Hear, Hear! All Female Badmintoners SHOULD Be Forced to Don Skirts!
J. Erstmill Chabbleshanks Esq. is a former sports editor at Bibbs and Tanner’s Herculaneum Periodical of Adroit Feats and can be found ranting about more than just sports at Zach Gets Down.
It has come to my ignoble attention from numerous plebeians and one person upon whom I do trust to get my news (HINT: He’s a Congressman’s Congressman!) that the Badminton World Federation has made steps to enhance its sport’s standing among other lithe antagonisms by requiring those in its female ranks to don skirts while playing on the court.
While this has rankled many in athletic and women’s rights “organizations,” (GUFFAW [and HEEHAW!]!) yours most humbly and truly could not find a more fitting move on behalf of this ne’er-do-well federation of the most base individuals I have had the misfortune to encounter. You heard me correctly: NE’ER-DO-WELL.
First off, this wretched sport should stop at nothing to raise its profile. Adopted as some sort of mixed-breed combination of American volleyball, Britain’s tennis and our higher-minded society’s Laudleproseddell (Although they deny it, where ELSE does one see ropes [potentially for bondage] and elongated swatting devices! The burden of proof is theirs!), badminton is a sport desperate to be salvaged. If the women have to put themselves out there by increasing the chance of the appearance of labia, SO BE IT. Perhaps they could even catch the eye of wealthy industrialists such as ourselves going for our annual Slummamuck, although, if we were looking for sporting affairs, the aforementioned Laudleproseddell should suffice.
Secondly, I am uncertain that there are no other rules to increase the profile of the sport. I understand the primary device employed is known as the Shuttlecock, donned with fake feathers and made of rubber. While these base propulsion devices that made the mouth-breathers go “ooo” and “guuhhh” as they ascend toward space are popular amongst them, let us remove the prefix “shuttle” and just go with “cock” henceforth. Also, replace the plastic with the feathers of the sluttiest French maid one can find (but I repeat myself [CHORTLE!]!).
Lastly, NEVER bend to the demands of any organization other than the well-established brain trusts already utilized by you and yours. Instead, if these women’s rights “organizations” demand more changes, just cancel the Federation and sell these women on the Black Market for kidneys and eye-lashes. Perhaps this will quell their desire to not wear skirts, eh chums?
In conclusion, the fact that women playing under our employ have concerns over their apparel is not a new issue. But I’ll be damned if I’m to watch them work in pants. I’m wearing pants!