Promethe-Sucks

Miss Priscilla Ventured Out to Revel with the Movie-Going Masses – Was it Worth It?

Warning: You are approaching planet Spoileranus

I hate science fiction/fantasy movies. I also hate going to the movies. I decided to forgo my loathing of nerdy shit (talking to you here, Reginald) and overpriced Whoppers in order to see Prometheus.

I heard it might be a prequel to Alien, which is the only sci-fi movie I am able to tolerate because A. The alien chest-bursting scene is awesome; and B. The mere idea of the movie scared me shitless in 1979. So even though I tried not to have expectations of Ridley Scott’s new supposed “masterpiece,” I so wanted it to be a prequel. And it took one hundred and twenty-three minutes of head-scratching, anticipation-turned-boredom, to learn that it was.

I really don’t know what Ridley Scott was smoking during the creation of this mess, but he should change his caregiver. Prometheus is a mishmash of fantasy, sci-fi, religion, and history, and it fails to deliver any answers. There are visually-stunning scenes of whatever planet they are supposed to be on, but so what? The characters were meaningless and undeveloped, and they seem to have no real purpose in the confusing plot. I couldn’t have given two shits about any of them.

Well, except for maybe this guy. Yum.

Charlize Theron was an expressionless, cold bitch.

Great acting skills.

And this guy? All I could think of was old Biff from one of the Back to the Future movies.

My mission? To look for signs of Alien.

 Oooh look, the robot dude likes milk too, just like Bishop!

And they’re all wearing similar weird white bandage-type underwear!

I had heard that there was a “brutal” scene that was similar to the original alien-birth-from-chest scene. Hell yeah! Over an hour into the movie, the words “emergency Caesarean procedure” finally woke me up enough to want to see some gore.

I was thoroughly disappointed to learn that not only is the scene very tame and lame, it’s supposedly chock full of religious undertones. And so is the entire movie. Ugh.

I’m not even going to touch any of the Christian themes. I wasn’t looking for some kind of religious experience involving our makers, or to ponder the idea of whether or not Jesus Christ was an alien. Obviously, this is what Scott intended to do, right? Wait, why am I here? In this movie theater, I mean.

What made Alien so thrilling and ahead of its time is its simplicity. It seems Scott was too concerned with weaving an intricate religious and historical plot that he lost touch with his Oscar-winning classic original. My only salvation in this whole Prometheus mess was that very last minute when, just as I had hoped, everyone’s favorite double-mouthed, K-Y jelly-drenched Alien beauty was born:

I breathed a sigh of relief.

And then I was confused all over again.