My Near-Interview with Blag Dahlia of The Dwarves
At the end of this brief interview is a pretend playlist from a vinyl party that never happened. If you play these songs, you will be playing the same songs Blag Dahlia might have played for us in his San Francisco apartment in the wee hours of Sunday, February 9, 2008.
This is totally a picture of me with Blag Dahlia. If you claim to like punk rock and don’t own a copy of The Dwarves’ Blood, Guts and Pussy — one of the most raucous distillations of pure evil ever put to record — then you simply have no idea what you’re doing. They have other records too. Anyway, I was supposed to have interviewed Mr. Dahlia the night this photograph was taken, but it just didn’t work out that way.
BD: No, it didn’t. You were too busy auditioning for Dancing With the Stars and trying to mack drunk harlots.
CHB: Please let me explain. I have to rewind a few stops before we met you. It’s the closest thing to a defense I have. Jennifer (my sister) and I started out at Bacar. Their cocktail menu features a drink called “Gun Shy”: Bulleit Bourbon, blueberry jam and lemon juice. I mean, come on. Who’s not going to tour that drink menu?
BD: As fascinated as I am by high-priced drinks and the alcoholism of my friends, I’m more interested in that introduction above. Blood, Guts and Pussy is in fact a punk rock classic made on a shoestring by an independent band with no producer and really no help whatsoever. And yes, the cover is the great album cover of the era. But it’s clear, Colonel, that you haven’t listened to anything we’ve done since 1990 and that’s a shame.
A shame because The Dwarves have evolved and improved instead of getting worse over time. I don’t blame you for your ignorance; it’s a common misperception of rock journalists who, like autistic three-year-olds, are fascinated by the newest shiny object dangled in front of their faces and refuse to revise their initial opinion of a band they have already been exposed to, whether they like that band or not. The fact is, The Dwarves aren’t just masters of punk rock, but also pop, garage, surf, noise, experimental, turntable and even (don’t laugh) hip hop. The proof is in the pudding, but you’ve got to hear the records to get it, son! And since they all have naked girls on them you’ll have something to look at while you do it.
As for your sister, I hope you won’t mind me saying, she’s fucking hot!
CHB: You don’t have to tiptoe around it: I already know you slept with my sister before. It’s cool. What vexed me was all her cute friends vanishing at once.
One minute it’s this:
Then it’s this:
We’re all out on the street, and everybody’s gone. Whoosh. Jennifer and Karen vanish to get donuts and the rest of the girls are suddenly waving from the back of a cab. After all that stimulation, suddenly the vinyl party at your place with just you and I didn’t sound like so much fun. You must have agreed, because you were in the next cab out. It would have been a great interview, though.
BD: What would have been even greater would have been a three-way between your sister and me and her friend with the enormous tits. The sex part would have been groovy, but imagine a full half hour with neither of them talking except to say “Yes, Master.” As it was, I went home, threw on an old Ohio Express record and had phone sex with a fetish model from Vegas.
CHB: Does my sister have the AIDS?
CHB: Mr. Dahlia?
Blag Dahlia’s Abortive After-Hours Playlist
“As High As Wu-Tang Get” Wu-Tang Clan
“We Had Love” Scientists
“King of the Surf” Trashmen
“ABC” The Jackson 5
“Tight Pants” Iggy and the Stooges
“I Love You More” Eminem
“Do You Believe in Magic” Lovin’ Spoonful
“Memories of You” Eubie Blake
“Can I Change My Mind” Tyrone Davis
“Do You Wanna Touch Me” Joan Jett and the Blackhearts
“Chewy Chewy” Ohio Express
“A Laugh For Rory” Roland Kirk
“Testify” Little Johnny Something or Other
“Are You Ready For It” Holograms
“No Chorus” Dr Dooom (Kool Keith)
“Last Time Around” Del-Vettes
“Friday Night” Lily Allen
“Bermuda” Roky Erickson
“I Love Music” O’Jays
“Bleed On” The Dwarves
“Kickin’ the Gong Around” Cab Calloway
“Saturday Night Special” Lynyrd Skynyrd
“Sweet and Innocent” Donny Osmond
“There’s a Great Change Since I Been Born” Rev. Gary Davis
“That’s Rock N Roll” Eric Carmen
“My First My Last My Everything” Barry White