Stray Hairs and V.D.

Written by  //  February 3, 2011  //  Hand Job and a Reuben  //  2 Comments

Dear Ivyy:

Where does the personal grooming line stop? Am I reasonably expected to wax everywhere, remove all stray body hairs, smell awesome, have clear pores and soft skin, be thin and tight, wear matching underwear, etc, ALL THE TIME? I’m single and date a reasonable amount, but I have recently overheard my guy friends talking about girls they’ve hooked up with and they were, like, BRUTAL about the tiniest little details! Do the guys I’ve hooked up with talk about me like that? Is that why I sometimes don’t get a second or third date?

Signed,
Normally Hairy Human

Dear Hairy:

Ahh the personal grooming conundrum. My personal line has always been drawn at the comfort level I and my partner feel. An ex-boyfriend once casually mentioned that he really hated armpit hair, but didn’t really care about whether or not my legs were shaved. “Cool beans,” says I. “Next time it comes down to legs vs. armpits (as it is sometimes wont to come down to), I will go armpits.” Another paramour of mine had a particular fondness for my belly-button area, so I made a concerted effort to keep that area sparkly and shiny. My current love knows how much I need him to be vajazzled (pejazzled?) for our weekly orgy, and he takes pains to make sure my needs are met.

 

But it’s a little easier once you’re at the point with someone where you can actually have these discussions. In the world of single folks, though, I’m sorry to say it’s a jungle out there, my dear. You’ve got to take care of yourself to an appropriate degree. And by appropriate degree, I of course mean the exact amount of grooming that makes you feel completely fuckable TO YOURSELF. Once you feel fuckable, you will give off an “I Am Fuckable” vibe that is absolutely irresistible to anyone.

So shave the legs, get the occasional bikini wax, pluck any unsightly hairs, but also don’t get all crazy about it. Or don’t do any of that. Whatevs. We’re human. Our sexual partners get that.

Oh, and by the by, it sounds like you need to get some new guy friends, because these guys seem a little douchey. The guys I know who get hung up on girl body hair usually spend so much time objectifying a woman that they don’t recognize they have an awesome catch on their hands. Then, when this “hairy” but probably pretty awesome girl dumps them, they’re heartbroken and stay home crying in a pool of their own filth, vowing to never get hurt like that again.

Dear Ivyy:

OOOOOHHHH FUCKING HELL IVYY, VALENTINE’S DAY IS COMING UP I FUCKING HATE THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY GODDAMMIT WHY DOES IT EVEN EXIST?!Q?!@!1!! SHIT!

Angry at VD

Dear Angry:

Oh my. Well, I don’t know exactly what circumstances have brought you to this level of ire- I mean, are you a single cat lady who’s angry to not have a man to buy her a corny card and cheap box of chocolates (plus some toys for the cats)? Are you a beat-down boyfriend or husband who has never dropped the ball in all your years of giving your beloved a special Valentine’s Day gift, but who just wants a goddamn break this year? Are you an anti-capitalism anti-big-business anarchist who believes that the evil geniuses behind that gift-card conglomerate Hallmark are the only ones who TRULY benefit from this holiday?

Whatever the case, Angry, let’s try to keep a positive attitude, mkay, Precious? Do something on Valentine’s Day that makes YOU happy (that does not involve homemade bombs, if you really fall into the latter anarchist category I mentioned above, you mischievous little scamp!). Go for a hike with a friend, or watch a movie with your cats, and for the LOVE OF GOD stay away from any and all restaurants because they really will be fucking insufferable.

Questions for Ivyy? Email to godonnybrook@gmail.com.

About the Author

Ivyy Goldberg, Esq.

Ivyy Goldberg, Esq. is Research Director and Writer of both Denver’s Most Fuckable Rockstars and Handjob and a Reuben. Part time sex columnist, part-time Supreme Court Justice-inspired superhero.

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2 Comments on "Stray Hairs and V.D."

  1. Professor Honeydew February 3, 2011 at 12:53 pm · Reply

    Dearest Ivyy,

    When I saw the headline about “V.D.,” I thought you would be writing about something else entirely.

    But can we all just agree that no one should buy roses on Valentine’s Day anymore? It’s the biggest scam within a big scam and making that exorbitantly priced floral purchase just contributes to the problem.

    This V.D., be a part of the solution: recycle some flowers from your local cemetery.

    Sincerely,

    Lord Honeydew

    PS – Are you sure there isn’t an “a” in cemetery? No? Really? Huh.

  2. Ivyy February 3, 2011 at 2:01 pm · Reply

    Well that’s just weird. I could’ve SWORN there was an “a” there somewhere!! The things we learn from this advice column, huh?

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