Matty from Tauntaun
Ok so the other day was a Snow Day, and, in accordance with statewide snow day law, I spent the majority of my day inside, drinking whiskey and playing Rock Band. When my friends and I were sufficiently plowed, we did what all overzealous and full of hubris drunk gamers did- we put RockBand on random and played whatever came on.
And what happened? Of course, a metal song came on. And we were HORRIBLE. And in my drunken whiskey haze, I made a miraculous brain/rockband/metal connection: heavy metal music is HARD. It’s some of the toughest music out there.
So it is with great happiness that I announce this week’s Denver’s Most Fuckable Rockstar, loves…
Matty from Tauntaun!!!
Band: bassist, Tauntaun
How to Impress Him: Order some incredibly sophisticated drink at the bar where he works.
Why He’s This Week’s Most Fuckable Rockstar: Well, first of all, he’s cute and suuuuper duper nice. And he mixes a mean drink. Oh and he will FUCK YOUR SHIT UP along with his bandmates, and make you do crazy things like get in the middle of a mosh pit as a 30-YEAR-OLD, even though you’re too old and mature for shit like that and have NO PLACE being in there among the 20-year-olds.
Probable Lovemaking Style: Well, Matty is a real nice guy but plays FUCK YOU metal rock. He’s hot and cold like that- which means he’ll probably bring the handcuffs AND the strawberries with champaigne. Your job is to just be ready to use either one. Or both.
Possible Drawbacks: Oh man, those mosh pits can be dangerous. BEWARE.
Where You Can Find Him: There’s this bar called Sputnik’s. Maybe you’ve heard of it? Anyhoo, Matty can be found there. He’ll gladly tell you all about Tauntaun’s next face-melting show. www.myspace.com/tauntaunmetal