Ivyy Presents: The only religious non-hypocrite in the world.

Written by  //  January 20, 2009  //  Advice, Hand Job and a Reuben, Sex and Love  //  4 Comments

Dear Ivyy:

I’m from a fairly religious family, and I’ve grown up believing I want to save myself for marriage. That’s not really a problem for me. What IS a problem for me, though, is the whole ‘no masturbation’ thing. What’s a horny teenage male like me supposed to do if I’m not allowed to touch myself? I really honestly feel like I’m gonna explode if I don’t do something about this, and soon. Help!

Dying to do it n PA

Dear Dying:

I’m sorry to have to be the one to tell you this, but everyone in your religious community, everyone you talk to who tells you to wait for marriage and not touch yourself because it’s an abomination and a sin- they’re all hypocrites. Every single one of your friends, ministers, youth leaders, church buddies, etc, is masturbating on a somewhat regular basis, or at least has indulged in the sin of masturbation before, and will probably fall off the wagon and do it again at some point in their lives. And that’s NOT a bad thing. Sometimes, a community, for whatever reason, comes up with some ridiculously insane rule that is impossible to actually follow through with. Imagine if the community elders had said “eating is a sin”. Well, no one wants to go against the wish of the elders of a community (hey, I’m all for respecting your elders and whatnot), but a person has to eat! So the community would have to just nod and smile, “Oh, yes, Elder, eating is a sin, I completely agree with you!”, and then simply enjoy their food behind closed doors.

And that’s exactly what you should do, Dying. While open rebellion is always an option, sometimes the easiest solution in this case is to smile and nod at your elders, go about your business in private without getting caught, and remember the torment you went through when deciding in what religious environment (if any!) you want to raise your own kids.

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Dear Ivyy:

I’m 28 years old and, (gulp), a virgin. I’m not saving myself for marriage or anything, I was just waiting for a situation where I felt comfortable. And I think I’ve found that situation. I’ve gone out on a few dates with a guy who I really like. We’ve made out a few times and things seem to be moving along. So now, the eternal question: do I tell him I’m a virgin? I don’t want to freak him out and make him feel undue pressure just because he’s taking my virginity- I mean, it’s not like I want to marry the guy just because I want him to teach me how to have sex! What’s your opinion?

Pure (haha) at 28

Dear Pure:

Ah, the ol’ Should-I-tell-him-I’m-a-virgin-or-will-it-freak-him-out question. Men are weird creatures, for sure. On the one hand, the whole “Oh teach me mold me you’re the only and therefore best I’ve ever had” thing is a huge turn-on for guys. On the other hand, though, a man might get freaked out that being a woman’s first might mean more commitment than he’s ready to get into. If you’ve only gone on a few dates with the guy, then he’s probably not yet seeing this as a serious thing, and neither should you. So if you tell him you’re a virgin, he might just assume that you’re looking at this more seriously than you are, get scared, and start not returning your phone calls. Yet, it sounds like in order for you to truly feel comfortable with the whole Losing Your Virginity thing, you need to tell him- you don’t want to be faking experience you don’t have when you’re going through a pretty momentous event in your life.

I say tell him. Tell him why you’re telling him, and tell him it doesn’t mean you want to get married and have 5 babies. Keep it light and cool, treat it as the fun experience it is. If he runs for the hills, then he’s the one missing out!

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Hey Kids, I’m trying something new this week- the debut of a section of my column called “Ivyy Asks”. That’s right, Loves, even the infallible The Honorable Ivyy Goldberg, Esq (I was promoted over the new year, loves) has questions. Maybe you can help. Here goes:

The 69 Position. (Got your attention, no?) It’s a lovely time, really, quite enjoyable, but I effing hate the name. 69? Seriously, what are we, a drunken frat party? No, no we are not. There has to be a more couth (less uncouth?) way of discussing this most pleasurable of sexual activities without wanting to crawl into an empty 40-bottle and die. Any ideas, precious ones?

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Oh, and here’s something weird. You know that google search bar at the top of your web browser? You know how it auto-fills when you start typing, and offers suggestions as to what it thinks you might be searching for? Well, just for kicks, I put in the phrase “are women…” and here’s what it filled in with:
Are women smarter than men
Are women more emotional than men
Are women human
Are women evil
Are women crazy

…..to just name a few. So my question is….whaaaaa? What the hell are people in google searching, that one of the top suggestions would be “Are women evil”?! Also, c’mon people, we’re waaaay passed women’s lib here, aren’t the terms “emotional” and “crazy” when talking about women a little bit outdated?

So, uhm, anyhoo, maybe I’ll change the name of this section from “Ivyy Asks” to “Ivyy Rants”, or something along those lines. Forgive me, friends, for clearly my jetlag is still running this joint, at least for a few more days. I’ll be back to my old orderly self by the next Hand Job and a Reuben. In the meantime, send questions and comments to godonnybrook@gmail.com, Att: Ivyy Goldberg The Prettiest Girl In The World. Xoxo my dears! Until next time!

About the Author

Ivyy Goldberg, Esq.

Ivyy Goldberg, Esq. is Research Director and Writer of both Denver’s Most Fuckable Rockstars and Handjob and a Reuben. Part time sex columnist, part-time Supreme Court Justice-inspired superhero.

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4 Comments on "Ivyy Presents: The only religious non-hypocrite in the world."

  1. Team Donnybrook
    godonnybrook January 22, 2009 at 6:48 pm · Reply

    Hahaha. I like to picture these people and the situations that get them to the place that they might google something like “are women evil” – and were they hoping Google would supply them with the answer?

  2. Amusement D. Munchausen January 26, 2009 at 1:09 am · Reply

    Better names for the 69, since we’re not offensive linemen:

    The Crowd Pleaser

    Two Birds, One Stone

    South of the Border

    Two Nerds, One Bone

    The Whoop-D-Doop

  3. Rbt. B Rutherford January 26, 2009 at 11:28 am · Reply

    more alternatives to the “69″

    1. The Confused Frenchman
    2. The Double Howdy
    3. Facial Swimsuit
    4. The Big Compromise
    5. Double Crotch Buffet

  4. Dr. Leibnitz Osgood January 28, 2009 at 9:30 pm · Reply

    yet more alternatives to “69″:

    1. The 46 and 2 plus 21
    2. Two Facefuls of Genitalia
    3. The Missionary Position — for Couples with Profound Spatial or Vestibular Disorders
    4. The Ol’ Upside-Downsy
    5. The Vainglorious Yin-Yang

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