Snootball And The Whine-and-Cheeze-Wizard
It is with pleasure and great flourish that I welcome you to the food and wine section — I do not believe we have yet had the pleasure of introductions …
Without further adieu, dear reader, I am pleased to make your acquaintance. Snootball Foodington, Esq. DDS, PhD, ADD., at your service. Before I dare offer my humble suggestions for pleasing your palettes I shall offer you a brief explanation of my credentials:
1902 — I was not yet birthed
1978 — I was birthed by my mother into a bowl of cream of mushroom soup at the restaurant in Macy’s in New York City. Three seconds later I offered my first review, “This restaurant is unsanitary. There is a newborn baby in the soup.”
1982 — During 4th birthday party coined the term “poo-pooesque” when offered a second portion of the store-bought birthday cake.
1993 — After running away from home after a second sub-par caviar incident left me disillusioned and not trusting the world, I left to pursue my dreams across the ocean. I lied about my age, and entered an exclusive culinary institute in France. Due to the strict language laws in France, I am not able to write its name in English — however it is roughly translated as “The zhe-zhe foo-foo school of utmost excellence in the godly realms of culinary exquisitry.”
1994 — Opened my own restaurant in Hyde Park, which I had to shut after the opening dinner did not meet my expectations. “Chef Foodington’s opening night dinner was uninspired and without the bêtise expected of such an occasion,” I confusedly wrote about myself.
1994-1996 — Entered a downward spiral of confusion eventually resulting in a psychotic breakdown and the emergence of a second personality, the Whine and Cheeze-Wizard, who helped me express my dismay at the abuse the world was heaping towards my innocent taste buds.
2000 — The Whine and Cheeze-Wizard picks up a thesaurus while lost in the Napa countryside and starts to use phrases like “subtle plum undertones accent the gentle young tannins.”
2001 — The Whine and Cheeze-Wizard begins visiting Denver liquor stores and placing small placards by select wines describing eloquently the varying tastes. Next to a vintage 1999 Strawberry-Boone’s “suggests of a tropical night with cool beverage in hand on a lazy hazy beach-front” (if you flipped it over it says “just like dirty Tijuana drinking water looking at the pollution near the beach”)
2002 — The WCW is offered a weekly column by a local paper, and gets me (Sir Snootball) a job as contributing editor.
2003 — Received a posthumous award from Charles D’Gaul thanking me for trashing typical American food.
2004 — Received Presidential Medal of Distinguished Food Good Jobiness
2005 — Found a watch I had lost in the ’90s in my mother’s couch. Must have lost it that one year during Thanksgiving.
2006 — Learned that the Presidential Medal of Distinguished Food Good Jobiness was a scam to rent rooms at the DC Motel 8. I did wonder why it was presented by Tom Bodet.
2007 — Accepted a most honorable position of upstandingness with the Elitist Hipster Snobs. Finally an organization that understands the difficulty living in this less-than-snoot-perfect world.
So dear reader, thus have you been presented with my credentials.
Stay tuned for my adventures to California-Whine country and you’ll learn all you ever needed to know to stick your nose up at the culinary sensations in the California hillsides.
-Snootball and the Whine & Cheeze Wizard