How To Get Out of Valentine’s Day

Dude, you know what is next week, right? And you’ve still got a girlfriend? Have you not learned anything from me? You need to dump her like she’s a Teen Mom. Valentine’s Day is a suicide mission at best. And the best way to handle it is to not handle it at all. It’s the noble thing to do, really. Valentine’s Day leads to nothing but fights and shattered expectations. Best to avoid that whole trap all together, bro.

What’s that? You don’t want to dump her, you just want to get out of Valentine’s night? Shit, man, do I gotta do all the work here? OK, keep the story simple.

Tell her you have to go out of town for work for a few days. What’s that? You sell travel pillows at the kiosk at the mall? You know what? For you, I will make an exception. Hold onto her. Because any girl that can date the guy that sells travel pillows at the kiosk at the mall clearly has lowered expectations. And let this be a rule in life; ALWAYS hold onto girls with low expectations. If not for them, you may not be getting laid at all. Treat her like a queen.

Tell her your grandmother suddenly passed away, and you have to go out of town for the funeral. Pray she won’t ask you if this is the same grandmother who died on Christmas, her birthday, your anniversary, pledge week, etc.

I guaran-damn-tee you right now she is busy putting a ton of thought into your Valentine evening. She’s picking out the restaurant, what perfume to wear, what shoes to wear, etc. Guys are more of a last minute breed. We will drop a whole ten bucks on a shitty box of candy, half dead flowers and a card and act like we slayed a dragon. Women are obsessive about cards. Hell, she’s probably even picked out TWO cards, that bitch. And they are serious cards, mister. Where the writing is in perfect cursive and the imagery is of a couple walking hand in hand on the beach. Good luck trying to trump that, Romeo.

Dinner is mandatory here. What’s that, you’re asking if maybe a picnic is appropriate? Yea, sure, that will be fine if she doesn’t mind freezing her ass off. Imma guess you don’t sell a lot of those travel pillows. You can always make her a romantic dinner at your place. Wow, I can’t believe I wrote that without laughing! Seriously, that’s another trap. We both know your cooking skills revolve around the microwave and the occasional foray with the George Foreman grill. Cooking for her would lead to disaster and most likely botulism, so you’re kinda stuck going out.

Your gal will probably demand somewhere drastically overpriced and you will have to wear a tie and coat. This does not sound fun; it sounds like church with less pedophiles (hopefully). Look, we all know Tuesday night is Hockey and Hotties Night at Hooters. But that is really not what she has in mind when she says she wants to go “somewhere nice.” Another protip: “somewhere nice” is a place where you can’t order your dinner by saying a number and “supersize.”

The exchange of presents is also dicey. Again, she probably put a lot of thought into yours. She might even have a special little outfit for you. And you hastily printed out a coupon for free backrubs. Cad. You can always give into your guilt, and buy her something way expensive. You can overpay for blood diamonds at the mall. (In which case, she is obligated to put out.) Other than that, I am pretty clueless. Maybe go ask Ivyy, she gets presents from strange men all the time.

The clock is ticking.