Halloween:The Sluttiest of All Holidays

The Latest Installment of “The Pen-Is Mightier” is Now Here for Your Slutoween Viewing Pleasure… you dirty whores.

I look forward to no holiday more than Halloween. The conversations you have are unlike any other holiday. You never hear, “Honey, what should I wear to Mother’s Day breakfast? Sexy librarian or sexy cop?” Halloween is the ultimate event for perverts and deviants. And that would be you guys.

I don’t know where Leg Avenue is exactly, but they seem to find their way into every Halloween store and give me a raging hard on. Those chicks are smoking hot as it is. Throw them in a cheerleader outfit and it’s, “give me a B, give me an O, give me an N, give me an E, give me an R, what does that spell?” Pleasure my dearies, your pleasure.

Halloween stores are meat markets if you play your cards right. It’s pretty easy to pick out the girls who are going to Halloween parties dateless. You can see their inner struggle in their pretty eyes. The questions running through their pretty little heads. “Can I pull this sexy mobster costume off?” “Does this sexy convict costume make me look too slutty?” and “I swear, does Batgirl only come out on Halloween?”

Help her browse the costumes. “Oh, hey, you going to a party, too? Yea, I have no idea what I’m going to be? What about you?” Never, EVER call a costume “slutty.” Sure, I know it is, and you know it is, and hell she probably knows it, too. It can even say “slutty” Girl Scout on the damn bag. But even if she’s a tad bit insecure, calling anything she’s looking at “slutty” shuts you down quick. No, be sure to call it sexy. Tell her how sexy she will look wearing it. Let’s role play a bit here to hammer the point home.

Her: Does this french maid outfit make me look slutty?

You (feigning obvious shock at the absurdity of her even asking): Hell no!. You will look damn sexy rocking that.

Her: I am yours.

See, easy, right? To reiterate, and this works if you are shopping with your girlfriend as well, show her some support (even if her costume doesn’t). Tell her how pretty she will look. Tell her how she will feel sexy, and hey, it’s just for one night, anyway. You’re not gonna get her to stage 8 slutty without a gentle progression. Remember, you’re already laying the groundwork for next Halloween, player.

What’s that? You’re in a relationship and she wants to go as a couple’s costume? Oh shit, bra, that sucks. Let me guess, she wants to be something stupid like Raggedy Ann and Andy or Popeye and Olive Oyl. What is this, the freaking 70s? Let’s face it, your best bet here is to go the Superman/Slutty Supergirl or Batman/Slutty Batgirl route. That’s not so bad. Of course, there are 2 types of girls; those who roll their eyes at the thought of being a Batgirl, and those who jump at the chance to indulge their repressed sexuality at least one night a year. “And, hey, if that heifer Marissa can stuff her fat ass into a slutty firefighter outfit, you have nothing to be ashamed of, sweetie.”

Girls can go literally as anything “slutty”. There is nothing that hasn’t been bastardized into a slutty costume. Don’t believe me? GIS (Google image search for those of you still using those free AOL discs) the following “slutty <x> costume” and see what shit comes back. Really, go try it. I have already gone ahead and GIS the following seemingly oddball costumes with slutty results: slutty Chewbacca costume, slutty Mrs. Claus, slutty keg costume, slutty Family Guy costume and slutty Nemo costume (I don’t know what’s worse; that I thought about that or that somebody else thought of that first). I’ve been doing this for the last 12 freaking hours. No, nothing from early childhood is safe, everything is now sexualized. Strawberry Shortcake was annoying as fuck back in the day, but, hey, she seems to have grown up quite nicely. Even those virginal Disney characters are sexy little minx now. I was always partial to Ariel, as I’ve always liked eating seafood. (Think about that one, you’ll get it.)

Clearly, it’s men who design these costumes. I imagine this is a fairly easy job. Look at a mock up and continually say, “Nope, not slutty enough. Less material.” I am sure the mark up on what is ultimately 47 cents worth of fabric is astounding. How these guys aren’t rock stars with Porsches and Nobel prizes is beyond me. You never see some sort of studly Superman where the guy is just wearing a red Speedo. (And if you are aware such a costume exists, keep it to yourself.) No, instead, guys get to be literally covered head to toe in superhero costumes. Hulk, Batman, Spidey, Iron Man. Conversely, look at a girl Ironman costume or Batgirl costume, and it’s skin city and stilettos. Funny how most girl costumes don’t require a mask but require a toned set of abs. Jesus, I don’t know how you’re supposed to fight crime wearing that, but I would gladly pay $40 for three songs to hear all about it.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gone to a Halloween kegger and seen that otherwise bookish, shy girl suddenly get her sexy on like she was a teacher in a Van Halen video. Halloween is a great excuse for girls to become liberated, to show that sexy side they might otherwise feel uncomfortable to show. Hey, that’s not Sarah wearing the slutty pirate costume; that is Esmeralda of the High Seas. Who wouldn’t want a piece of that action?

My God, how I look forward to the Halloween parties. And make no mistake, you should make it to as many Halloween parties as you can. Dress as what ever the flavor is for hot guy, and you just may get that drunken Hit Girl or Snow White to at least give you a handy out by the shed. As they tend to, sorority girls travel in packs at Halloween as well, donning group costumes. Sure, the fucking Ninja Turtle thing has been done to death, but you still can find a few that can pull it off. Us guys are so goddamn horny, we would do a turtle girl with no qualms. Even if she’s dressed as a guy turtle.

And really what better way to meet a girl than on an occasion when it’s socially acceptable to not be yourself? Maybe you get to drinking too much and start acting like an ass, “It’s a not me honey. It’s a me-Mario!”

Of course we advance to the lingering question, the elephant in the room as they say. So are you going to score while she’s wearing the slutty..um…sexy nun outfit. That’s really the endgame here, amirite? So let’s put a mirror on this event. Just what the fuck costume are you wearing? Odds are far better if you have a solid costume as opposed to a lame effort. Odds are, dick in a box will not make Sister Mary Horny all that wild for you. The possible situation warrants you have to step up your game as well. The last minute fall backs of cereal killer or chick magnet aren’t likely to get you any tail. The best you could do is that girl wearing that sumo costume. I mean, I hope that’s a sumo costume.