I Have An Election

Written by  //  November 6, 2012  //  Fucked-Update, Politics, The Dormitory  //  1 Comment

Tuesday doesn’t get any more exciting than this

Ah, it’s finally here: Election Day. The pregnant day of choice. The pinnacle of Potus polling! If you aren’t some apathetic waste of rights—or you’re an overachieving early voter—you’re headed to the polls today to pick yourself out a president. Congratulations! In a mere matter of hours you could be the fresh owner of a brand new government. Or…perhaps a very nice pre-owned government (just as good as the new thing, I swear).

Much has been said over the last nearly-two-years about this day; quite literally billions of dollars have been spent to sway your opinion one way or the other, but probably just did a better job of pissing you off. Last night’s Monday Night Football halftime show was an interview with each of the presidential candidates—you know, to prove that they’re down with the common man and stuff. (I didn’t get a chance to watch it, but would have loved to watch Mitt Romney talk about his love for “The Football”.)

Already record lines are wrapping around polling places in Florida, and God may or may not have tried to wipe out a solidly Democratic state. Or global warming; there’s really no help in using Sandy as a way to sway your choice. Neither is the news media for that matter. For months now we’ve heard the various ups and downs, watched a plethora of squiggly lines squiggle up and back and forth on Smart Board™ screens. It’s been like watching a broadcast of the worst video game ever, where Anderson Cooper circles things with his finger and makes the same point over and over again. Personally, I wish we could  vote out the media rather than vote in anyone for President this year. Or have a wholesale purge of Congress. But these things aren’t up to me.

But let’s say you’re the one undecided man or woman still left in this country and you need a little election day guidance. You may be feeling overwhelmed with all the ads, vitriol, and lying that’s going on. Never fear: here at Donnybrook we’re able to cut through the rich establishment drek (since, you know, we are the rich establishment) and make it all clear. However you decide to vote in this election really only hinges on one issue—and it’s not abortion or gay marriage (let’s be honest, those single issue voters were never up for grabs anyway.) No, for direction in foreign policy, domestic strategy, and overall Presidential objectives it all comes down to one thing: the economy. Why? Because it’s actually the only issue Mitt Romney is running on.

Throughout his dance of repeatedly-shifting stances it’s the only one thing that has stayed the same. I mean, there’s also his nationalistic brand of foreign policy, but whether it’s increased military spending, or “labeling China a currency manipulator”, that all seems to lead back to economics too. Let me give two examples of how Romney is only running on money—not actually running against gay marriage, or abortion, or anything leading the country. First, an article I read on Romney’s ideas for Gay Marriage rights; namely, that he doesn’t have any.  Romeny considers basic rights like vising your same-sex partner in a hotel “perks” rather than, you know, crucial parts of “life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness”. As “perks”, these would be chosen at will by every state—which is a great non-confrontational stance to take if you don’t care about homosexuals being discriminated against in a majority of our country. Really not as hard-line as his platform would suggest. But as President, are you really supposed to ignore one of the most discriminated against groups in our society?

Here’s another major money issue: Romney’s tax plan. Somewhere in the last 6 months Romney stopped actually running on taxes as a social issue—i.e. you deserve a smaller government and to have more money in your pocket. Now it’s just an argument about the Benjamins, and a tenuous promise that nothing will change in what you pay. Why? Because he doesn’t actually care about whether people can afford their taxes or not—it’s just economics. This occurred to me during the third debate when I finally understood the “buckets” explanation of his tax plan. You start putting things in your “bucket”—first the mortgage interest deduction, then child tax credit…etc. etc., and eventually you reach your cap. So what happens when you reach it? You leave things out. You decide that you’d rather keep your charitable contributions non-taxable than your mortgage interest deduction, and ultimately self-select which tax benefits you will no longer receive. In effect what Romney’s done is find a way to make people raise their own taxes while still giving Grover Norquist a reach-around.

That’s the hallmark of Romney’s candidacy: “Not my problem, but fix the money.” Is that what a President is meant to be? Someone who crunches the numbers and finds ingenious ways to cheat the system to get what he wants? Someone who adopts gremlin Paul Ryan for even more financial wizardry? Is that what our country is meant to exist on? I don’t think so. In fact, I’m going to suggest that people voting Romney Ryan have unwittingly cast a ballot for the newest position in our government: “CFO of America”. And as CFO, they will receive a leader who prizes dollars over the people.

So what do you think. Is this a deal with the devil worth making? Hold that thought—go vote on it. Let’s talk tomorrow.

About the Author

Reginald F. Montague

Reginald F. Montague takes his coffee black and his women in white gloves, the way God made them both.

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One Comment on "I Have An Election"

  1. Alistair Blake Arabella
    Alistair Blake Arabella November 6, 2012 at 6:06 pm · Reply

    Best Title Ever.

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