Payback’s a Bitch, and so is Alistair
If you Ask Alistair, Revenge is a dish best served SEARING HOT
For the past month now I’ve been deluded with queefs of dissent regarding my departure from telling people what to do and instead informing people about celebrities and my own personal female role models (Tura Satana + Alistair 4everrrrrrr) – so forgive me, my dear little readers – I won’t make the same mistake again this month. Well, I don’t make mistakes, period, I do occasionally miscalculate things which usually results in the firing of one of the anonymous members of the domestic staff but by no means would I call that a “mistake” in fact, I shudder at the mere thought of such a filthy word.
I’ve had thousands of fans (okay, hundreds… okay, tens… okay, just me) clamoring for more of my opinion, and I can’t say I blame them. “Tell us what to doooo, Alistair!!” they say (and by ‘they’ I mean the help, but whatever, same diff) – and of course I gladly oblige. This month, let’s discuss the fine art of REVENGE. Enjoy, and you’re welcome…Dear Alistair, My teacher is a huge asshole who seems to hate children, especially me. He is always giving me failing grades even though I do more work than any of his other dumbass students. What is the best way to get back at him for this abuse? Frustrated in Franconia
I wanted to highlight this letter from an obviously brilliant person (they asked me for help, which is proof of genius-ness) because I want to discuss the safest forms of payback that will get you in the least amount of trouble. I believe there are two different kinds of revenge: there’s the full on, balls out, “I don’t give a fuck who knows, I’m ‘bout to bring your WORLD DOWN” revenge, which I recommend for poor people who have little or nothing to lose and the idea of years in prison is a step-up from whatever their current predicament may be. Then there’s the much safer, somewhat less satisfying but far harder to prosecute mode of passive aggressive payback that I recommend the rest of us with things like “goals” and “bank accounts” resort to when we need to see someone get their come uppance but can’t risk having anyone finding out and pressing charges.
Passive aggressive revenge is the best alternative of vengeance if you need to be kept out of the eye of the law while still allowing you a sense of satisfaction at seeing your mark get theirs. A quick and dirty payback can most easily be done with some form of minor property damage or fuckery, as it ensures that in some way you’ve managed to either seriously fuck someone’s life up by damaging their prized shit, or seriously inconvenienced someone until they can replace said item.
Don’t get me wrong – a good well-placed rumor hushed to the right person that results in your mark’s firing, outing, or any other form of complete and total humiliation is also a great way to make karma run a little faster on its course (a molestation case against your teacher could be in order, but if you were ever grilled on the stand you’d need to be certain you could say straight faced that said teacher touched you in your no-no spot – bonus points for tears of shame).
But again, the key here is not to get caught – and the key to not getting caught is to never involve another person in your revenge plot. Ever. This is non-negotiable if you wish to continue to attend Alistair’s School of Total Retribution with Minimum Personal Consequences. There are simply too many ways that a well thought out plan can go totally wrong when you introduce an accomplice into it. I always maintain that revenge should be delivered solo – with no witnesses who could possibly rat you out later. A whispered piece of gossip may indeed snowball into the desired effect of humiliating your mark, but if said mark should ever decide to dig around and find out who started the whole mess you’re totally fucked as they could easily find out that it was you who started the whole “He fucks goats in the back of his shed” thing. This is why I recommend for a little satisfaction go with some minor property damage.
In addition to property damage, wouldn’t it be even better if you could get someone back for an insult without them even knowing they were being paid back for it? This is where my tried and true “Ass Handles” method comes into play. This works best when you work and interact closely with your mark and have access to their personal items on a daily basis. Basically, put whatever small items your mark uses on the regular straight up your ass. A favorite pen perhaps? Even more points if you can find the special monogrammed pen given to them for Christmas emblazoned with the words “World’s Best Dad” (or Mom) on it. The tricky part with this is that you can’t use lube as you’ll then have to wash that off so they don’t figure out what you did and that totally defeats the “You’re holding something that’s been saturated in my asshole” purpose of shoving their stuff up your ass in the first place.
This method works even better if you have access to your marks personal hygiene products – so this is perfect for a hated roommate or a girlfriend or boyfriend of said roommate that’s decided they want to try and take up permanent residence in your place and then dictate their own décor choices. When this occurs – wait until they go out and then dive into the bathroom. Look for their toothbrush (if you can’t find their toothbrush just grab every one that’s not yours – sooner or later someone in that house you share is going to piss you off, might as well have your revenge in place already!), and if you can, their razor – shove those handles up your ass (let me stress – handles – no one wants bristles or slices up their anal cavity, unless that’s your thing…) – hopefully after you’ve just got back from a good long run. And as you’re sitting there squatting over the tiles with small handles in your sweaty ass, think of how funny it’s going to be when they get back that night and brush their teeth while gripping your ass sweat. It’s a feeling of triumph that can’t really be duplicated.
If however, like in the case of my reader, you don’t have access to their personal hygiene products, then kick it up a notch – for you, dear Frustrated, I say you go with the never fail “Auto-Stank Bomb”. What’s an Auto-Stank Bomb? I’d be happy to tell you! First, and this is key – you have to find out what car your mark drives. And where said car is parked in the middle of the night. This isn’t that hard to do – follow your teacher out to his car one day after school and get the license plate – then look said plate up in the DMV – or even better, follow your teacher home – then you’ll feel more like a movie star out of a noir film!
Once you know the car and where it’s parked, find the largest, most lockable Tupperware you can find that your parents won’t miss. Or go and buy your own. A bigger Tupperware to hold the smaller one may be in order as well, just to ensure the odor permeation doesn’t blow your spot up too soon. Now – for the next week or so, depending on how often you can make “deposits”, use your Tupperware for all waste elimination. Not trash. I’m talking about your piss and your shit. Extra points for vomit if that’s your thing, I don’t judge… the rich. That Tupperware is now your bathroom – use it as such. Eat tons of corn, or asparagus, whatever you want to do – but load that thing up with some of the nastiest shit you can um… come up with (down with? whatever). Take it to parties! Have your guests make a group deposit!
Now that you’ve got a nice full batch of Stank Bomb, here’s where the Auto part comes in – wait until about 3 or 4am – there’s something about that magical hour where there’s just little to no witnesses – 2am, you run the risk of bumping into drunks coming home from the bar, 5 am, you run the risk of being seen by losers that have to wake up early for work. So – set your alarm, get up at 3am, make your way to your mark’s house, where their car should be parked.
The beauty of the Auto-Stank Bomb is that it requires no breaking and entering of any kind. Creep up to the car, slowly open your bomb (very slowly – because if any of that spills on you you’re fucked) now pour the contents of your Bomb into the vents located just underneath the windshield wipers. Get the fuck out of there – tossing the now empty but still incredibly smelly Tupperware somewhere near a dumpster or on the side of a random road where anyone passing by will just assume it belonged to a homeless person.
This is an incredibly useful revenge tactic for the upcoming fall and winter months – the odor will be there when they approach their car but will easily be chalked up to a meandering skunk or nearby roadkill, but the next time your teacher gets a bit of the chilly willys and decides to blast the heat – they’re going to get a face full of Stank Ass – and like your swelling pride for a successfully completed mission, that’s a smell that never goes away.
Alistair’s on Twitter! Check out @Ask_Alistair for your daily dose of drug-addled snobbery!