Hand Job and a Reuben; or, Sex Advice from Ivyy Goldberg, Esq.

Written by  //  January 29, 2008  //  Advice, Hand Job and a Reuben, Sex and Love  //  15 Comments

Nice Girls have sex problems too…..

Nice Girls

Dear Ivyy:

I’m 29 years old and am in a bit of a dry spell. I haven’t had sex in almost a year. I’ve had the opportunity plenty of times- I mean, I am after all a female, and I hang out in bars at last call, so I could easily have below average drunken sex any night of the week. But I’m looking for more- I’m at the age now where I’m ready for great sex within a great relationship. So while my mind is willing to be patient and find the right boyfriend, my body is going crazy not getting its needs met!! How do I strike a balance between patiently looking for a good guy who’s ready for a relationship while still appeasing the horny sorostitute that lies within me?

Horny but Sensible

Ah, sigh. The mating call of the sexually frustrated late-20s single female is subtle, but lovely. “I’m just looking for a nice guy who’s honest about his desire to bend me over a sofa arm!” it wharbles through the forest, oh so quietly yet insistently, begging to be heard and answered. But beware, for the sexually frustrated late-20s single female scares easily- if not approached with just the right degree of confidence and gentleness she will get spooked and may attack. This species is especially susceptible to dishonesty and miscommunication, so be sure to leave these tools at home when you go out hunting. Many sexually frustrated late-20s single females have, through years of evolution and as a necessary protection from the wild, become masters of the mind game. Happy hunting.

In all seriousness, though, Horny, here’s my advice: I assume you take care of your own needs when necessary. Beyond that, if you must have sex, might I suggest only having sex with men you meet who happen to be in town for the weekend, preferably even men who are leaving town on the early flight tomorrow? That way you get some mindless sex without having to worry about the “future of the relationship”, the complication that may arise from one or the other of you (probably you) thinking its more than just mindless sex. Sorostitute happy, sensible young woman not getting her head fucked with. Everyone wins!

Dear Ivyy:

I know this is really really politically incorrect, but I have to admit it to someone: I love my boyfriend a lot, but his cock is simply too small for me! We’ve been together for about 6 months and everything is great- we get along well, have lots of fun when we go out, he treats me well (left roses on my doorstep for our 3-month anniversary), etc. But the sex is totally lame because of his tiny cock. I (of course) haven’t said anything to him about it, and I don’t think he has any idea that I’m not satisfied. We’re fairly adventurous and have tried many positions, but there just doesn’t seem to be any position that gets him deep enough for me to get off!! What should I do?

Unsatisfied

Dear Unsatisfied:

Dump him.

In this complex culture of ours we have to be very conscious of what makes a boyfriend and what makes a friend. Men and women these days are having relationships of all kinds, thanks to us being allowed into the workforce and such. So we have to be very clear on what we feel is friendship with a man, and when we want more.

It’s not his tiny cock that’s the problem, Unsatisfied, it’s you- or more fairly stated, how you feel about him. If you were sexually attracted to him the sex would be good no matter what size his cock was, because you would be enjoying having sex with him. As things are now, it sounds like you guys are just really good buddies who have a good time together, but when it comes to the more intimate relationship-making aspects (i.e. the sex), you’re just not into it.

So dump him.

Send queries to godonnybrook@gmail.com Subject: Dear Ivyy.

About the Author

Ivyy Goldberg, Esq.

Ivyy Goldberg, Esq. is Research Director and Writer of both Denver’s Most Fuckable Rockstars and Handjob and a Reuben. Part time sex columnist, part-time Supreme Court Justice-inspired superhero.

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15 Comments on "Hand Job and a Reuben; or, Sex Advice from Ivyy Goldberg, Esq."

  1. IkeTurnerEatsStars January 29, 2008 at 1:13 pm · Reply

    This one goes out to Unsatisfied…

    I’ve been black for almost 30 years now and in that time I’ve noticed that there is a stereotype going around how gentlemen like myself are supposed to have the big weenis to sling to the ladies. While I’ve had no complaints with the girth and the overall frighteningly dominating impact my dong has had on the tramps I’ve banged, I have heard many a woman say that it’s not the size that matters. Most of those women are fat and are just trying to boost the ego’s of the guys with only 3 inches to their name. The fact that you love your boyfriend really doesn’t mean shit to me. All I’m trying to say is you need to get a plane ticket, fly down to North Carolina, and I’ll fuck you until your eyes cross. I’m a compassionate and very sentimental young man, but I can also bruise those thighs when the time comes. Simply put, start cheating on your boyfriend until you find a penis that will make you smile.

  2. Cap'n Colleen January 29, 2008 at 1:18 pm · Reply

    I’m totally with you on Unsatisfied’s plight. If nothing is working then it’s just not going to work.

    It’s possible that they just aren’t sexually compatible, which isn’t always the same as not being sexually attracted. But sexual compatibility is huge. Huge. Unlike the poor fellow’s cock.

    As always, excellent advice, Ivyy.

