Hipster Hangover Cures

Written by  //  May 1, 2007  //  Health and Gorgeous Beauty  //  6 Comments

Elitists might knock a couple ice cubes around in a glass of good whiskey, but they drink in moderation. Snobs get drunk, but never to the point of embarrassment. They would never bathe in that golden fountain of PBR like you do, dear Hipster. No. You drag your decrepit hung over ass into Starbucks every damn day. You need help. (not with the drinking, of course)

Hangover cures are such bullshit. Everyone has one. Why do we know better than you? 1.) We are elitists, so everything we say is better. 2.) We are hipsters, with much more drinking experience. Trust us.

Hipster Hangover Cure #1!

1.) Sex.


Sex cures everything in the world, and it’s normally either free or cheap. If you’re too restless to sleep, it helps you sleep. If you need to wake up, it’s a pick-me-up. It cures headaches. Maybe it’s because your body thinks it’s dying and needs to quickly reproduce; but hungover sex is fantastic! So if you don’t have anyone else to help you out, well – you know what to do, brothers and sisters.

2.) Brunch with Bottomless Mimosas.

I was thinking, damn, everyone got all sickly and uglier as of late. Then I realized it was because I wasn’t seeing them as much at the dark bars, and more in the sunlight, hung over, at brunch the next day. Denver has lots of good music, so you inevitably go to different shows Friday and Saturday night than a lot of your friends. But you see everyone at brunch on Sunday.

Does this mean you actually have to look at your friends? Unfortunately, yes, but you can drink shitloads of mimosas and they’ll look better. Herein lies the hangover cure, until you get another hangover. OK, so the hair-of-the-dog theory is bullshit, but it’s fun to believe. Fuck off.

Here are some good brunch places.

Dazzle

Dazzle is super jazzy and classy, and the most expensive – $15 for all you can eat buffet, and about $6 for bottomless drinks. But there’s jazz playing in the background, and the food is fucking fantastic, and the place is always hopping. It has everything you could ever possibly want, breakfast or lunch food. Everything.

Dish

Dish has smaller plates that are kind of gourmet, but I thought they were just small. However, people seem to like it there. The bottomless mimosas are $5, and everyone who works there is awesome. It’s a really cute place too, with a patio.

Kiva

Kiva is my new favorite place. You walk in and there’s super hyper dance music playing, and all the waiters are super hot and super gay. They serve things like jalapeno sausage and biscuit sticks, and by the time they actually serve you the food, you’ve had so many Kiva ritas you just point your biscuit stick at people and say, “Want some of my biscuit stick?” It’s uber modern Mexican brunch food. Brilliant!

I also want to check out tha drag queen one. Whatsitcalled?

3.) Benadryl.

I bet you didn’t know about this one. It comes from a friend who’s mom is a pharmacist. Benadryl is for that evil, post-21st-birthday kind of hangover. The kind of hangover that actually, literally, makes you believe you’re dying. It makes those “I want to eat all day and watch movies!” hangovers hilariously easy. Toilet hugging. Dying. Terrible. If you could take a pill to make the day disappear, you would.

And you can. Benadryl cures nausea within about 20 minutes, and then it makes you fall into a solaceful slumber. Ahhhh. And then you wake up, feeling groggy but alright. It’s a miracle. If it weren’t for Benadryl, I would probably not drink as much.

4.) Pretending you’re still drunk.

This one is more zen.

Last night, you probably had a lot of the same symptoms. You were probably a little nauseaus, you had wacky coordination, and your body felt poisoned. But you were drunk, so you didn’t notice! Just pretend you’re still drunk. If you’re at the office, own it. Laugh when you fall down on the floor in front of your desk. You’re drunk! It’s fun!

Or, you could even go so far as to still actually be drunk. This is not for beginning levels, though.

5.) The next day.

This is the only real hang over cure. What an asshole I am.

Love,

Angora Holly Polo

About the Author

Angora Holly Polo

Angora Holly Polo is the Czar of Donnybrook Manor, moderator of leisure, purveyor of intrigue. You may email her offerings of gold at GoDonnybrook@Gmail.com.

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6 Comments on "Hipster Hangover Cures"

  1. Tabloid Brunette May 1, 2007 at 4:52 pm · Reply

    Bump and Grind!

  2. Ankertill Brewer May 3, 2007 at 12:23 am · Reply

    I also swear by Vitamin Water (pronounced “vitt-a-min”) for taking the edge off hangovers, but only the yellow one, and it might actually only work if you’re standing on a piss-smelling subway platform in Philadelphia at six-thirty in the morning after a night of heavy drinking at The Khyber.

    But what self-respecting hipster at some point hasn’t been or won’t be standing on a piss-smelling subway platform in Philadelphia at six-thirty in the morning after a night of heavy drinking at The Khyber?

  3. Tristram May 3, 2007 at 11:48 pm · Reply

    Ya know, people talk about Mimosas, but that’s pure insanity– fucking champagne in the morning, hell champagne any time– is just asking for a worse headache.

    Here’s what works: A damn gin martini. If you drink one and still feel your symptoms, drink two. It will be gone. Now, go take a nap. TA DA!!!

  4. Jewster May 4, 2007 at 8:34 am · Reply

    Ah, sex. The cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems. Including, apparently, hangovers. Thanks, Charlie, the Jewish Hipster will definitely be incorporating this cure into her sex column research!

  5. Jason May 24, 2007 at 10:19 am · Reply

    There’s this shit that comes in these little gold bottles, and if you drink 2 of them at the beginning of the night, you won’t be hungover the next day.
    I live in Japan, so you totally can’t get them.

  6. MrBlackCat May 21, 2011 at 8:43 am · Reply

    I find that hair of the dog works best if you only have a couple of drinks to cut the edge out of the hangover and settle your stomach enough to get some water or what ever fluid you happen to have on hand. This only works if you don’t have somewhere you need to be for a couple of hours as you will be drunk for that time until your system catches up. If you have some where to be then sprite or mellow yellow are good to help settle your stomach to get that much need water. Try not to drink strait water since it is nausea inducing best to have something with a bit of sugar in it or plain black tea works well also.

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