Hand Job and a Reuben; or, Sex Advice with Ivyy Goldberg, Esq.

Written by  //  January 3, 2008  //  Advice, Hand Job and a Reuben, Sex and Love  //  2 Comments

Let’s hear from some happy couples!
Happy Couple

Dear Ivyy:

I’m a 27 year old girl, and I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 3 years. Everything is going fine, we get along well, sex is frequent and decent, we openly communicate. I have every intention of spending my life with him. The problem is, I tend to develop relationships with other men that I don’t really tell my boyfriend about. Nothing physical ever happens, and the ‘friendships’ usually fade out in a few months, but during that time I tell my boyfriend white lies- I’ll say I’m going shopping when I’m really meeting up with my guy friend, for instance. In the 3 years I’ve been dating my boyfriend I’ve had 4 of these “false affairs”, and I’ve felt guilty about every single one, even though I never even kissed any of them. Why the guilt? And why do I feel the need to lie to my boyfriend about innocent friendships? Please help, Ivyy, I know you of all people can make me feel better!

Confused in Calgary

Dear Ivyy:

I really love my girlfriend. We’ve been together for a couple of years and things are great. Only thing is, I get bored easily, sexually speaking. I find I’m more able to maintain an interest in my girlfriend and be invested in our relationship if I sneak out every once in a while and have anonymous bar sex. I always use a condom, and I never see the girls I have sex with after the one night. It’s JUST sex. Still, I’m torn: I know it helps my relationship to do this, but I’m not dumb, I also know I’m cheating on my girlfriend and she would be devastated if she found out. Advice? Thanks Ivyy, you’re the greatest!

Feeling Guilty

I publish these two letters together, dear readers, because they, together, bring up an interesting little paradox that faces relationships: Emotional Cheating vs. Physical Cheating. Confused in Calgary never physically touches the men she’s cheating with…. so is it cheating? And Feeling Guilty only fucks to save his relationship. Is that cheating? The answer is, of course, they’re both cheating. And cheating sucks.

Some say emotional cheating is harder to get over, because its such a grey area: people who are emotionally cheating can deny deny deny, and the victim is never given the closure and justification of reality they deserve. Nothing’s more infuriating than hearing the words “she’s just a friend” when you KNOW in your heart there’s more to it than that. But physical cheating puts the victim’s life at risk- no matter how careful Feeling Guilty is about using a condom, there’s always a chance of acquiring an STD, which he could then pass on to his girlfriend. Then how would you feel, Senor I’m-So-Bored?

Being in a relationship is great fun, very rewarding, something many people strive for. But it’s also work- being in a committed relationship takes a certain amount of discipline that neither of these people seem to have. Confused in Calgary wants to spend her life with her boyfriend, yet she knows she’s doing something that would hurt him if he knew about it….. so don’t. fucking. do it!!! Problem solved, confusion abated. And Feeling Guilty just fucks because he’s bored, even though he knows his girlfriend would be devastated? Stop fucking strangers. No more guilty feelings. There are a whole lot of ways to fix boredom, the easiest being to incorporate your girlfriend into some crazy new sex. Seriously, people….. sometimes the best solution is the simplest.

About the Author

Ivyy Goldberg, Esq.

Ivyy Goldberg, Esq. is Research Director and Writer of both Denver’s Most Fuckable Rockstars and Handjob and a Reuben. Part time sex columnist, part-time Supreme Court Justice-inspired superhero.

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2 Comments on "Hand Job and a Reuben; or, Sex Advice with Ivyy Goldberg, Esq."

  1. Bang Tango'ed January 3, 2008 at 1:21 pm · Reply

    No more stranger fucking? But it’s the only thing I’m really really good at. Perhaps I’ll take up the tuba. I could be good at that.

  2. Cap'n Colleen
    Capn Colleen January 4, 2008 at 11:06 am · Reply

    Good call, Ivvy.

    In my experience, if you think you’re doing something wrong, you probably are.

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