Written by  //  February 17, 2011  //  Ivyy Reads Between the Lines  //  1 Comment

So, yes, ok, dammit. Valentine’s Day has come and gone, my Loves, and Yours Truly is only now getting to a Valentine’s Rant. Let’s just pretend I published this last week, shall we?


So, take a look at this article from our best buddies over at Our Caveman of the Day (COD) today is James Bassil, whose opening premise is this:

Valentine’s Day is around the corner, and there’s a good chance your boyfriend or husband will forget it. You’re aware of this possibility; in fact, if he’s forgotten on previous occasions, you may even already be getting aggravated in anticipation of it.”

So, in Ivyy’s world, Loves, this article would continue thusly: “If you’re getting aggravated in anticipation of this possibility, sit your man down and say the following: “Sweetheart, I want flowers/chocolates/anal sex/a 3-course meal for Valentine’s Day. Please do not forget, as this is important to me and if you play your cards right it will likely result in my bragging about what a great man you are to anyone who will listen to me, and spending my time trying to think of nice things to do for you.” End of article.

But James, JAMES, our bastion of manliness, takes the article out for a spin to see what it can do. And what can it do? It can give flimsy and pathetic excuses for why your man will probably forget Valentine’s Day! And why your man is totally powerless to stop this horrible thing from happening, it’s just something that HAPPENS to him, like getting in a fender bender, or having to pay taxes, or accidentally going to a frat party and getting too drunk and throwing up all over some poor unsuspecting freshman!

Reason Number One why Your Man Will Probably Forget Valentine’s Day and Is Powerless to Stop This From Happening:
“Because Our Friends Forget It, Too”
What? I mean, seriously. Not to turn into, like, a cliché or anything, but, James dear, if all your friends jumped off the Brooklyn Bridge, would you also jump off the Brooklyn Bridge? (There. You forced me to go cliché. On DONNYBROOK. The blog that transcends cliché. Damn you, James. DAMN YOU.)

Reason Number Two why Your Man Will Probably Forget Valentine’s Day and Is Powerless to Stop This From Happening and He Feels Really Bad About It But Really, What Can He Do?:
“Because We’re Tired Out From The Pursuit-
In the early weeks of a relationship, we guys will go all-out planning elaborate dates and romantic surprises. The pursuit usually proves successful just as exhaustion sets in, and we stop doing all those wonderful things that made you fall for us.”

We just STOP doing them, see. We just stop. Stoppy stoppy stop stop.

Reason Number Three Why Your Poor Widdle Man Can’t Seem To Get It Through His Thick Skull That Just Saying “Uh, I Forgot” Does Not Actually Excuse Forgetting Something That Is Important To You:
“Because Our Emotions Are Reactionary”
Ok, seriously. WHAT?

“We don’t show emotions until strongly provoked into doing so.”
So men don’t show emotion enough to buy you some damn flowers for a stupid holiday, see? But, never fear, for….
“During the ensuing argument, however, we will show emotion. We’ll plead and tell you how much we love you, and those of us from poor man-stock may even shed some tears… It’s just the way we men operate.”

Oooooh. “It’s just the way we men operate.” Just like overreacting, eating bon bons, talking only about shopping, playing manipulative mind games, not being able to do a push-up, and crying at work while we menstruate all over important business documents is Just The Way Women Operate.

About the Author

Ivyy Goldberg, Esq.

Ivyy Goldberg, Esq. is Research Director and Writer of both Denver’s Most Fuckable Rockstars and Handjob and a Reuben. Part time sex columnist, part-time Supreme Court Justice-inspired superhero.

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One Comment on "MEN!!!!!!"

  1. godonnybrook February 17, 2011 at 12:07 pm · Reply

    Listen here, Lady-Womans! We’re going to forget Valentine’s Day, and you’re going to be okay with it, and here’s why: we don’t care about Valentine’s Day, and we are assholes, and we only have reactionary emotions, and we are tired of courting you. I hope this correspondence makes it cool.

    What was the point of his column again?

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