The Pen Is Mightier : In Praise of the Invisible Girlfriend

Written by  //  January 28, 2013  //  Advice, Coconut Clinic, The Dormitory  //  No comments

Why Manti’s Girlfriend is Better Than Yours

Lennay Kekua

Blah blah blah Catfish the Movie
Blah blah blah Catfish the Show
Blah blah blah Manti Te’o

Now that we’re all caught up here and my Intro to Creative Writing professor is spinning over in his watery grave, let’s get to it.

Look, I could very easily jump on the bandwagon of every other nitwit online. If there’s a bigger target for comedy than Te’o right now, I don’t know who it is. But I will probably rag on them next week. We could argue back and forth over how long he knew or if he was in on the whole thing. Unfortunately, I don’t have any interns to do all the bore-ass “fact-checking”, mostly because they all dress like this. Besides, if his friends are any real friends at all, they will bust his nuts for years over the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus. Guys are unsupportive douchebags when things like this happen. The point getting lost here is that it’s really not all that bad to have an invisible girlfriend. Clearly, there are advantages.

Real girlfriends want to go out to real dinners to “adult” restaurants. Hell, this just flared up in my real life. This Week’s Girl started whining how she wanted to go out to eat. “Someplace nice.” Which is also code for “no way in hell am I paying, either.” I mean, this girl thinks she’s like cheerleader/B movie scream queen level. Sorry honey, you’ll dine in the Olive Garden and be happy with it. You don’t have this drama with invisible girlfriends.

Let’s not lose sight of the fact having an invisible girlfriend is remarkably gentlemanly. So say Mr. Te’o is getting hit on by some grenades. What kinder way to let them know he is currently exclusive by having a made up girlfriend? “Sorry, madam, while girls with hairy moles and Coke bottle glasses are usually my thing, unfortunately, I am in a committed relationship with a girl on line. She also just happens to be a Nigerian princess.”

Even I, your noble author, have used the old invisible girlfriend excuse to prevent damaged feelings or an embarrassing situation. Just recently, I had to accompany some of our serfs down to the city to procure more cube sugar for our weekly absinthe & Funyuns soirees. I found my self getting hit on by a girl who was, as I believe the serf put it, ‘tore up from the floor up.’ To save damaging her already shaky confidence, I told her I had a girlfriend. She mumbled something under her breath about her ‘lousy, pick throwing husband’, whatever that means, and walked away.

We’ve all heard stories from girls about how taken guys are always more attractive than single guys. What better way to increase your desirability than to come off as the forbidden fruit? Best part is absolutely no one gets hurt. Damn, I am really starting to like this whole invisible girlfriend thing.

You can also draw some parallels. Sara Underwood; a girl you could never date in real life. Made up girlfriend; a girl you could never date in real life. Looks like you just got into the big leagues, slugger.

In fact, an invisible girlfriend can be a pervert’s best friend. Usually, loitering about the Frederick’s of Hollywood dressing rooms would normally emit a creep factor of 16. Especially when the hired wage slave ask you ,”Do you need any help today, sir?’ A simple reply of “I’m waiting for my girlfriend to make up her damn mind” followed by a roll of the eyes will not only win you the wage slave’s compassion, you’ve pretty much bought all the oogling time a man could want. Score!

So let us not mock Te’o in his time of need, especially when Lance Armstrong is available. Instead, let us all learn a lesson. A lesson that can all make us better men. And that lesson is; lying is good.

About the Author

"Coconut" Roman Coke

"Coconut" Roman Coke is on a slow path to world domination which has led him to many callings: professional lacrosse player, helicopter pilot, foot model, and double agent.

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