Matty from Tauntaun

Written by  //  November 27, 2009  //  Denver's Most Fuckable Rockstars, Sex and Love  //  2 Comments

Ok so the other day was a Snow Day, and, in accordance with statewide snow day law, I spent the majority of my day inside, drinking whiskey and playing Rock Band. When my friends and I were sufficiently plowed, we did what all overzealous and full of hubris drunk gamers did- we put RockBand on random and played whatever came on.

And what happened? Of course, a metal song came on. And we were HORRIBLE. And in my drunken whiskey haze, I made a miraculous brain/rockband/metal connection: heavy metal music is HARD. It’s some of the toughest music out there.

So it is with great happiness that I announce this week’s Denver’s Most Fuckable Rockstar, loves…

Matty from Tauntaun!!!


Name: Matty

Band: bassist, Tauntaun

How to Impress Him: Order some incredibly sophisticated drink at the bar where he works.

Why He’s This Week’s Most Fuckable Rockstar: Well, first of all, he’s cute and suuuuper duper nice. And he mixes a mean drink. Oh and he will FUCK YOUR SHIT UP along with his bandmates, and make you do crazy things like get in the middle of a mosh pit as a 30-YEAR-OLD, even though you’re too old and mature for shit like that and have NO PLACE being in there among the 20-year-olds.

Probable Lovemaking Style: Well, Matty is a real nice guy but plays FUCK YOU metal rock. He’s hot and cold like that- which means he’ll probably bring the handcuffs AND the strawberries with champaigne. Your job is to just be ready to use either one. Or both.

Possible Drawbacks: Oh man, those mosh pits can be dangerous. BEWARE.

Where You Can Find Him:
There’s this bar called Sputnik’s. Maybe you’ve heard of it? Anyhoo, Matty can be found there. He’ll gladly tell you all about Tauntaun’s next face-melting show.

About the Author

Ivyy Goldberg, Esq.

Ivyy Goldberg, Esq. is Research Director and Writer of both Denver’s Most Fuckable Rockstars and Handjob and a Reuben. Part time sex columnist, part-time Supreme Court Justice-inspired superhero.

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2 Comments on "Matty from Tauntaun"

  1. Team Donnybrook
    godonnybrook November 30, 2009 at 12:17 pm · Reply

    Ahh, the lessons we learn from Rock Band. Hey, is Taun Taun playing the Moonspeed CD release on Friday? I heard they were through the grapevine, but I can’t find it online anywhere…

  2. Father Guido Sarducci IV
    Guido Sarducci IV November 30, 2009 at 12:28 pm · Reply


    *with metal fist in air

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