Introducing the Coconut Clinic

So with the new year come new opportunities. As you may have noticed, the ‘Brook has been undergoing some pretty big renovations. As such (journalists love using that term) better rooms in the mansion have opened up. And in order to justify the additional 3000 square feet (corner space) I have acquired, I have had to take on some new responsibilities. Due to my stellar track record over in the music side, and seeing as how I know everything and am never wrong, I now have more duties here on the site.

After a late night, high stakes game of Hungry Hungry Hippos, I have been delegated the duty of answering your email. No, not your inevitable “the new site sucks” bullshit, but your relationship emails. In light of my vast experience and lack of contracting VD (unlike some other ‘advice columnists’ on this site. Cough, cough, Ivyy Goldberg, cough.) it is now my responsibility to try to figure out your shit hole relationship problems. For years, I have always been the one in the group that others sought for sage counsel and sound advice. And now I will take my gift for never being wrong and try to help out your twisted little lives. The burden is heavy for sure, but I am up for the task. Let’s face it, this site needs more perspective from the guy’s point of view.

And this is good news for you. Why, you ask? Well, I am willing to bet there is one douchebag or drama queen in your group that loves being the center of attention by getting themselves into unbelievably stupid relationships. Tell tale quotes are usually along the lines of, “I really think this guy is the one, but he can’t spell” or “This girl is so hot, but in order to win her, I must fight her evil exes.” (Which would be a good plot for a semi-decent movie.) You read Donnybrook, you are too happening to deal with their bullshit. So now I am here to set them straight. It’s not because I want to, Lord know I got better things to do than try to figure out your fucking problems. But because I got corner space, I have to do the section nobody else wanted to do.

Let’s face it; while being a great place to make oneself feel better about oneself, those blind posts on Craig’s List are just too creepy. You never get any resolution there and you have as much chance of finding that Missed Connection as seeing a funny Tyler Perry movie. (Or TV Show.) And your friends are sick of your bullshit drama. So let me use my college minor (Psychology of People I Don’t Care About) to straighten out your mess.

Your friend’s got a problem and won’t listen to you? Send them to me. Your BFF dates guys who wear TapOut The Cologne? Send them to me. You know a set of smoking hot triplets who only bone internet columnists? Send them to me. No question too stupid. In fact, that is a dare. My nutsack shrivels at the vast amount of bullshit email I will get.

So how will it work? Send your questions to CoconutRomanCoke@gmail.com. As often as I can tolerate, I will go through and try to answer as many questions as I can while not stabbing my eyes out at the thought of doing so. Please include your name (or name I can use. NO email addresses will be printed, so don’t bother cranking me from your buddy’s email account) and where you live-just to make us sound worldly. Feel free to send pictures as well. But only if you’re a chick. And hot. With clothes falling off. I need some glimmer of hope as I undertake this thankless task.

In a week or so, look for my new column. Until then, help me write it at CoconutRomanCoke@gmail.com.