Ivyy Goldberg, Esq. Tackles Marriage

Written by  //  July 6, 2009  //  Ivyy Reads Between the Lines  //  12 Comments

Sometimes, my dears, in my relentless perusal of the internet, I will come across an article that is absurd, miserable, and unintentionally hilarious. Often, this article will try to prove a point, but in trying to prove a point will actually do just the opposite; it will prove MY point. And sometimes, this article is so fun to bash, that I just have to talk about it here, in a public forum, in a new segment we shall now call…

So here’s this wonderful mid-life crisis article on marriage and all its accompanying misery, written by a middle-aged woman who is leaving her husband. The article starts out innocuous enough- she spells out the difficulty of raising kids, working full time, keeping a house, AND keeping the spark alive in the marriage. But she seems to take on all of that as a solo adventure- getting angry at her husband when she fails at any one of these tasks, blaming him for making her feel like an inadequate woman:

“To work, to parent, to housekeep, to be the ones who schedule “date night,” only to be reprimanded in the home by male kitchen bitches, and then, in the bedroom, to be ignored — it’s a bum deal.”

Her solution: to leave the marriage and be her own solo person, responsible for her own achievements and failures. And I say, good for you, random internet woman!! You sound like just the type of person who needs to be solo, nevermind the fact that you have small children at home. If, after 20 years of marriage, you’re still thinking in terms of “I have to cook dinner, then do MY laundry, then take MY dog on a walk, then think about how to put the spark back into MY marriage”, then you’ve kinda missed the point.

The author then starts throwing SCIENCE at us: “…While a Rutgers study suggests that only 38 percent of married people in America describe themselves as happy,… it’s clear that females are dissatisfied — more and more, divorce seems to be initiated by women.”

So, here, in case you’re wondering, the author is trying to talk herself into believing she’s not alone. As long as MORE AND MORE females are initiating divorce, this must be an ok thing!!

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“If marriage is the Old World and what lies beyond is the New World, it’s the apparently stable men who are Old Worlders, and the Girls’ Night Out, questionnaire-completing women who are the questing New Worlders.”

Throughout the article, the author refers to these stable men in a totally derogatory fashion, almost emasculating them for NOT having a wandering eye, for NOT having an 18-year-old’s sex drive, for wanting to keep the homefires burning, the pots bubbling, the shelves neat and tidy.

“In our parents’ era, the guy hit 45, got the toupee, drove the red Porsche, and left his family for the young, hot secretary. We are unable to imagine any of the husbands driving anything with fewer than five seat belts.” Hey, what’s the female equivalent of “misogynist”? Hold on, let me go look it up….ah, there we go: misandrist.

Ok, so, at the end of the article, the author lays out her ‘solution’ to the problem of marriage in general. Let’s take a look:

“So, herewith, some modest proposals. Why don’t we accept marriage as a splitting-the-mortgage arrangement? …rekindling the romance is,..biologically unnatural, particularly after the kids come. If high-revving women are sexually frustrated, let them have some sort of French arrangement where they have two men, the postfeminist model dad building shelves, cooking bouillabaisse, and ignoring them in the home, and the occasional fun-loving boyfriend the kids never see.

As far as the children are concerned, …let children between the ages of 1 and 5 be raised in a household of mothers and their female kin. Let the men/husbands/boyfriends come in once or twice a week to build shelves, prepare (a meal), or provide sex.

Or best of all, after the breast-feeding and toddler years are through, let those nurturing superdads be the custodial parents! Let the Type A moms obsessively work, write checks, and forget to feed the dog. Let the dads then, if they wish, kick out those sloppy working mothers and run effective households, hiring the appropriate staff, if need be. To a certain extent, men today may have more clarity about what it takes to raise children in the modern age. They don’t, for instance, have today’s working mother’s ambivalence and emotional stickiness.”

Ok, so really, REALLY what the author is saying here is that she’s sick of not only her husband, but her kids, and her family in general! She straight up says she has ambivalence towards her children and would rather her husband be the custodial parent!!

Suck it up, lady. You made your bed, now sleep in it with your kids. They can’t help it that they’re needy and don’t let you complete all those questionnaires and New-World Girls-Night-Out dinner parties.

And finally, this paragon of emotional stability gives us, the lost and uninitiated, some guidance: “…here’s my final piece of advice: avoid marriage — or you too may suffer the emotional pain, the humiliation, and the logistical difficulty, not to mention the expense, of breaking up a long-term union at midlife for something as demonstrably fleeting as love.”

