III:The ten worst
Despite the fact the final installment of my end of the year post is shedding light on the worst films of the year, posting this list under the prestigious name of Donny Brook could have swayed Academy Members to consider these films for their jejune attempt at an award show. So, to avoid scandal I waited until the Academy announced the nominations to provide the 2008 dreadful contributions to cinema. 10. Zodiac – David Fincher – Film Comment loses credibility for naming this film the film of the year. Fincher’s heavy reliance on CGI to provide money shots is one of the many examples that computers are destroying creativity in Hollywood. The film drags, Jake Gyllenhaal’s the least convincing bookworm, Robert Downey Jr. plays Robert Downey Jr. with a different wardrobe, and the suspense scenes lack any bit of payoff. If Fincher wanted to make a film which showed how non-cinematic an actual police investigation is, he succeeded.9. August Rush – Kristen Sheridan – The plot falls nicely into the category of mystical-sap. Jonathan Rhys Meyers is so wooden in this film I expected to see his stain chip when he attempted to smile. Robin Williams raises his ratio of good films:bad films to 1:20 with his Bono impression in the film.8. The Savages – Tamara Jenkins – When I told people I hated this movie their immediate response was “Well, you like/laugh when you go through that.” I’m sorry I have to disagree even when I willingly put my parents in an old-folks home, I’m still sure I won’t laugh at jokes centered around the for Dummies line of books. There should be a public service announcement before the film: Warning – This film does contain not one second of original comedy in the movie, and any attempt at a genuine emotion from Hoffman or Linney is stifled by trying to jam the film in to the genre of bourgeoi-core. Thank you. Please enjoy the Concession stand.7. Seraphim Falls – David Von Ancken – The westerns were doing so great this year, what happened with this? The film had a number of problems, but here are three: 1-Spending so much money on two foreign actors they weren’t able to hire dialect coaches; 2 – casting Pierce Brosnan to carry the majority of the movie (just try to imagine Castaway staring the old Bond instead of T. Hanks, I’m sure I wouldn’t even be able to get through a trailer for that movie); 3 – if you don’t have an ending, adding a surreal ending to a strait film is cheating, or lazy writing. Either way I can’t condone that.
6. The Number 23 – Joel Schumacher – I must be souring in my old age. This movie never had any aspirations to be more than a J. Carrey vehicle to fill seats when the giant blockbusters are sold out, so putting on the list seems like kicking a lame duck. Yet, here it is in all of its tacky cheaply written glory.
5. The Invasion – Oliver Hirschbiegel – Boring! And also who cares. The simple rule for remakes should be if you can’t make it entirely better, not just add CGI, don’t make it.
4. Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer – Tim Story – Again, putting this film on this list feels a little like cheating, the movie had no aspirations to be more than a money making vehicle to test the waters of a Silver Surfer franchise, but I’m taking a stand against bleak comic book movies. Hollywood is completely over-estimating the following of fan boys. In the beginning of comic book movies they wanted to have a quality director, quality script and actors not stars, but now, the talent has left the table and their banking on this guy and whoever the guy was who directed Ghost Rider. In the early days rumors flew that the franchise was to be directed by Steven Soderbergh and star George Clooney. That is the kind of world I want to live in.
3. The Last Legion – Doug Lefler – This movie is the most forgettable movie of the year. A joke of a joke of a film. It didn’t take long for the 300 knock offs to begin I thought when I first saw the trailer, but I assure you even the disposable comedy Meet the Spartans will have more cinematic credibility than this film. This would be number one if it wasn’t for the most beautiful girl in the world, Aishwarya Rai.
2. Illegal Alliens – David Giancola – it is such a shame there was a huge debate over the rightful owner of Anna Nicole’s baby or this could have been the last thing the world would have to remember of Miss Smith. This film may be the second worst film of the year, but it was exponentially more entertaining than the next film.
1. Across the Universe – I don’t even want to mention her name – The worst film of the year. The hatred for this film was incubated for weeks after the initial viewing. If I could advise Sir Mccartney and Mr. Starr I would suggest that they spend the rest of their fortune to block this movie from having a life after the theaters. The no-talent hack that directed this film has done nothing creative and simply exploited the most respected rock band of all time. It isn’t bad enough that Michael Jackson owns all the rights to Beatles songs, now the world has to suffer through a two hours of a hybrid that combines the worst music videos to the worst covers of the best songs of all time. This film should be a sign of the apocalypse. I just pray the invention from Eternal Sunshine is created, so I can invest in having this horrible movie erased from my memory banks.There it is. This post was like Pirates of the Carrabiean: At World’s End, Spider-man 3, and Shrek the Third all rolled into a giant ball of end of trilogy terrible-ness. Feel free to make any adjustments to you Netflix queue to avoid the pain of viewing these films.