Ivyy’s Universal Truths About Boys
All my Ladies out there, holla!! Today, Lovelies, we’re talking about boys. Confusing, inscrutable, mysterious creatures they may appear, but under that baffling exterior they’re very simple beings who like to eat, sleep, and screw, mostly in that order.
Want to find out more? I here present Ivyy’s Universal Truths About Boys. (For all the boys out there about to get huffy at the ridiculous generalization that follows, you can read Ivyy’s Universal Truths About Girls here.)
- If a boy likes his mother, he likes women.
A man’s first interaction with women comes from his relationship with his mother. This will paint the picture of his relationships with all women for the rest of his life. A man who has a healthy respect for his mother will inevitably love and respect women at the core of his being. (Famous examples: Alex P. Keaton, Will Smith.)
- Conversely, if a boy hates his mother, he hates women.
Beware the man who speaks disrespectfully of his mother. Now, I’m not talking about sainthood here- men are allowed to find their mothers to be difficult, have neurotic relationships with them, and be constantly exasperated with them. We’re all human, and to be human is to be driven crazy by your parents every once in a while. But a man who will disparage his mother publicly and honestly seems to dislike her on a fundamental level will often have that attitude towards all women in general. I can’t explain the science behind it, but trust me on this one- if he hates his mother, he’ll hate you. (Famous examples: Eminem, Bender Rodriguez)
- Boys want to be seen as the big strong men they are.
No big surprise here- men want women to think they’re big and strong and can take care of themselves and the world. They love opening pickle jars for us, reaching to the top shelves to get things that are out of our reach, and checking for monsters under the bed before we go to sleep at night.
- Behind closed doors, boys sometimes need us to be the big strong ones.
Men fear failure and rejection to an almost preternatural degree. I don’t know, it must be something from the caveman days where failure meant their bloodline would starve and die out. Or maybe they just hate feeling stupid.
- Boys love the word “fart”, “dump”, and “wang”.
That’s how boys bond. When two men who don’t know each other meet for the first time, there’s a primitive ritual, a rite of passage that must occur if the two men have any hope of surviving in this socially difficult society we have created. If they are outside of any woman’s hearing, here’s what happens: one man looks the other in the eye and says “Farts.” The other man then laughs and says “Wang.” The first man laughs and the two are now friends. True story. That’s how it happens.
So there you go, Ladies. That about covers it- we now know all we will ever need to know about boys. Go get ‘em.