My Mad Men Inspired Prosti-Talk… with Mumsy Arabella!!

That’s Right – The Arabella Matriarch Makes her Grand Donnybrook Debut – Gird Your Loins!

After this week’s Mad Men, where my lovely Joan gets put in a compromising position and makes a morally questionable choice for the sake of financial security for her and her infant son, I started thinking about what I’d do in that situation – how would I go about reaching that decision? And once I made it, how would I approach the issue later with my children? Would I admit what I’d done or take it to the grave?

I started to mull this over until Dirk, my best gay, gently reminded me with a soft bitch slap to the face that I’m allergic to children. I abhor the thought of procreation, as it would eat up so much valuable hanging out and smoking pot time. Although being pregnant and having the munchies seems like a match made in heaven, I’ve always said the best thing I could ever do for my unborn children is to never actually birth them in the first place.

So I decided to go to the source of all things responsible parenting, my one and only Mumsy. Here she is, Dirk and I have made her several martinis, fluffed numerous pillows (okay we made Consuela fluff the pillows, but that still counts), and now my glorious matriarch is ready to make her Donny-debut.

I started the discussion off by explaining the situation, as she doesn’t watch Mad Men (the nerve!). Just so we’re all on the same page, here’s what I told my lovely Mumsy:

It’s 1966, and a woman’s kind of abusive husband has just filed for divorce. She has a fairly secure, good job in a managerial position, but lives in an apartment with her mother who helps care for her infant son. Her office has the opportunity to land a very lucrative client, whose only stipulation for his approval is the chance to sleep with her. The company’s partners come to her w/ the offer and give her the ultimate decision of whether to accept or decline. They initially offer her $50k to do it. She considers, and then counter-offers with a 5% share in the company as a whole, making her a full partner and potentially setting her and her son up for life. The partners agree, the deal is made, and they get the account.

AA: Given Joan’s circumstances, would you fault her for making the choice she did? Why or why not?

Mumsy: No, I would not fault her. A mother does what she has to do for her child and there should be no shame in that.  I am very happy that she was smart and looked at securing her future. In that day and age that is a lot of money. The lure of financial security for your child is powerful.  However, I would secure my position with a written stipulation that there be a clause in the contract that would prohibit anyone talking about it, because if the ex got wind of it he could take the kid from her.  As [Joan is] a prior abused woman, this would be a way to be in control in the bedroom. Then I could think that I literally slept my way to the top.

Ha, gross! Although accurate. So it’s a badge of honor – what she did is something to be proud of? For the record, I’m not making any judgments – if I were in her position I’d do it too – opportunities for women back then were hard to come by, so I totally get it, but do you think the fact that her ex assaulted her would then equate to her feeling more empowered after getting paid to sleep with the other guy?

In my opinion, what she did is simply the cost of doing business, not anything to be proud of or be ashamed of.  I’m not sure if it would empower her, more like it would make her feel that she was more in control of her sex life.

[Yes, my mother just said sex is the cost of doing business. She’s married to a philandering steel magnate who spends 10 months of every year overseas as she boinks pool boys in the lap of luxury – my mother knows her shit.]

So Mom, do you think she should ever tell her son what she did to secure their future? It’s kind of a weird birds and bees conversation!

I would never tell anyone. To enter into a situation like that, you’d have to go into it as what it should be, a business proposition.  And anytime my guilt would kick in, I would just look around my big office, think about my big bank account, and smile.

Oh lord. Okay, Joan’s a single-mom in the late 60’s, women’s rights have come a long way since then – do you think women today have the same problems to worry about? With being a divorcée not quite the scandal it used to be, would the offer still carry as much weight?

[She takes a long drag off her Capri and kills her martini, and I can’t help but think about Joan Crawford in Mildred Pierce, which is appropriate on about a million Freudian levels.]

Yes, I do believe it still happens. I doubt if the payoff would be as good. And yes, I would still do it in this day and age.

And that’s when I threatened to turn her into the authorities.

About the Author

Alistair Blake Arabella

“Alistair Blake Arabella” is the brainchild of entertainment writer and managing editor Vanessa “2 Fingers” Berben . If you’re missing the latest refill of your Dexedrine prescription, there’s a good a chance Alistair’s in your bathroom and has already crushed it up and snorted it. Now be a good little kitten and fetch her drink. If you’d like to receive the hallowed word of Alistair drop a line to AskAlistair@gmail.com – you just may be in the next episode of “Ask Alistar” if you’re very, very lucky.

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2 Comments on "My Mad Men Inspired Prosti-Talk… with Mumsy Arabella!!"

  1. Mark in Omaha May 31, 2012 at 4:05 pm · Reply

    I love your Mom. Great honest answers. I don’t fault Joan for sleeping with the guy, and she has probably slept with worse for no money at all.

    Today, would women sleep with a man to get ahead? Of course they would. Proof, Kobe’s ex-wife AND the woman who accused him of rape but took the settlement. All the silicon Wives of whatever shows, the Hilton sisters, the Kardashian sisters, Lindsey Lohan. Just about anyone married to a pro athlete.

    Man is at a Hollywood party, is talking to some wannabe starlet. Asks her if she would sleep with him for a million dollars, she says of course. Then he asks her is she would sleep with him for $200, she gets huffy and asks him “what kind of girl do you think I am”? He says, “we already determined that my dear, we are just negotiating a price”.

    • Alistair Blake Arabella
      Alistair Blake Arabella June 1, 2012 at 6:57 am · Reply

      I love her too, she’s hilarious and classy, just like her daughter.

      I’m not angry Joan did it, I think she felt it was her best option at securing wealth and she did what she felt she had to do. I’m interested to see if there are any repercussions, or if the other partners expect her to just sit around and be silent and not have a say in what happens – she’s got some pretty brutal business sense going for her – I think she’ll make a fantastic addition to SCDP…H?

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