Ugh. Let’s raise our glasses for a toast, my friends: May we never become so cynical and jilted. May love and marriage always be, if not two peas in a pod, at least in the same ballpark as each other. May our partners be the people we go to when we have negative thoughts and feelings, and may our partners work WITH US as a team to sort out the good from the bad, to laugh off our shortcomings and celebrate our triumphs, and to forever be forming a more perfect union. Amen.

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About the Author

Ivyy Goldberg, Esq.

Ivyy Goldberg, Esq. is Research Director and Writer of both Denver’s Most Fuckable Rockstars and Handjob and a Reuben. Part time sex columnist, part-time Supreme Court Justice-inspired superhero.

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12 Comments on "Ivyy Goldberg, Esq. Tackles Marriage"

  1. Team Donnybrook
    godonnybrook July 6, 2009 at 3:21 pm · Reply

    Bravo!!

  2. heather July 6, 2009 at 3:41 pm · Reply

    ivyy, will you marry me?

  3. Ethereal JB July 6, 2009 at 3:45 pm · Reply

    In the immortal words of Diedrich Bader’s Lawrence in Office Space, “Fuckin’ A.”

    The downside of the internets and blogging in general is that we are sometimes inundated by reckless and angry authors intent on making us feel that it’s okay to just give up on things when they’re not going our way. If I learned anything last weekend is that this is Amerrica-goddammit and quitting, as we all know, means that the terrorists have won. Thank you Ms. Goldberg for foiling Bin Laden yet again.

  4. Ethereal JB July 6, 2009 at 3:45 pm · Reply

    @heather: Hands off.

  5. poorturtle July 6, 2009 at 4:18 pm · Reply

    my fav part of that article was the link to this one: “Me, husband or baby: Who owns my breasts?”

    wtf are you reading Ivyy? ;)

  6. Action Packed Thrill Lucas July 7, 2009 at 9:33 am · Reply

    This lady sounds like the female version of Danny DeVito’s character in the episode of “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” where he gets a ‘bang-maid.’

  7. Professor Honeydew July 9, 2009 at 10:37 am · Reply

    Wow–just “wow” all over the place. That author is extrapolating a whole lot out of her miserable existence: since she is a miserable twat who happens to be married, then marriage must turn everyone into a miserable twat?

    And if a guy–even if he’s your husband–doesn’t want to fuck you, those child bearing hips could probably stand to benefit from some time on the treadmill. Just sayin’. The river of blame flows both ways.

    My favorite stat is that “only 38% of married Americans describe themselves as happy.” Yes, and you know what else? Americans are an unhappy lot (mainly because of having to deal with people like that writer). I’m sure I’m not the only one who saw that new “happiness” study that ranks the U.S. in 114th place out of a possible 143–one slot ahead of muthafuckin’ Nigeria. The fact is that you could probably get rid of the word “married” from that stat and have it be just as accurate.

  8. Guido Sarducci IV July 10, 2009 at 11:22 am · Reply

    …and then, if once you’ve played the game as a team and the team decides that they don’t play well together any more, well, divorce is OK. Shit happens and everyone doesn’t always make the right choice but don’t blame the other person if you’re no longer into the whole thing.

  9. Ivyy July 11, 2009 at 9:03 am · Reply

    Totally agreed, Guido- I’m not trying to be all holier-than-thou and say that divorce is WRONG WRONG WRONG. quite the opposite- i’m glad we live in a society where anyone, but especially women, can choose to leave a bad marriage. i guess, for me, it’s like the abortion debate: just because you’re technically allowed to do it doesn’t mean you should abuse the privilege*.

    *before everyone hops on THAT- i’m not saying that abortion is a privilege. the freedom to choose how to live your life is a privilege. carry on.

  10. helen July 12, 2009 at 9:12 pm · Reply

    I think she is tired, unloved and unsupported. It’s not that she doesn’t want custody, she just wants help and respect.

  11. Erin October 1, 2009 at 2:22 pm · Reply

    She’s perfect…men suck, children are smelly, and if a dog can’t feed itself then it’s worthless. They all exist just to bring the women down. I’m going to go burn all the bras in the entire world. Sag time!

  12. Father Guido Sarducci IV
    Guido Sarducci IV October 2, 2009 at 10:57 am · Reply

    WTF?!? is Erin talking about? Dogs are Gods most beloved animal. Women were created to feed dogs. Men, on the other hand, were created to feed women.

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