Promising Employers: The University of Miami

EGADS! So rarely does the business of the plebian’s sporting world mix with the business end of our high profiteering amphitheaters of awe-inspired economic might and brawn that when the two are so fortunately mixed, I simply must scribe about them to you, and post haste! The University of Miami Hurricane’s football team has been an exemplary example of proficiency in getting ahead by any means necessary, up to and including purchasing one’s employees illicit stimulants, whores, liquid assets, more whores, and yes, even abortions sponsored by University boosters!

This blueprint should be mimicked by any and all businesses wanting a great deal of excellence in their midst. I chortle to think of anyone who would think otherwise. CHORTLE! GUFFAW!

Now, it must be stated that the entirety of collegiate football in the plebian NCAA realm have enviable business models that should be plastered in the hallowed halls of any worthwhile school of business. What other model do you know of in which the only payment one gives to their employees is class time they don’t want and a degree they don’t care about, if they stay around to receive it at all, and the colleges, conferences, and so forth reap billions and billions and billions of dollars for themselves?

I know billions upon billions is small potatoes for most of us, but ‘tis nothing to sneeze at dear fellows, for no work having been done on the part of the owners!

It is commonly accepted practice to give the most minimal of recuperation for the athletes of some of these schools. Often times, they are encouraged simply to sell or pawn memorabilia, which is already theirs, but, hilariously, such practices are strictly prohibited. Why is it prohibited? Well it wouldn’t be much fun to watch them in the offseason, now would it? GUFFAW, AGAIN, AND A THIRD-TIME, GUFFAW!

But Miami booster and Ponzi-scheme scapegoat Nevin Shapiro, with great generosity and manamity, gave pocket-change amounts of tens of thousands of dollars to some of these low-life athletes in order to pay their way into the University. Knowing full well that a winning program reaps even greater returns, Shapiro fueled the players’ need for narcotics, conveyances, ladies of the night, and abortions (Yea verily! Aborted fetuses galore!) at very minimal costs to his Pyramid of Ponzi, and in turn, Miami won literally DOZENS  of games with slightly higher-paid players.

A greater winning tradition, I cannot comprehend!

Mold your own business plan to this model, dear friends.

Remember: don’t pay the people who bring in most of your money. But if you have to pay them, pay them in gaudy sports cars, gaudier women of the night, or, if you’re not already, abortions.

Don’t forget to win, as if losing were an option!

Excelsior!