“It’s Complicated”: A Breakdown of a Facebook Breakup

Ah, the fresh promise of summer love. Romantic and passionate, filled with wonder, pleasure, and mutual affection…
Until it all ends. And its demise is publicly displayed on Facebook, along with what was a two-week old illusion of the promising relationship that was supposed to last “forever and ever.”

It’s no secret that Facebook practically begs its users to create selves that are the opposite of their real lives. Fly-by-night flings and relationships seem to be a natural addition to the illusion. People feed off of it like flies on shit. It‘s their As the World Turns of the internet.

One’s relationship status on Facebook seems to be a definitive aspect of their happiness and self-worth. It’s one of the first things that many just-married couples change. They can put off signing that joint trust, because changing her last name to hubby’s and his status to “married” is just waaay more important.

Because there is apparently nothing more news-breaking than who’s bangin’ who, there’s even an app that will notify you when a Facebook friend changes their relationship status:

The average Facebook relationship can seem quite interesting and genuine to the untrained and naïve eye. It’s not difficult to figure out and appreciate the breakup process displayed in all of its pathetic glory. But first, the relationship must be established, and the quicker the better:

Kissy-face pics. You know the ones: The totally planned out pics with the visibly extended arm holding the iPhone, while the guy is obeying his instructions to “kiss my cheek NOW!” Whatever happened to spontaneous photos that a passer-by took with their (gasp) camera?

Acceptance of their friends so you can have mutual friends. Yay! More of an audience for the beginning of the end!

Tags. You gotta let everyone know that you’re “at home in bed” with your “boo.”

Relationship status change. Be sure to tag them as your girlfriend, and proudly make note of yesterday’s date, since this is the anniversary of when you two met.

Everything seems perfectly peachy for a week or two. And then…uh oh. One day you are “seriously rethinking things,” according to your status. Or “FML.” It may seem a little vague, but we all know that there’s trouble in wanna-be paradise. The beginning of the end is here! Joy!

Pretty soon, you two lovebirds will be arguing through status comments, even though you’re both in the same room. Don’t forget to delete these later, as this will allow others to wonder if your perfect little fucking love story is really so perfect. Soon though, you won’t give two shits who sees your status blowups about your boyfriend’s infidelity with his ex-baby’s momma’s cousin from Shreveport. You want everyone on the intrawebs to know about your heart’s trials and tribulations, damn it.

The moment comes when you must change your Facebook relationship status. This could either be a slow process that starts with “it’s complicated,” or it could be cut and dry with the blatantly effective “single.” Either way, the message is still the same: Everyone knows that you are a loser who couldn’t keep a man.

(You should realize at this point that there are probably a few “friends” who love to see you wallow in your Burnett’s Vodka-soaked tears. Why, you ask? It’s simply due to the cynic in me. Err, I mean them.)

Sometimes the relationship status will disappear entirely, and this is the smart way to reduce the damage. In order to promote this incognito status change, erase every possible trace of Facebook existence of the former flame. Delete those annoying profile pics with your faces smashed together, side by side. No one cared about them anyway. Besides, you were probably trashed at the time. I mean, isn’t that why you two hooked up in the first place?

Pretending it never happened is the most effective way to recover from the online ordeal. I should know.
Yeah, I fell for it once.

It was the one and only time I had ever exposed my stupid little blue heart on Facebook. I had succumbed like the masses and given myself up to the sniffing dogs. Two weeks later I realized, who was I kidding? The dude and I were only fuck buddies and nothing more. And poof! I made my relationship status vanish with the click of the mouse, never to be analyzed again by the one or two people who might have given a rat’s ass about it.

Who am I kidding? No one cared, because everything ends anyway.

Especially on Facebook.