9 Tips for The Single Woman

Written by  //  August 24, 2010  //  Ivyy Reads Between the Lines  //  3 Comments

So I have a couple of single girlfriends. They are lovely women, interesting, kind, funny, beautiful, etc. They are well-adjusted and confident and have interesting and fulfilling lives. Sometimes they want a boyfriend, and sometimes they’re happy being alone. In short, they are fully-formed human beings with ever-changing wants and needs, and they are NOT caricatures of The Single Woman. According to the internet, though, they should be spending all their time and energy on figuring out how to catch a man. But, at the same time, they shouldn’t worry about it, because worrying about it is unattractive to potential suitors. So they should NOT look for a man in order to look for a man. Wait. What?

Like in this article, lovelies. Now, from this article, I’m sure some things are becoming abundantly clear- one of these things is that Ivyy Goldberg needs to stop reading the lifestyle and relationships section of MSN. Another thing that is becoming clear, however, is that most people in our society see being a Single Woman as being on the same level of difficulty as being Sarah Palin Retarded. Furthermore, being a Single Woman is clearly YOUR FAULT, and something that needs to be addressed immediately as a personality flaw on par with being a Creationist Republican, or an Evangelical Christian. This article has nine tips for what To Do and Not To Do in order to snag the perfect man. Let’s take a look, shall we?

Rule number one: DON’T complain about your day. Nothing says “not sexy” like having a completely normal life wherein sometimes you have a shitty day at work, amiright?

Rule number two: DON’T be too needy. “Don’t Ask About His Five Year Plan Too Soon.” “Talking about at what age you’d like to get married and have kids too early on in the conversation changes the whole tone of trying to get to know someone,” says Jessi Bockting, from Louisville, Kentucky.” See, men are like gazelles- if you look at them wrong they will flee into the forest, for they are delicate, easily-scared animals. Sure. (Side note- who the fuck is Jessi Bockting from Louisville, Kentucky?)

Rule number three: DON’T be too picky. “Don’t Over-Romanticize Your Perfect “Type” ”There was a period of time I wanted to date only tortured artists — I just love the idea of being someone’s muse,” says Erica DelGrosso, from Queens, New York. “But I realized that they are tortured because they are selfish and make things hard for themselves. Only when I finally let that go did I meet my husband, who constantly inspires me.”

Seriously, according to this article you need a binder and notebook when going on a date- I would never be able to remember all I’m supposed To Do and Not Do. Ok ok, I got this, though. Don’t complain, don’t be picky, don’t be needy. Check, check, and check.

But then, THEN, here’s the kicker. One of the rules in this brilliant article is this: “Don’t See Being Single as a Problem.” “This kind of thinking can lead women to believe they’re being “too picky” or “too needy,” says Karin Anderson, Ph.D., the author of It Just Hasn’t Happened Yet, and it can cause them to create a fake personality.”

WAIT A GODDAMN MINUTE. You JUST told women in the same article to specifically NOT be too eager or too picky. You assholes. DON’T YOU EDIT?!?!?!

Oh, oh, so maybe you really want to help all the Single Women out there. Because they really need a man, right? You just want to help them find one of the Quality Single Men out there in the world, right? And then, THEN, once these Single Women have found the Quality Single Men, then their relationship is totally safe and fool-proof, right? Because Quality Single Men love women who are fully-formed human beings who do more with their lives than just search out men, right? Oh shit. You know what, internet? Fuck you.

About the Author

Ivyy Goldberg, Esq.

Ivyy Goldberg, Esq. is Research Director and Writer of both Denver’s Most Fuckable Rockstars and Handjob and a Reuben. Part time sex columnist, part-time Supreme Court Justice-inspired superhero.

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3 Comments on "9 Tips for The Single Woman"

  1. Angora Holly Polo August 24, 2010 at 1:55 pm · Reply

    Hehe, “Sarah Palin Retarded.” Hehe

  2. Bang Tango'ed August 24, 2010 at 2:44 pm · Reply

    Mystery is the only man for me.

  3. Jason October 9, 2010 at 1:21 pm · Reply

    Yeah, single woman are way too complicated. That’s why I only fuck married chicks.

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