Reality TV and Summer Sex Tips

Written by  //  June 7, 2010  //  Hand Job and a Reuben  //  8 Comments

Oh VH1, you are a sex columnist’s juicy wet dream. First you gave us Tool Academy- a show where 12 emotionally stunted blowhards were psychically abused by their harpee girlfriends on national television. Next was Tough Love, where Some Dude who Acts Like He Knows A lot About Girls emotionally abused 12 single girls because they were single. Then we got Tough Love Couples, where that Same Dude got all up in the business of 6 couples who all really want to get their big break into television.

 

Next up, VH1 is blessing us with Dad Camp, which, from the promos, looks to be way more depressing than all the other shows combined, mostly because it involves BABIES. Cute little BABIES that did not sign any waivers and who have not asked to be born unto such trashy trashy individuals. What piece of horror could possibly follow that? Perhaps a show that makes fun of a difficult and scary disease?

But I digress- on to the questions!

Dear Ivyy:

I’m dating this guy right now who is perfect for me on paper. He’s nice, funny, good-looking, has a job, owns his own place, goes to the dentist, pays his taxes, etc. He treats me well and we enjoy pretty much the same things. We’ve been dating for a couple of months and it’s becoming clear to me that he is falling pretty hard for me. And from my side- nothing. I’m trying so hard to fall for him- I want to be in a relationship and he seems like he should be perfect for that, but for some reason I’m just not feeling it. What should I do?

Not Feeling The Love

Dear Not Feeling:

Let’s hear from a guy’s point of view on this one, shall we? I found this article by “Jake” (we’ll just assume it’s the Jake from Sixteen Candles, mkay?). According to “Jake” (he’s so dreamy!), chemistry is not only very very important, it’s also very very intangible. And instantaneous. Jake (le sigh *heart*) claims that chemistry not only makes you NOT attracted to a girl who should be perfect for you, it also pushes you towards a woman who is borderline terrible but has that certain jay nay say kwa.

So what to do? Are we just slaves to our bodies, forced to date a potentially unsavory person just because they subconsciously smell good or something? Well, kinda. You cannot force yourself to feel something for someone who just doesn’t do it for you. But you owe it to yourself to give your body time to develop chemistry with someone. If you give it time, get to know the person, and the chemistry still doesn’t appear, then it seems you can’t really do anything about that- move on. Find someone new, someone who is great on paper, and hope for chemistry with that person. That’s what Jake is doing, and Jake drives a fucking Corvette, so he HAS to be smart!

Dear Ivyy:
What are your recommendations for sex during the hot summer months?

Hot and Sweaty

Dear Hot:

Ice cubes. Lots of ice cubes, and get creative.

But beware if you have a dog who finds ice cubes to be a better treat than bacon- you will have a sudden and unwelcome panting tail-wagging guest in your boudoirs de fun.

And now, a picture of a kitten!:

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About the Author

Ivyy Goldberg, Esq.

Ivyy Goldberg, Esq. is Research Director and Writer of both Denver’s Most Fuckable Rockstars and Handjob and a Reuben. Part time sex columnist, part-time Supreme Court Justice-inspired superhero.

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8 Comments on "Reality TV and Summer Sex Tips"

  1. Angora Holly Polo June 7, 2010 at 4:07 pm · Reply

    Omigod, I love all of this! I love you.

  2. Ivyy June 7, 2010 at 7:06 pm · Reply

    Aw, thank you my dear!! And I love you almost as much as I love VH1.

  3. SxPxDxCx June 8, 2010 at 10:26 am · Reply

    Actually Jake had a Porsche 944 not a corvette.

  4. Cashmere Jefferson Lovabo June 17, 2010 at 7:31 pm · Reply

    Kitten!

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