Hot and Not at This Year’s Oscars
Just when you thought it could be reported no more
[Ed Note: This article was found recently, buried deep in the email of a now-very-embarrassed editor. He has been charged the customary Donnybrook fine of $50 Million, a modest fee which will cause him to skip his nightly Bugatti bonfire. Since it appears Rand Paul won't be filibustering us deep into the night again any time soon, this still qualifies as Grade A reporting. And good fashion writing never goes out of style.]
The other night I watched the Oscars with my nerdy, science-loving geologist father. Needless to say, this was a far cry from the customary wine drinking and Vogue-mag-flipping frivolity that I usually partake in with my girlfriends. While my father only cared about Daniel Day Lewis’s nomination for his role as Honest Abe, I was checking out the tuxes and the couture dresses.
I had only just turned on the TV when I saw Halle Berry in that silver and black Versace gown, and I thought: I see shoulder pads… good start. I cannot think of too many people who could pull off shoulder pads in 2013 and still look mad hot. With the Versace number, it’s all because of the seriously sexy neckline that plunges down to the belly button. Yet somehow she pulls it off nicely without looking like a total tramp. Nicely done, Miss Berry.
I saw a recap of Brandi Glanville on the red carpet, who designed her own boobie-poppin’. You might ask, “Who is Brandi Glanville?” You won’t know much about her because she is a fame whore who acted a fool on the second season of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (who can keep these shows straight anymore?). She’s a trashy person who wore a trashy dress to a classy event. That’s all you need to know. Here she is with her boobies all-a-popping on the red carpet. She opted out of the couture route, probably due to the fact that no self-respecting serious designer would loan out a dress for her (I say loan, because designers will oftentimes lend out their couture gowns to the stylists of A-List celebrities). But let’s move on—Brandi isn’t the focus here.
With Miss Brandi out of the way, let’s turn our attention to Reece Witherspoon and Zoe Saldana, who both killed like Jack the Ripper. Both Reece and Zoe tied, in my opinion, for Best Dress. (Witherspoon apparently made it onto the worst-dressed list which, to me, seems…excessive). Though I am not the biggest Witherspoon fan, her black and cobalt Louis Vuitton combined with her 20’s era starlet locks looked incredible.
And now for the red carpet’s crowned jewel: Zoe Saldana. Her dress by Alexis Mabille was an unconventional choice—the sweeping hem exposed several different colors at the bottom while the midsection featured a belt. Besides the belt, the dress was one of the best I’ve ever seen. The white lace up top wasn’t too much, and allowed the dress to still have clean lines.
I hand-selected these dresses to feature on Donnybrook because I thought everybody else’s gowns looked the same. It seemed as if all the starlets were all wearing metallics, which, I must agree is hot right now, but were totally overdone this year at the Oscars.
So there. I put my two cents in the pot on Oscar Night! Instead of watching Joan Rivers and Kelly Osbourne on Fashion Police, just read my sage advice on “Britches Ain’t Shit!”