Ivyy’s Universal Truths About Girls

A friend recently stated what he believes to be a universal truth: “Girls are crazy. Boys are stupid,” said he, and I am inclined to agree. Boys are really very incredibly stupid. If you don’t believe me, just tell a fart joke the next time you’re in the presence of boys (even “grown up” boys), and see what happens.

Now, now, don’t get peevish, boys. Ivyy is here for you. She’s going to take you by your precious trembling little hands and lead you into the World of Girl. Try to remain calm. Look, listen, and learn. Are we ready? Ivyy’s Universal Truths about Girls (with some help from her friends).

• 99% of girls have a “happy weight”. This is the number that makes them truly happy when it shows up on the scale, the arbitrary number that for some reason says to them “you are effing sexy right now”. *

• Don’t ask a girl if she’s a feminist. What is this, 1952? Of course she’s a feminist. She’s a girl. That’s like asking a black dude if he’s pro-civil rights.

• However feminist she is, a girl still likes to have doors held open for her, be formally invited out on a date where the guy pays, and be sent flowers on a day that is nowhere near her birthday or your anniversary or Valentine’s Day. This has nothing to do with feminism, it’s about treating us like the delicate fucking princesses that we are.

• Most girls have sexual fantasies that are just as freaky, if not freakier, than men’s fantasies. You just won’t hear about them until she’s good and ready to let you in on them.

• Girls really, really like kittens. And puppies. And babies. But really, who doesn’t? Terrorists, maybe. But not girl terrorists, girl terrorists probably secretly still love kittens and puppies and babies.

The Delegate from Africa (identity to be revealed at a later date) says:

• It doesn’t matter how interesting you think you are or how clever and cool your stories may be, make sure you ask women about themselves…and remember the answers. Nothing is a bigger turn off for a woman than a man who talks only about himself.**

• Women need to have women friends. Beware of those who do not have close female companions, it’s a sign that something isn’t right.***

And Madame Derriere, Ivyy’s good friend and confidant, has this to say:

• If you break up with a girl, she’s going to be angry with you. She’s going to call her friends and tell them the breakup story and they are going to say terrible things about you. Allow this to happen. It’s her way of dealing with rejection. The cruel thing to do in this situation would be to pull The Nice Guy Act and try to make her not hate you. She doesn’t hate you, she’s just ego-crushed. Allow her her pride. Move on.****

There are many many more Universal Truths, kittens, but these are the most important ones. Next time you’re tempted to think “Damn, she craaazy!!”, take a second, read this column, and find which category of Universal Truth the crazy is falling under. It will probably be one of these, and it will start to make a whole lot more sense.

Thanks for indulging me, Lovelies. Next week, back to the sex questions, I promise!!

*99% of the girls who have a happy weight are not currently at their happy weight.
**Bigger turn off than a man who talks only about himself: a man who talks only about his ex.
***Also beware women who have only close female companions, and lots of ‘em. It’s the sorority sister mentality- she’ll tell them everything about you. Everything.
****Other cruel things you could do in this situation: Date her friends. Try to be friends with her or her friends. Try to set her up with your friends.