New Year’s Day: Survival Guide for the Gentry
Your handy guide to the aftermath of NYE
Hopefully it has dawned on you that the New Year’s Day of our cruel lord two-thousand and thirteen has arrived. If you were wise, you awoke on the floor of a strange hotel room sans any sort of clothing save a glittering party hat set at a jaunty angle. Perhaps—if you lack any sort of inventiveness—it is even on your head.
Capital start! Now, the trick is to get through the day. Here are the steps to follow:
Identify Where you Are
If your New Year’s Day began in the same way mine have on many occasions, you can either call the hotel front desk, or simply bang your cup on the bars and make an inquiry with whichever jailer answers you.
Either way, as a member of elite society it is your job to insert the phrase “Do you know who I am?” if met with any insubordination. Scoffing, eye rolling, battery with a blunt instrument, or use of colloquial language constitutes insubordination. Take down the names of anyone you interact with for later chastisement.
If you are at home, one of the help should have already brought you your robe, slippers, a hot toddy to ease your aching head, and a hot Todd or Tanya to warm your bed. If they have not, then your New Year’s Day will involve hunting them for sport.
The key to facing New Year’s Day is to do so with sufficient energy. Begin with a hearty meal. Corned-beef hash, toast, and a Bloody Mary with two raw eggs are recommended. A strong pot of Turkish coffee or an Earl Grey IV drip might also be added for those of weak constitution.
If you find yourself in one of the more dilapidated parts of the city, it is advisable to procure some crystal meth to gird yourself for the rest of the day. Inquire at the nearest Denny’s. They will know where the illicit substance is to be had and often can bring it directly to your table. Be advised: under no circumstances is it wise to actually eat any of the food at Denny’s, lest your New Year’s Day end on the business end of a stomach pump.
This step is location-dependent. At home, you should have a preparatory cocktail of vitamin B, quintuple distilled vodka, mentholated cigarettes, and Valium or Desoxyn for just such an occasion. Wrap yourself in a robe and enjoy a little “me time” watching some of your favorite homemade pornography.
If you are, as they say, procul ab domo, then you shall need clothes, booze, food, and transportation.
Most of these are easily appropriated through the exchange of money. If you find yourself without legal tender, then you will first need a weapon. Blunt instruments are recommended for this task. A piece of masonry placed into a sock is my personal favorite.
I will leave the methodology of the subsequent steps to your own personal tastes and savoir faire.
Wait it Out
By now you should have all the money you need to either rent a luxury suite or have found a way to return to your own domicile. Congratulations. You should now cover your head with a blanket and if there is any just force in the universe, you shall either perish or awaken upon the morn of a newly dawned 2014.