  3. Col. Hector Bravado January 29, 2008 at 2:06 pm · Reply

    Ivyy, I don’t get your response. If we’re to take the missive at face value, the girl wants to be fucked by a guy with a bigger cock. Now I feel for this guy, and hope she is kind and graceful on the way out; I can’t imagine how devastated I’d be if I found out my girl left me because my junk wasn’t up to grade.
    But seriously, why are we in a rush to attribute the failings of her relationship to everything but what she plainly said the problem was? Sexual satisfaction, like physical attraction, is a piece of the puzzle like anything else. I’ve always been an enthusiastic giver and receiver of oral with my girls, and it was absolutely appalling when I wound up once with a girl who just wasn’t that into sucking cock, and I can tell you it definitely made it easier to break up with her…because it was a bigger factor…because I wasn’t really in love and wanted out anyway…
    Wait a minute. I think I just proved Ivyy’s point. Interesting. Anyway, fun letter.
    CHB

  4. Bang Tango'ed January 29, 2008 at 2:26 pm · Reply

    This post puts me in quite the woebegone mood. It simply perpetuates the female ideal that men should just be happy to be having sex with any woman.

    I’m abhorred by women who complain about not being able to have sex. It would be similar to me constantly complaining about my inability to walk to the corner store and buy 24ozs. of pbr. Of course I can do that. I can do it everyday of the week except Sunday. In the same fashion a woman always has the ability any day of the week, including Sunday, to walk out into public and find someone who wants to have sex with them. Wait, did I just perpetuate the stereotype I’m carping about?

    Imagine a world where women jockeyed for position in the horse race that is my bed chambers. I can imagine this world. It’s somewhere near the Jersey shore.

    My woebegone mood has passed. After all, it’s just the internet.

  5. Bang Tango'ed January 29, 2008 at 2:30 pm · Reply

    On an unrelated note. I’m giving away a 2y/o, neutered, declawed, male cat. My ex-wife thought it would be an appropriate gift to leave on my doorstep as she moved to Florida with her new boyfriend. He’s bald though, so I’m not sweating it either. If you’re interested send up a smoke signal in the shape of a tricycle over capitol hill and we can go from there. Also, his name is Meowvin Cuddlesworth. Sorry for the shameless plug.

  6. JB January 29, 2008 at 4:04 pm · Reply

    This is the type of advice I expect to read when I pull up your column, my dear scribe. Authoritative. Definitive. Elitist. Your readers want you to put them in their place and you have done just that. Whereas I might not completely agree with your take, I can appreciate where you’re coming from.

    Horny needs to hang out in more hotel bars, clearly. Preferably those close to the airport, and I don’t say that just because I live way out there. There is no better place to meet horny, lonely travelers, vacationers, and smokin’ hot Swedish flight attendants. If you’re in to that sort of thing.

    Unsatisfied clearly values her sexual satisfaction, as she should, but I’m curious to know how willing she’d be to dump her boyfriend if he was a douchebag with a huge wang. Maybe “love” was the wrong word to use when describing how she feels about him.

  7. Bang Tango'ed January 29, 2008 at 4:19 pm · Reply

    @JB

    I live by the airport as well. I will have to practice my swedish accent.

  8. Bang Tango'ed January 29, 2008 at 4:20 pm · Reply

    and by the airport I mean capitol hill, but there’s always those hotels on quebec.

  9. Team Donnybrook
    godonnybrook January 29, 2008 at 7:36 pm · Reply

    WHO IS BANG TANGO-ED? You rock. I bet I know you. Do I know you?

    On another note, fucking fabulous column!

  10. Ivyy January 29, 2008 at 9:04 pm · Reply

    At first reading it sounds like Bang Tango’ed is trying to give away a bald cat. Ha! Giggle giggle.

    And I’m not sure I want to know who he is. The mystery is absolutely delicious!

  11. Ivyy January 29, 2008 at 9:05 pm · Reply

    Oh, and my award for best mental picture of the night goes to JB- “douchebag with a huge wang”. Brilliant.

    That’s all, peasants. Carry on.

  12. Bang Tango'ed January 30, 2008 at 9:19 am · Reply

    I’m the ghost of Colfax past. I’m sure a few of us have met in passing. Like asteroids colliding and destroying unknown civilizations in the night sky. You can almost hear their screams. I’m usually at whatever live event is featured in the problem of leisure, and can normally be found conversing with my polar opposites and selling bags of sugar at the squire during Sunday’s urban night. I was at the pink elephant on Saturday and the horseshoe for Pink’s festivities a few months back; however, you have your friends, and I have mine, and until the day when we arrange something more, we will always have the internet.

    Talking about the internet romantically is akin to whispering I love you in a girl’s ear during anal intercourse.

    So is anyone interested in Meowvin?

  13. Col. Hector Bravado January 30, 2008 at 10:58 am · Reply

    Not unless Meowvin has a huge cock.

  14. Bang Tango'ed January 30, 2008 at 11:07 am · Reply

    He has a kitten cock… It’s huge.

  15. Sid Pink February 3, 2008 at 12:45 pm · Reply

    The size of one’s cock doesn’t matter if you really, really want to adopt a hairless cat.
    But you *do* have to have a thing for bald pussy.

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