Hipster Hangover Cures
Elitists might knock a couple ice cubes around in a glass of good whiskey, but they drink in moderation. Snobs get drunk, but never to the point of embarrassment. They would never bathe in that golden fountain of PBR like you do, dear Hipster. No. You drag your decrepit hung over ass into Starbucks every damn day. You need help. (not with the drinking, of course)
Hangover cures are such bullshit. Everyone has one. Why do we know better than you? 1.) We are elitists, so everything we say is better. 2.) We are hipsters, with much more drinking experience. Trust us.
Hipster Hangover Cure #1!
Sex cures everything in the world, and it’s normally either free or cheap. If you’re too restless to sleep, it helps you sleep. If you need to wake up, it’s a pick-me-up. It cures headaches. Maybe it’s because your body thinks it’s dying and needs to quickly reproduce; but hungover sex is fantastic! So if you don’t have anyone else to help you out, well – you know what to do, brothers and sisters.
2.) Brunch with Bottomless Mimosas.
I was thinking, damn, everyone got all sickly and uglier as of late. Then I realized it was because I wasn’t seeing them as much at the dark bars, and more in the sunlight, hung over, at brunch the next day. Denver has lots of good music, so you inevitably go to different shows Friday and Saturday night than a lot of your friends. But you see everyone at brunch on Sunday.
Does this mean you actually have to look at your friends? Unfortunately, yes, but you can drink shitloads of mimosas and they’ll look better. Herein lies the hangover cure, until you get another hangover. OK, so the hair-of-the-dog theory is bullshit, but it’s fun to believe. Fuck off.
Here are some good brunch places.
Dazzle is super jazzy and classy, and the most expensive – $15 for all you can eat buffet, and about $6 for bottomless drinks. But there’s jazz playing in the background, and the food is fucking fantastic, and the place is always hopping. It has everything you could ever possibly want, breakfast or lunch food. Everything.
Dish has smaller plates that are kind of gourmet, but I thought they were just small. However, people seem to like it there. The bottomless mimosas are $5, and everyone who works there is awesome. It’s a really cute place too, with a patio.
Kiva is my new favorite place. You walk in and there’s super hyper dance music playing, and all the waiters are super hot and super gay. They serve things like jalapeno sausage and biscuit sticks, and by the time they actually serve you the food, you’ve had so many Kiva ritas you just point your biscuit stick at people and say, “Want some of my biscuit stick?” It’s uber modern Mexican brunch food. Brilliant!
I also want to check out tha drag queen one. Whatsitcalled?
I bet you didn’t know about this one. It comes from a friend who’s mom is a pharmacist. Benadryl is for that evil, post-21st-birthday kind of hangover. The kind of hangover that actually, literally, makes you believe you’re dying. It makes those “I want to eat all day and watch movies!” hangovers hilariously easy. Toilet hugging. Dying. Terrible. If you could take a pill to make the day disappear, you would.
And you can. Benadryl cures nausea within about 20 minutes, and then it makes you fall into a solaceful slumber. Ahhhh. And then you wake up, feeling groggy but alright. It’s a miracle. If it weren’t for Benadryl, I would probably not drink as much.
4.) Pretending you’re still drunk.
This one is more zen.
Last night, you probably had a lot of the same symptoms. You were probably a little nauseaus, you had wacky coordination, and your body felt poisoned. But you were drunk, so you didn’t notice! Just pretend you’re still drunk. If you’re at the office, own it. Laugh when you fall down on the floor in front of your desk. You’re drunk! It’s fun!
Or, you could even go so far as to still actually be drunk. This is not for beginning levels, though.
5.) The next day.
This is the only real hang over cure. What an asshole I am.
Angora Holly Polo