Prepare for Epic Douche-Bagginess in 3… 2… 1…

Whatever sympathy I had for Peter Campbell – I can let it go now.

Jaguar’s the big grab this week and all hands are on deck coming up with a successful pitch. Peggy’s handling all other accounts while Don heads the Jaguar team, and she’s doing a pretty good job of it too – the Chevalier cologne people call up and try to drop them and she totally swoops in and saves the whole account – sister’s doing it for herself! When the guys brag to Don about how awesome Peggy is he still tries to give the credit to fucking Ginsburg and when she gets upset Don goes all raggy on her, throwing bills at her and shit.

But Peggy isn’t the only girl raging against the penis-machine: Megan’s got her own revolution to fight at home against Don. He comes home and she’s going over scripts for an audition. He tries to get her help with Jag – and she tells him she doesn’t like his idea that Jag is the mistress and the reliable car is like the “Buick Wife”. He shrugs it off then, but later he’ll totally tell the Jag team to scrap the mistress idea. She ends up doing well in her audition and getting a callback, which sparks an argument with Don because she flippantly tells him if she gets the part she’ll be in Boston for three months for rehearsals, which of course pisses him off. They’re squarsies by the end though – she didn’t do so well at her callback, but tells him she really needs his support, which he says she has – he doesn’t want to get in the way of her dreams – they hug and makeup and all is right in the Draper-Household in the end… for now… you never know with these two.

To grease the Jag-wheels Ken and Campbell take Herb Rennet, head of the dealer’s association at Jaguar, out to dinner. He’s a total skankatron and tells them if they really want to seal the deal with Jag they’ll give him Joan! The next morning Campbell continues to fight for the award of Biggest Piece of Shit You’re Going to See on TV all Week (especially now that Celebrity Apprentice is over): First he approaches Joan and tries to trick her into sleeping with Herb, implying that if she doesn’t do it for the sake of the company then she’s failing the entire staff by “making” them lose the account. Seriously, whatever sympathy I may have had for Campbell from a few weeks ago when I thought he was getting the sads and might be the one to off himself he’s totally blown it. You know what though, I’m not even surprised. Campbell’s always struck me as one roofie-laced-drink away from being a rapist, so trying to force a woman you’ve known for years to unwillingly prostitute herself isn’t that far of a stretch either.

Campbell then manipulates a meeting with the partners, informing them of Rennet’s request but implying that Joan would be amenable to the idea. Now here’s where it gets tricky – Campbell asks Lane to go to the bank and extend their line of credit by $50k – which is EXACTLY what Lane did last week to get the fake bonuses to pay off his tax debt in Britain. So in an attempt to both be a friend and save his own ass, Lane goes to Joan and suggests that instead of accepting the one time payout she should demand a partnership in SCDP instead.

Later that night at Campbell’s house he’s pouting and listening to his headphones when Trudy comes in and they argue. If they land Jaguar he’s decided to get an apartment in the city. She nixes that and he starts in about how long it takes him to get home, how she’s already dressed for bed at dinner (he’s mentioned this like a million times – what the hell’s his problem with a woman who stays home all day watching his hellspawn troll-baby before cooking him dinner deciding she wants to do it in comfort? Is she supposed to do all that, then run into her room and get into her evening gown as she waits with bated breath for her pasty-faced pseudo-rapist husband to come home?)  – Anyway, she wants to raise (more) troll-kids in the ‘burbs, he wants to be back in the city – argument: summed.

The next morning at work Ginsburg approaches Don with a Jaguar idea – he still wants to pitch the other woman / mistress angle, but it’s not about “old wife” vs. “new mistress” it’s about the desire to always want what you can’t have and to always want more. The Jag itself is like the other woman – fast, beautiful, and a little impractical – “Jaguar: At last, something beautiful you can truly own.” Don has a flash of acknowledgement at how true that is, and Ginsburg’s (ugh) saved the day.

A really nice sequence follows that was amazing to watch, which I’ll try to explain here: It’s nighttime, and Campbell rubs it in Don’s face that they’ve secured Jaguar by way of Joan – Don gets angry and rushes to her apartment to tell her Jaguar’s not worth it – she’s relieved, since she was told (by Campbell) that everyone had agreed she should do it – she says thank you, vague about whether she’s going to still go through with it…

We then jump to the morning of the pitch. Spliced into Don’s kick-ass speech we see Joan arrive at Herb’s room. He’s polite and complimentary, albeit a little creepy; but he never forces himself on her, which I think made it easier to get it over with – afterward they’re lying in bed and he thanks her for a wonderful time before she slips out.

