Seduction Tips from an Enchanting Woman
Ok folks, here it is- my latest column wherein I show you how ridiculous the internet is and how you should only read Donnybrook and never read anything else because everybody else on the internet is STUPID.
Here’s an article from this woman who takes famous women from ancient history and proves how they’re all seductive and shit. The article is called “Seduction Tips from Enchanting Woman” (yup, grammatically awkward typo included, on C-fucking-N-N-dot-com!!), but might as well be called “Obvious stuff that you should obviously know if you’re a “real” woman. Obvious obvious obvious.”
So she starts with a questionable premise: men are only into women for sex. She then puts it on women to trick their men into falling for them for more than just their magical, magical vaginas.
“Many women think men only care about the lust angle — finding a hot bod for hot sex. Unfortunately, there are many men who do only care about this. …However, a healthful, happy love relationship is what Aristotle calls a relationship of shared virtue…
Meaning? If you want to fully seduce a man, then you’ve got to know how to grab a man by more than his you-know-what. You must truly turn on a man’s soul!”
Yes, there is actually an exclamation point at the end of that statement. This is a woman who very clearly knows her way around the Relationship row of the Self-Help aisle in her local Barnes and Noble. This is a woman who has clearly read and internalized The Rules and knows that the worst thing you can do when you want to snare a man is to be honest and expect any sort of honesty from him. Noooooo!
One must be quiet and calculating, one must dole out sex the way a dog trainer doles out treats when the man (dog) does good. THIS will keep the man coming back for more.
“…in this modern world, you risk the man respecting you less if you give sex away too quickly…..If you ever wanna hear “I do,” you have to start off saying a lot of sexual “I don’ts.”… I recommend to the women I coach that they do not drink alcohol on dates…. being alcohol-free will help make sure you don’t move too swiftly forward physically (a.k.a. it will ensure you keep your vajayjay in your skirt!).”
Again with the exlamation point!! Ugh.
But don’t worry, folks, this woman is not some old-fashioned women-in-their-place sexist. Quite the opposite, in fact- her seduction tip claims that women can use their BRAINS to keep a man around, and NOT just their magical, magical vaginas.
“If you want to be a man’s Princess Charming, you MUST do more than work on tightening your buns or boosting up your boobs!… It’s very seductive to a man when you, as a full-bodied and full souled woman, have passions in your life you can share to keep him inspired, titillated, growing and thriving….The more passions you have in your life, the more passion your man will have for you!”
FINALLY, a reason to go out and find a passion in life. To snag a man with my passion for, like, things and stuff.
And finally- “My overall big seduction tip for luring in healthful, happy relationship is to STOP trying to be seductive!”
Right. Stop trying. But remember to withhold sex, be mysterious, work on tightening up your buns and boosting your boobs, and keep him simply fascinated with your interesting stories and refreshing anecdotes. Just don’t make them too complex or depressing, because your man has had a stressful day at work and needs you to be beautiful and quiet and titillating and inspiring for him. Mkay?