Marriage vs. Wedding- The Blind Item Celebrity Edition!

Written by  //  November 7, 2011  //  Hand Job and a Reuben  //  No comments

Dear Ivyy,

I am a newlywed who just went through a huge glamorous wedding, and I’m suddenly realizing I don’t want to be married. At all. The wedding was great- it was really REALLY expensive, and I got to wear like 3 dresses, and there were flowers EVERYWHERE, and my name was, like, written in huge lights all over the place! It was so much fun! But now, now that the hoopla has died down, I just realized I don’t really like the guy I married. I guess I didn’t really even think about the actual marriage part, I just got so whisked away by the idea of having my ideal fantasy girlish wedding, with lights, and cameras, and the whole world watching my every move. What should I do?

Confused in Hollywood


Dear Confused,

Oh dear. I think I might be a little behind in my letter-reading. I SO hope I’m catching you with this advice before you go and do something rash, my dear!
You should stick it out for 6 months, and then quietly divorce. The last thing in the world you probably want right now is more attention paid to you or your new marriage. I can’t imagine going through what you went through, my poor darling, with the whole world watching you commit to a man to whom you had no intention of committing!
And, although I know you don’t love him enough to marry him, I know you must respect your current husband enough that you don’t want him to go through any more pain than he already will when you tell him you want to divorce. Imagine the misery you would put upon him if you were to announce so soon after your marriage that you wanted to divorce!
And your family! Oh my, think of your family!! Your poor mother surely has wanted nothing more than to see you happily married since you were a little girl, and was so excited to go through this wedding process with you. Allow her a moment’s respite before you make her call all her family and friends and explain that her daughter loved the wedding, and appreciated all the presents, but just wasn’t so absolutely positive on the whole marriage thing.
Best of luck, dear. I hope everything works out for you.

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About the Author

Ivyy Goldberg, Esq.

Ivyy Goldberg, Esq. is Research Director and Writer of both Denver’s Most Fuckable Rockstars and Handjob and a Reuben. Part time sex columnist, part-time Supreme Court Justice-inspired superhero.

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