Haywire

Max Phineas’ Voice Has Returned – Are We Prepared?

Max: I’m gonna do it!

Francois: Young master, please don’t.  Your parents will be furious if they find a stain on their carpet. Oh please come down, you’ll scratch the wooden railing. If you want to fall please fall outside, the animals can do my clean up job for me.

Max: Don’t try to stop me, Francois!

Francois: Young master, I’m not. If only you’ll… *Geronimo walks through the front door*

Geronimo: Hey guys I’m back from the hospital! I waited for you guys but you never ca— I knew it! I knew you couldn’t live without me!

Francois: No you nincompoop. He’s just distraught over the fact that he cannot become a private contractor like the main heroine of the movie we saw, “Haywire.”

Geronimo: Oooh, tell me more.

Max: (hops off rail) Oh, if you insist. Haywire is the newest film from director Steven Soderbergh (Contagion, Erin Brockovich, Ocean’s 11, 12, and 13) and features an ensemble cast consisting of Channing Tatum (Fighting, The Eagle), Ewan McGregor (Men Who Stare at Goats, Trainspotting, Star Wars I-III, Big Fish), Michael Douglas (Wall Street, Fatal Attraction, Basic Instinct), Antonio Banderas (Desperado, Once Upon a Time in Mexico, Puss in Boots from the Shrek series), Michael Angarano (Red State, Sky High, Gentlemen Broncos), Bill Paxton (Big Love, True Lies, Titanic) and Michael Fassbender (Xmen-First class, Shame, A Dangerous Method, Inglourious Basterds).

Our story follows private contractor Mallory Kane, played by former MMA fighter Gina Carano, who is hired to complete a job in Ireland with an MI6 agent (Fassbender) that ends in failure with Mallory being framed for murder and labeled as a terrorist.  Now she’s on the run as she tries to clear her name while being targeted by her former boss/boyfriend Kenneth (McGregor), another contractor, and the police.

Geronimo: Sounds exciting!

Max: It is but that’s not even the coolest part! This movie is chock full of butt-kicking action that left me on the edge of my seat. You know in the first 10 minutes of the movie that this movie does not take its action lightly. Following in the light of the recent Mission Impossible movie, the action is realistic, in fact so realistic that I wouldn’t be surprised if bones were really broken. Most of the butt-kicking is done by Gina Carano and with her being a former MMA fighter; she knows how to take down a man, or more like 5, while also looking gorgeous as she does it, I will add. Too bad her acting does not follow suit. Sometimes I felt that while she was the best choice physically, her acting chops still need more working. She felt cold, a little lifeless, which I understand is supposed to be her character, but it became difficult to relate to her sometimes.

Everyone else is great though, even Channing Tatum manages to create a decent performance. As well as the soundtrack, which gives the movie an old seventies, jazzy, spy sound. On occasion I felt lost trying to follow everything that was going on in the movie and it felt scattershot, but in the end it culminates in a very satisfying conclusion that will leave you with a “Don’t mess with that bitch!” mentality. With an interesting plot full of twists and turns, some good acting, and great ball-busting action, Haywire is a great way to kill an hour and a half at the movies.

Geronimo: Do you feel better, young master?

Max: Quite. I totally forgot what I was even angry about

Geronimo: Something about not being able to become a contractor.

Max: *Begins sobbing* Oh yeah. Oh woe is me! *jumps out of nearby window* Owww!

Francois: Well at least he didn’t land on the carpet.