Ivyy’s Valentine’s Message

You know what, Advertisers? I get it. I mean, you have a shitty job, trying to sell chocolates and flowers. I understand how hard that is during the rest of the year, and I can dig that you feel you need to go All In on Valentine’s Day, because really, that one measly day a year is putting your kids through college.

But I really, I just, UGH, I can’t even anymore with the bullshit way you are appealing to the basest of Cavemen in an already shaky post-feminist (?) society. At the time of this writing, it is February 7th, and I’ve already seen two commercials with the following premises:

COMMERCIAL #1: A beautiful Adrianna Lima walks around in a sexy nightie talking about what happens if you give a lady flowers from flowers.com for Valentine’s Day: “Give and you shall recieve.” She’s talking about a blow job, see. If you give flowers, you will get a blow job.

Blow job for some flowers? Sounds totally fair to me!

COMMERCIAL #2: “Buy her the Twilight series on DVD and it’ll be Happy Valentine’s Day to YOU!” This is stated explicitly for the boyfriend in the situation, and absolutely implies that he will recieve oral sex. (Side note: this one is actually even more disturbing if you think about the target demographic who would want to recieve the Twilight series on DVD, said target demographic being 13 to 16-year-old girls. Who then, according to this commercial, have to suck a dick in return. Good job, Advertisers!! Hope you’re raising YOUR daughters in hyberbolic sensory-deprivation chambers, because the rest of us are not!)

Yeah, I'm gonna need you to take your clothes off now, Sweetheart.

Bitches, please! Do not cater to the lowest common denominator among men! You simply MUST give them more credit than that! I personally know lots and lots of men, and a large majority of them would buy flowers for their girlfriends or wives just to be nice, even if there were no possibility of a blow job, I promise you. Seriously, with these commercials you are turning into bad parodies of yourselves.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m2gG9KmX3uM

And a message for any stupid men out there who are actually buying into these advertisements: a shitty box of chocolates and some wilted flowers WILL NOT GET YOU ORAL SEX. Not in today’s market, my friend. And especially not by Adriana Lima. Sorry to burst your bubble, there, Sparky, but a crack-whore in a back alley would charge more than that for some middle-school-style over-the-pants action.

That’s all, Advertisers. Thanks for your time. Now get back to destroying civilization as we know it, you lazypants, you!