Ivyy’s Universal Truths About Boys

Written by  //  February 17, 2009  //  Hand Job and a Reuben, Sex and Love  //  10 Comments

All my Ladies out there, holla!!  Today, Lovelies, we’re talking about boys.  Confusing, inscrutable, mysterious creatures they may appear, but under that baffling exterior they’re very simple beings who like to eat, sleep, and screw, mostly in that order.
Want to find out more? I here present Ivyy’s Universal Truths About Boys. (For all the boys out there about to get huffy at the ridiculous generalization that follows, you can read Ivyy’s Universal Truths About Girls here.)

  • If a boy likes his mother, he likes women.

A man’s first interaction with women comes from his relationship with his mother.  This will paint the picture of his relationships with all women for the rest of his life.  A man who has a healthy respect for his mother will inevitably love and respect women at the core of his being.  (Famous examples:  Alex P. Keaton, Will Smith.)

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  • Conversely, if a boy hates his mother, he hates women.

Beware the man who speaks disrespectfully of his mother.  Now, I’m not talking about sainthood here- men are allowed to find their mothers to be difficult, have neurotic relationships with them, and be constantly exasperated with them.  We’re all human, and to be human is to be driven crazy by your parents every once in a while.  But a man who will disparage his mother publicly and honestly seems to dislike her on a fundamental level will often have that attitude towards all women in general.  I can’t explain the science behind it, but trust me on this one- if he hates his mother, he’ll hate you. (Famous examples:  Eminem, Bender Rodriguez)

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  • Boys want to be seen as the big strong men they are.

No big surprise here- men want women to think they’re big and strong and can take care of themselves and the world.  They love opening pickle jars for us, reaching to the top shelves to get things that are out of our reach, and checking for monsters under the bed before we go to sleep at night.

  • Behind closed doors, boys sometimes need us to be the big strong ones.

Men fear failure and rejection to an almost preternatural degree.  I don’t know, it must be something from the caveman days where failure meant their bloodline would starve and die out.  Or maybe they just hate feeling stupid.

  • Boys love the word “fart”, “dump”, and “wang”.

That’s how boys bond.  When two men who don’t know each other meet for the first time, there’s a primitive ritual, a rite of passage that must occur if the two men have any hope of surviving in this socially difficult society we have created.  If they are outside of any woman’s hearing, here’s what happens:  one man looks the other in the eye and says “Farts.”  The other man then laughs and says “Wang.”  The first man laughs and the two are now friends.  True story.  That’s how it happens.

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So there you go, Ladies.  That about covers it- we now know all we will ever need to know about boys.  Go get ‘em.

About the Author

Ivyy Goldberg, Esq.

Ivyy Goldberg, Esq. is Research Director and Writer of both Denver’s Most Fuckable Rockstars and Handjob and a Reuben. Part time sex columnist, part-time Supreme Court Justice-inspired superhero.

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10 Comments on "Ivyy’s Universal Truths About Boys"

  1. Team Donnybrook
    godonnybrook February 17, 2009 at 1:32 pm · Reply

    I think boys are dreamy.

  2. Guido Sarducci IV February 17, 2009 at 6:11 pm · Reply

    WANG!

  3. Ethereal JB February 18, 2009 at 11:41 am · Reply

    Totally wang. We need to hang out more, Guido.

  4. Elmer Honeydew February 18, 2009 at 12:23 pm · Reply

    That last photo is almost too perfect for the accompanying text.

    Is he actually mouthing “wang”?

    And by “mouthing wang,” I don’t mean *nudge* mouthing wang */nudge*

  5. Guido Sarducci IV February 18, 2009 at 2:00 pm · Reply

    Actually Elmer, I think the picture of Slim Shady expresses the face of someone “mouthing wang” while little Michael J. Fox is doing his best to hold in a fart.

    DUMP!

  6. Dr. Vic February 18, 2009 at 6:38 pm · Reply

    Wow. These are ridiculous generalizations without any bases. Wherein some of this may ring true, the information is little better than you’d find in an article on truisms and urban legends. Further, what is written represents an oversimplification. Are people really this simple minded? Not in my experience. You can, for instance, have a mother who has caused you nothing but grief and, rightly so, have a terrible relationship with her. Then, you can find just the right woman and love her without question. Further, the info on “fart and wang” doesn’t hold true with any friend I’ve ever had. I don’t know what purpose this article serves.

  7. Rbt. B. Rutherford February 18, 2009 at 8:26 pm · Reply

    hahaha! Dr. Vic said fart and wang!

  8. robbiebowman February 19, 2009 at 10:35 am · Reply

    I must confess I can’t say “fart” without blushing. Wang, on the other hand, I had forgotten about and need to start saying more often.
    I am just so glad Bender Rodriguez got a shout-out.

  9. Irving J. Silvertoad February 19, 2009 at 10:37 am · Reply

    Dr. Vic, you and I have both said fart and wang to each other on multiple occasions. I remember when we met on that dewey glen and you said to me it was as wet out as an asthmatic’s fart and I wondered what that meant. You then gently held my nethers and said that it is perfectly healthy to hold a man’s wang and that you were a doctor. And look at how our friendship has grown!

  10. The Bartender February 20, 2009 at 9:28 am · Reply

    Yeah except instead of “wang” “dump” and “fart” it’s “dick” “shit” and “explosive diarrhea.”

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