Morning Sex and Spring Break Cheating

Dear Coconut:
My boyfriend is an architect, I am an insurance claims adjuster (sexy, yes I know). The problem is, whenever we go out, it’s always with a bunch of HIS friends from work. And all they do is talk about work. I find it hard for me to join in any conversation, and it’s getting to the point I dread hanging out with these people. It’s getting to be a stress on our relationship. What can I do?

Yes, this sort of thing is rather common. Of course, whenever work friends go out, more often that not, they tend to talk shop. It’s not to be exclusionary, but it’s just the way it goes. I am sure they discuss themes that are common to any after hours meeting at a bar; the boss is a jerk, the company doesn’t know what it’s doing, the clients are clueless. So maybe you can relate to those themes with your claims adjusting? Also, seek out to see if anyone else is bringing their significant other. I am sure they are feeling the same way you are. Can you bond with them over how big of tools architects are? Like it’s really that hard to square a room or make sure wheelchairs can fit through doorways?

"High five, guys!"

Be sure you bring this issue up to him (just not in front of his architect buddies, though) and tell him how it would be nice if the two of you could hang out with your friends (unless they happen to be architects, because then you’d be pretty screwed.)

Hey Coconut:
My GF just got all her hair chopped off. How do I tell her that it doesn’t make her look more attractive? At all.

Ugh, I feel you. While I certainly reside in the camp that says “a woman’s body is her own” (it’s located in rural Wyoming), this is not a good sign. Here’s my question to you; how old is she? I ask because the lopping off of hair is a sure sign she is getting older and has, in fact, thrown in the towel on any semblance of being young and attractive. Next thing you know, she’s running around in mom jeans and singing Train songs. Long hair=sexiness=youth. Need me to back that up? Quick, name one porn star with short hair. Ding, time’s up. That was a trick question, because there are no hot porn stars with short hair. No, porn stars are all hot young things with gorgeous heads of hair. Long, flowing, feathery hair. It’s innate: back in the cave days, the women with the longest hair attracted the most virile of cavemen. That, and they were loose and knew how to give a good time. And you see what girls with that kind of hair do? Girls with short hair won’t do those types of things. It’s a fact of women aging; they hit a certain point, cut all their hair and suddenly become 50 wearing prosthetic shoes and bifocals. Sounds ta me like your GF is throwing in the towel. You need to hop to. What does she think of the new ‘do? If she likes it, you’re kinda screwed. If she doesn’t like it, she is probably feeling a bit insecure. If there is one place a guy can insert his will, it’s when a girl is insecure! Point out all her sexy qualities.

Bonus advice; girls, if you are looking to increase your attractiveness, grow your hair. If that doesn’t work, use it to cover your fugly face.

Hey Coconut, Spring break next week. Legal to cheat?

What the fuck do I care? Fuck whoever you want, but use protection. Just don’t think you won’t get caught. Expect your phone to be raided for pictures, videos, call logs, texts. Your FB page will be scrutinized for any new adds. You think she’s going to be faithful too? Karma can be a bitch. By the way, at the mansion, what you call “spring break” we call “Wednesday afternoon.” Have fun getting the herp.

Dear Coconut: Sex at night vs. sex in the morning. Thoughts?

Nothing makes an 8 a 6 quicker than the harsh reality of the morning sun. At night, sex can be the payoff of a wonderfully romantic date. Darkness can be your friend. Plus, you are more likely to be a bit more social and morals are more likely to be lowered. “You want to put it WHERE? Well….OK..”

In the AM, you are far more likely to already be disgusting. It’s quicker to get out than get off. In the morning, the bed smells like the remnants of last night’s drink specials and baked skin. In the morning, hairs all over the place, she’s stolen all the covers and a freaking cat appeared out of nowhere. I’d rather make out with a mouth that remotely tastes like a cosmo than a nightful of dragon breath.

What do I prefer? I think the possibility of sex at the end of the night is much more appealing than the morning after. I mean, we need some sort of light at the end of the tunnel if we’re paying for dinner and a shitty romantic comedy. I think the only reason Katherine Heigl movies make any money at all is because guys take their dates to them in hopes of getting laid later on. (and don’t think girls’ don’t know this, those sneaky bitches) The promise of some tail can get just about any guy through a night of utter horseshit.

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