How to tell if Your Spouse is a Replicant
Blade Runner Turns 30…
While we here on the grounds of Donnybrook Manor are often loathe to do so, we are sometimes called upon to perform public service announcements to aid the general populace in leading their workaday, humdrum lives so they may better toil in obscurity. In honor of the 30th anniversary of the film Blade Runner, we have been asked to speak on the dreadful matter of Replicants.
Ordinarily we find these “announcements” to be utterly mundane, but in this case we were happy to take up the cause, due to the nature of the task in question. You see, it was not long ago that we ourselves were infiltrated by a pair of abhorrent Replicants that had returned to Earth. They took on the guise of professors of existential interior design. We were utterly fooled and dreadfully sorry when we had to “retire” them.
In addition, I personally had two wives that revealed themselves to be Replicants and I was forced to disassemble them and dispose of them forthwith. Those were tragic times and I could only find solace in the arms of my many foreign mistresses, the maidens at the local brothels, and the numbing agents to be found in a bottle of Pernod.
To ensure that no other person suffers as I have, they have requested that I – as resident expert – inform you – the uncouth masses – of how to identify if the person you have chosen to spend your life with is a Replicant:
- They believe that Modern Mechanics is pornography and should not be sold to minors.
- They refuse to punish the indentured servants and become inconsolably morose when you do.
- They insist on talking about “rights” for the under-classes and could possibly even champion causes to that effect no matter the humiliation it brings upon your illustrious household.
- They make even your WASP friends seem warm, friendly, outgoing, and amorous.
- Whenever you discuss who your sexual “free pass” is, they continually choose Cylons.
- You find yourself in need of a new spouse every four years.
- They become increasingly agitated at any mention of actor Jon Voight or biotechnologist Nick Kampff.
- Upon being shot at point blank range with a Harper’s Ferry .58 Caliber Flintlock dueling pistol they become annoyed rather than – as would be expected – dead.
- During art heists, they are able to scale blank walls without aid.
- When you attempt to playfully slap them or push them down the stairs to show your affection, they thrash you soundly.
- They mock your gymnastics gold medal winning child mercilessly and delight in displaying their superior agility.
- They can play chess in their head. I jape; naturally we can all do that.
- On more than one occasion you have found them pleasuring themselves to pictures of C-3P0.
We hope this has aided you in determining if your spouse, family member, or significant other is, indeed, a Replicant. As always, we advise prudence in dealing with these matters. Before taking a chainsaw to your spouse, you will want to determine beyond a shadow of a doubt that they are a Replicant. This can be accomplished by a simple Voight-Kampff test.
Conversely, as the foremost authority on Replicants kept on staff, I would be happy to come to your home and – for a nominal fee – declare under oath that they were certainly a Replicant and you were well within your rights as a Bona Fide Human to push them into the industrial wood chipper.