The Pen is Mightier: Mrs. Jesus

“Coconut” Has the Real Deets Behind the Rumors…

“Bathsheba, have you heard the latest rumor about Jesus of Nazareth?”

“Whilst, no Lilith of Faire, I have not.”

“Rumor is, he has taken a wife.”

“What, be that trueth? How strange indeed. He has always struck me as an odd sort. What with the long hair and scraggly beard. He doth hang around with his followers and drink wine. He purports himself to be some sort of carpenter! I mean, honestly, who has ever heard of a Jewish carpenter?”

“I have seen Jesus, preaching to his acolytes and other hangers on. My, he regales with such fantastic tales. Calls himself the Son of God. Oh, the stories he weaves every Sunday morning. Then in the afternoon, he and his coterie retreat to Bethlehem to drink copious amounts of mead and cheer on the Bethlehem Stars in the football game.

“Now, rumor from Esther in Ephesus is that he has taken a wife. Rumor has it is is none other than Mary Magdalene!”

“Mary! Why, I was lead to believe that was his mother! Now I am most confused! Which one it is, his wife or his mother? Does Jesus hail from the deep south part of Nazareth? Perhaps Maury from Povich can straighten this quandary out.”

“Well, better it to be Mary than Amanda of Bynes. She’s crashed 14 chariots just this week. If true, Jesus is better off with out her.”

“Bathsheba, you recall for a brief period, Jesus was my homeboy. He was happy. He would walk around, pointing to people and giving them a big thumbs up. There were times when we would be at his abode. The wine would flow endlessly. To this day, I do not know where he got so much wine. And for some odd reason, endless loaves of bread, too. That really pissed off my ex.”

“Your ex was angered by your dalliance with Jesus?”

“No, my ex was upset because he was the town baker.”

Hmm… is that a baby-bump she’s hiding under there? I smell a scandal. And it smells like sweaty loincloths.

“Regardless, Jesus and Mary now freely roam the streets and bazaars, holding hands. Their PDA sicken me! At the Gethsemane bazaar, they bought matching necklaces. They call them the Jesus and Mary Chains. My, what pretense!”

“Aye, Bathsheba, I always thought he was a common con artist. I’ve heard stories of him walking across water at the Galilee Sandals and making the lame rise. My brother, Jacob from Quileute, has even seen him playing shell games in the alley behind the Babylon Starbucks.”

“The Starbucks on Mule Road? Or the one on Camel Way? Maybe the one on Tebow Lane? Honestly, there are so many of those damn things just sprouting up everywhere these days.”

“Neighbors have heard them making love in their hut. They have heard Mary cry Jesus’ father’s name while in the midst of passion! How disgusting!”

“My, someone should document this era. Maybe Matthew or John, they are both fair writers, but neither of them have an advice column. Also, they must wait until they are ridiculously old and senile to write their tales.”

“Bah, this probably won’t mean a damn in twenty years.”