Ivyy Very Sexily Explains Birth Control
Hello Dears, Ivyy here with a column you’ve all been waiting for: birth control!!!
Yes yes, I know. I just heard the sound of my millions of readers groaning. “But Ivyy!” you say. “We’re adults, man! We know all about birth control!”
All I have to say, millions of readers, is, oh really? Are you sure? And furthermore, are you the only one reading my column? Won’t you think of my young readers, my young impressionable readers who don’t know and feel uncomfortable asking and are just really very impressionable and innocent? Think of THE CHILDREN, dammit.
And for all the men out there… KEEP READING. There is nothing sexier to a woman than a man who is at least a little bit knowledgable about what is going on “down there”, and who, furthermore, doesn’t turn into a grossed-out squirming 5-year-old boy at the mere thought of some of this realistic stuff that women have to think about in order to sleep with you. Do NOT be that guy who can’t have an intellectual conversation about this. Just don’t.
So here’s how we’re gonna do it, kids. I know you already know the scientific bullcrap. And if you don’t, well, there’s an entire internet out there to find that stuff. What we’re doing here at Donnybrook is telling you the stuff you need to know- how much it’ll affect your daily life, and any effect it might have on your sex life. Read on:
Birth Control Method: The pill
Effectiveness: 99% effective
Responsibility factor: High. So here’s the thing with that- you have to take it at the SAME TIME EVERY DAY, lest you forget and a) get all preggers, or b) have to take two the next day or even three the day after that. If you choose option b, a few things will happen. First, you’ll have to give the pill 4 or 5 days before it’s effective again. Second, you’ll turn into a raging she-beast for a few days while your body tries to work out the lack then overabundance of hormones you have so lovingly provided.
Sexy-time factor: Moderate. Once you’re in the groove of taking the damn thing every day, you can just sit back and allow yourself to be seduced- you’re already covered, man, at least for pregnancy. However, it’s hormones you’re pumping into your body, so they might be affecting your desire to even GET sexy. Keep close tabs on how you feel when you’re on it, and change your dose or brand if you find big changes in your personality or sex drive.
Birth Control Method: The diaphragm.
Effectiveness: 86-94% effective.
Responsibility Factor: High. You have to be fitted for a diaphragm, which means calling your gynecologist, which means remembering who your gynecologist is and where their office is located. Then you have to remember to bring it with you whenever or wherever you plan on doin’ it, along with the ooey-gooey spermicidal lubricant.
Sexy-time Factor: Low. Hey, remember that one time when I was talking about that ooey-gooey spermicidal lubricant? Well, when you have a diaphragm, you have to insert it, along with the spermicidal lubricant, NO MORE THAN TWO HOURS before engaging in sexual intercourse. That means KNOWING two hours in advance whether or not you’re going to engage in sexual intercourse. Does anyone EVER know two hours in advance whether or not they’re gonna get laid?
Birth Control Method: Condom
Effectiveness: 99% effective
Responsibility Factor: Moderate. OK, I wasn’t gonna even TALK about the condom, because DUH, we all know what it is and what it does. But JB insists that talking about birth control without mentioning the condom is like comparing ice cream flavors without mentioning vanilla. Dude’s got a point.
Condoms are the number one cheapest and most foolproof way of keepin’ away babies. Just throw one on and you suddenly have visual, PHYSICAL proof that you’re just in it for the fun of it.
Sexy-time Factor: Moderate. Although putting on a condom can be a sexy moment if treated in the right way, it’s still a moment where you have to stop and decide to put a piece of slimy plastic on a body part that is just not used to being wrapped in slimy plastic.
Birth Control Method: Birth Control Patch
Effectiveness: 99% effective when used correctly.
Responsibility Factor: Moderate. You have to remember to put a patch somewhere on your body 3 out of every 4 weeks of the month. But at least it’s only once a week, right?
Sexytime factor: Moderate to Low. The patch is worn (and therefore always visible) on the buttocks, stomach, upper outer arm, or upper torso, according to a website that knows stuff. Is it just me, or are those the sexiest places on a woman’s body? So now, on the sexiest part of my body I have to always wear what looks like a nicotine patch? Yeah.
Birth Control Method: Fertility Awareness
Effectiveness: around 85% effective.
Responsbility Factor: High. It’s all right there in the name: Fertility Awareness. This method involves being, uh, aware of your cycle and knowing the days when you’re most and least fertile. Also, uh, how the hell do you do that?
Sexytime factor: Moderate to High. Despite the fact that you have to chart your cervical mucus (your cervi-what whatnow?), this is actually a very natural form of birth control, that allows for any kind of sex at any time of day or night. Except, of course, for the days when you’re most fertile, which, according to different methods, is anywhere between 5 and 15 days out of the month. Wow. Catholics have it hard.
Birth Control Method: The IUD
Effectiveness: 99% effective.
Responsibility Factor: Low to moderate. You have to get it inserted in a doctor’s office, yes. But once it’s in there, you have absolutely no upkeep, maintenance, or worry about it, for 5 to 10 years, or until you get it removed by your doctor. On the con side, however, if the apocalypse happens and there’re no more doctors anymore and a woman’s value is based on her fertility, you might have to figure out a way to get it out yourself, thus lowering your post-apocalyptic value.
Sexy-time factor: Moderate to high. Doctors recommend only having one partner at a time when you have this thing, because the chances of complications are high if you catch an STD with one of these in you. So if your idea of sexy is to slut it up a little bit, this is probably not the best for you. If you’re pretty monogamous, however, SexyTime factor is very high- based simply on the fact that once you have it in, you never have to think about it again.
So there you have it. Everything you ever EVER needed to EVER know about birth control. You are more than welcome, Loveys!