Hand Job and a Reuben; Sex Advice from Ivyy Goldberg, Esq.

Hello All, Ivyy Goldberg Esq. here, sex and legal expert (selexpert), throwing off my veil of mystery (Who IS this Jewster McHip? Is she Irish? Is she Jewish? Why does she bring up Laura Bush so much?), and coming out of the closet, if you will, to reveal my true identity here at the Donnybrook Writing Academy (a place for cultural advancement). Donnybrook is truly a place where you can be yourself, as long as your self is better than most everybody else’s in today’s pathetic excuse for a civilized society.

And don’t you worry, my teeming masses of adoring fans who are waiting patiently for the next “Hand Job and a Reuben” column- the soul of Jewster McHip is alive and well, still answering your queries and occasionally putting the words “Laura Bush” and “anal sex” into the same sentence. “Hand Job…” lives on here at The Donnybrook Writing Academy (a place for cultural advancement).

So, now that THAT’S out of the way, let’s get onto the questions, shall we?

Dear Ivyy,

I’m a girl who tends to get along with men as friends better than women. I have a friend at work who happens to be a male – we’ll call him Jules – and we always shoot the shit about people we’re dating, crappy work stuff, etc. The other day my boss pulled me into his office, and asked if Jules and I were dating. To anyone actually paying attention, it would be an obvious no. Which I told my boss. He then went on to say this to me: “You’re a very attractive girl. You can’t go around being so nice to people; they’ll get the wrong idea. They’ll think you’re dating. I hope you’ll keep to yourself from now on.” He was, in some words, calling me a tease. I think my boss’s behavior is overt sexual harassment; my behavior in the workplace would be at best described as “cordial,” never once even bordered on flirtation with anyone. I know everyone has societal expectations to uphold, but where do we draw the line between behaving professionally in the workplace, and losing one’s personality? I simply can’t stomach another talk with my female co-workers about manicures.

Sincerely, Workplace Tease

My Dear Workplace Tease,

First, a quick piece of legal advice- if you want to retire early I suggest suing the pants off your boss for that comment. Overt Sexual Harassment doesn’t even begin to describe it. But, thank you for writing this very timely question. I’ve been thinking a lot about the concept of the “tease.” What an antiquated piece-of-shit concept, and yet, I feel it’s making a sickening comeback. I have been privy to a few stories and experiences lately that have led me to believe that there are actually men out there who believe that a girl is a tease if she doesn’t “follow through” on a flirtation.

So, let’s set the record straight, for all the tens of men who are reading this column. Just because a woman is talking to you does NOT mean she will have sex with you. Even if she’s talking to you and smiling a lot and laughing at your jokes and accidentally brushing your leg with hers and flipping her hair a lot and doing that one-eyebrow-raise thing, that does NOT mean she will definitely have sex with you. Even if she gets kisses you passionately and talks dirty in your ear and grabs your cock under the table at dinner and tells you explicitly what she wants to do to you as soon as you get home, that does NOT NECESSARILY MEAN YOU’RE GETTING LAID. You could, and very possibly will, do or say something stupid within the time it takes to get her home that will completely ruin the mood for her. And that sucks, yeah. But that’s the game.

So be cool, try not to do or say anything too stupid, and live by the old adage “hope for the best (the best being sex), but expect the worst (or, no sex).” Consider sex a happy surprise and unexpected gift when it does come. Men who call women teases are usually bitter because they KNOW they blew it, so they need some sort of excuse for why they didn’t get laid. Don’t be that guy.

Now, back to your workplace dilemma, Tease. As far as the lame conversations about manicures, let me just say, I hear ya, sister. Not to put down our gender or anything, but why are some women so fucking vapid? Can’t we, as the wiser sex, come up with a more interesting form of small talk that would still be socially acceptable within the admittedly narrow confines of a workplace environment? Men have sports- does that mean we’re stuck with Grey’s Anatomy? There’s gotta be a better option. Any ideas, ladies?