Back at home she takes off the necklace he gave her and gets ready for a post-icky-sex-shower when her mother says that Don is here to see her – you’re sitting there thinking, funny that he’s come two days in a row now – but in fact, the Joan part of the story was told out of sequence – what you saw while Don was pitching actually occurred the night before – by the time he arrived to try and talk her out of it she’d already done it!

So when Don goes waltzing through the office after the meeting in a victory lap – he has no idea that Joan actually boinked that fat skeez before he’d even made the pitch. Now everyone’s frantic about Jag – they get the call and Don looks perplexed to see Campbell usher Joan into the partner’s meeting. They got the job, and champagne is breaking out all around and Don’s pissed because he’s realizing Joan fucked that dude and he didn’t get the account because of his creativity.

For some reason Peggy’s decided now’s the time to tell Don her big news – after the whole throwing money at her thing, Peggy met up with her old friend Freddy Rumsen who encouraged her to meet a few execs to weigh her career options. Cutler, Gleason & Shaw LOVED her – they offered her the position of Copy Chief for $19k a year. She thanks Don for being her mentor, but she’s taking their offer.

“Okay. Let’s pretend I’m not responsible for every good thing that’s happened to you.” Ha! He tells her to make an offer – he’ll beat it. She says no and tries to shake his hand, but he kisses it instead, holding on. Peggy starts crying – okay I was crying too – and chokingly tells him not to be a stranger. She collects a few things then goes to the elevator and gives a smirk – its deuces for Peggy as the opening riffs of “Girl You Really Got Me” kicks in. I think the next time I fuck someone over of the male persuasion – I’m going to play that song as I flounce away with a hair toss.

About the Author

Alistair Blake Arabella

“Alistair Blake Arabella” is the brainchild of entertainment writer and managing editor Vanessa “2 Fingers” Berben . If you’re missing the latest refill of your Dexedrine prescription, there’s a good a chance Alistair’s in your bathroom and has already crushed it up and snorted it. Now be a good little kitten and fetch her drink. If you’d like to receive the hallowed word of Alistair drop a line to AskAlistair@gmail.com – you just may be in the next episode of “Ask Alistar” if you’re very, very lucky.

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2 Comments on "Prepare for Epic Douche-Bagginess in 3… 2… 1…"

  1. Mark in Omaha May 31, 2012 at 10:56 am · Reply

    I read this and the last two. Thanks for the catch-up. I was wondering what the thing about the bonuses was all about. Peggy leaves? Can’t be. They will have to find a way to bring her back. Also didn’t realize Joan had divorce papers served, not surprised since she threw Greg out and said don’t come back. Didn’t think she would go through with sleeping with the Jag dealership guy. Other than that, I have no insights.

    Watched all three days of Hatfields and McCoys on History Channel. It was good, thinking they should have spread it out over three weeks instead of three days.

    Someone showed me a You-Tube trailer for Revolution, new show coming to ABC (I think) this fall, J J Abrahms and a post apocolyptic future with no electricity. Nice premise, also has Giancarlo Esposito (from Breaking Bad) as a bad guy, and a Catniss wannabe with a crossbow. Never was a fan of Lost, and I’ve already shot five holes in their premise just by watching the trailer.

    Thanks for the e-mail. No resolution on that front yet, never found time to write out what I wanted to. Still recommend A Super Sad True Love Story for anyone looking to read a good book.

    • Alistair Blake Arabella
      Alistair Blake Arabella June 1, 2012 at 6:47 am · Reply

      I’ll have to check that out – I’ve been on a weird nonfiction kick lately – just finished Krakauer’s Where Men Win Glory and I really want to pick up Dan Rather’s new memoir. A good love story would be a nice change of pace!
      I had a feeling Joan would go through it – she’s been worried about how she’s going to make it as a single mom and scared she won’t find love again – she threw Greg out but I don’t think she expected him to divorce her, although as Don said the other week, it really is a blessing in disguise.
      I was more skeezed out by Campbell this week than anything else – so gross. What’s with his sweaty, pasty, nasty face lately? Ick.

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