Meet King Arthur Fonzerelli: The Coolest Forty-Two Year Old In Class
So why is it they can’t just make a game that’s fun anymore?
I got back into video gaming a few years ago as I was searching for the same thing every other forty-two year old man who’s dating a twenty-three year old stripper longs for: a reason to smoke more weed and pretend I couldn’t hear her three kids screaming for their CRACK-EEO’S at 6:00 in the morning. I climbed into the attic, busted out the ATARI 2600, and started down that glorious road leading further and further from the burdensome details of reality.
I came to a place where pizza rolls are ambrosia and anyone who takes a week beating a game is way too connected to the outside world. I learned Kung Fu and explored other planets. I met sexy women online who later turned out to be fat guys who don’t bathe, and that wasn’t nearly as weird as I would have thought it was. But the more time I spend in this mystical plane, the more I long for that elusive trophy animal… a game that doesn’t suck!
I felt a calling to share my observations with the world. I’m hoping that one of these game makers will catch a glimpse of what they’re doing wrong and pull their heads out of whomever’s approving their work’s ass. It begins here…
The first thing I want to do is lay down the law on this: NO MORE GOLF VIDEO GAMES!!! Golf is the world’s most boring event. Now they want to take away the only part of it that’s active (walking from hole to hole) and leave it in the hands of a guy who eats Cheetos three meals a day. I rented every golf game there is and by the third I had fallen asleep with my eyes open and started drooling on myself!
If you’re gonna make a game, god-dammit, make something worth staying conscious for! I want to play a game where I’m supposed to hunt down Osama Bin Laden, and when I find him in the basement of CIA headquarters it turns out he’s a hot, naked chic with Pamela Anderson‘s tits and Kim Kardashian‘s ass. But then it turns out he/she is a ninja who keeps hitting you with their Shakira hip-shake attack and the only way to kill it is to blow Virginia off the map from an orbiting weapons platform. Then Charlie Sheen comes through a secret portal with a bunch of porn stars and throws you a victory party where we all drive cars off a cliff while AC/DC plays the soundtrack LIVE! Then after the game credits George W. Bush comes out and apologizes. He doesn’t say why, but we all know. We ALL know!
A real game should grab you by the balls and twist! So that’s two joysticks down for every golf game ever made. And if you like golf, I respect your differing opinion, but I’m still going to tell everyone you know what a flaming douche-bag you are. And when you come to me privately and politely ask “Hey, why did you tell all my friends that I’m a flaming douche-bag?” I’m gonna grab you by the balls and twist, and I’m gonna say “Cause you’ve never had THIS happen before!” Then I’m gonna tell everyone you only have one testicle and I’m raising money to buy you a new one. Then I’m gonna use that money to buy an old copy of Elevator Action, because THAT was a real game.
Until next time…