Relationships without Nookie
Written by Ivyy Goldberg, Esq. // June 4, 2009 // Hand Job and a Reuben, Sex and Love // 3 Comments
Dear Ivyy,
I’m in a “sexless marriage”. My husband and I have been married for a little over 5 years, and our sex life, which used to be fairly active and “normal”, has dwindled to just once every few months or so. We both just have very busy lives and other things on our plates, and after a few discussions on the matter we realized we’re both ok with our sex life as is. We both have naturally low libidos, and we have a very good relationship otherwise.
Should I be worried? Is it possible to have a healthy relationship if sex is a very VERY small part of it?
Not That Into It
Dear People Who Don’t Be Having Enough Sex,
This might sound like a pretty inflammatory remark, but sex is REALLY important in a relationship. It allows you to have something with your partner that nobody else has. It’s like a little secret world that you two create that is private unto you and only unto you. In an ideal situation, it’s where you most let your guard down with someone and allow them to see your most private self.
Life gets in the way of relationships- a lot. Everyday activities, stresses, and decisions can really take a toll on a fairytale relationship. It’s so easy to get so caught up in life that you begin to lose your bond with your relationship- suddenly the person with whom you shared everything is like a stranger sitting across the table from you.
But sex changes all that in an instant. It brings you back N Sync with your partner, releases endorphins that bond you to your partner again, and just generally makes you a happier and healthier girlfriend or boyfriend, husband or wife.
AND FURTHERMORE, the whole reason we get into a relationship is to have someone to have regular sex with. (I mean regular as in on a regular basis, not regular like I’m judging y’all on what you do in the bedroom, so carry on.) So if you and your husband are not interested in having sex, then I’m inclined to think that there’s something deeper going on in the relationship. Granted, some people have lower libidos than others, but most couples need at least some form of sex. Right? Right?!
HOWEVER- Not That Into It, you’ve discussed the matter with your husband, and you’re both in agreement. Your sex life is healthy and happy for you both, so what’s your worry? Don’t judge your marriage on what others might be doing, or by what some asshole sex columnist might think of your weird weird marriage; judge it on you and your partner’s happiness.
Dear Ivyy:
How do I get my girlfriend to have sex with me more often? Lately, we only do it once a month or so. I love her and all, but this is driving me crazy!
Not Getting Any
Not Getting Any- you sound young. Are you sure you’re doing it right? Ask your older friends for female seduction advice. Hint- female seduction does NOT involve sticking your cock anywhere near her. It DOES involve slowing waaaaay down, kissing, caressing, and massaging your girlfriend for way longer than you thought would ever be possible. Listen to her breathing- heavy breathing means she’s ready for more. Easy, right?
3 Comments on "Relationships without Nookie"
Dearest Ivvy,
Your answer to the first question is absolutely spot-on. A sexless romantic relationship is, in fact, a platonic friendship.
Sexuality (and the associated intimacy) is part of what makes a marriage a marriage, as opposed to, say, a bromance. I’m glad you didn’t say “whatever works for you is cool.” If you’re in a romantic relationship and you both don’t enjoy getting bizzay, it’s a sure sign of other lurking problems.
I can not agree more with you Ivvy!.
My wife an I are currently separated but we are working on our problems and (hopefully
will get back together at some point in time.
I am happy to say we still have sex on a pretty frequent basis.
Being intimate with each other brings us closer together and reminds us just how important we are to each other.
This really helps when we are not getting along so well.
Thanks!
– Jeff
I have to disagree with the comment above mine. If neither party is craving sex more than they are having sex, then there is zero problem. Some people don’t have the urge to have sex very often, and when you’ve got two of those people together, great!
BUT that did not really seem like the case for Not That Into It. If she’s making excuses and worrying over the lack of sex, AND a discussion with the hubby didn’t relax those fears enough that she didn’t feel the need to write to a sex columnist, something’s up.