Sports Lessons for Plebeians: Fencing

Written by  //  September 4, 2012  //  Croquet and Other Lesser Sports, The Field  //  No comments

We Hear Poor People Occasionally Stab Each Other?

The sport of Fencing has grown increasingly popular in recent years due, in no small part, to the fact it is two people whacking each other with metal sticks and that is fucking delightful. While I do not agree with the current fad of wearing “padding” and “masks” and blunted tips like some milksop pantywaist, nor preventing the victor to claim carnal rights to the spouse like we did when I was a young buck, it is still an interesting and much misunderstood sport. So I will once again rain enlightenment upon you.


The history of fencing is as old as the blade. I mean this quite literally as the first blade was created with the intended purpose of forcing some foul-mouthed bungler to recant a slanderous statement. It was in this way that both fencing and the art of “invention for the sole purpose of murder in the name of minor transgressions” were created. T’was a noble day in human history and is celebrated by the deleterious cultured on May 18th. The celebration has dwindled in participants since its inception due to the nature of both the festivities and the revelers.


Current fencing employs a large degree of pageantry and protective outerwear, which I will not dignify with description. If you want to mince about dressed like a fool to save your precious hide, then I will be damned if I will help you to do it. If that is the sort of pastime you enjoy then might I suggest you also take up Foosball and the cut-throat world of dance fighting. You sicken me.

If you prefer to actually fucking engage in the sport of fencing then you will require the following:

Rapier (2) – And no, it is not an “epee” or a “foil” or whatever other term you heard in the bathhouse. It is also only a saber if it has already tasted blood.

People (2)


Both competitors stand within a fencing strip, which is an area approximately 45 feet long and 6.5 feet in width. To intentionally leave this area means immediate forfeiture of the match, at which time your home will be sacked, your women claimed for prize, and you shall be castrated on the spot and forced to ingest your own shriveled testes. Your eyes will be plucked out so you may never again look on your betters.

You engage your opponent until the life of the weaker has been claimed by the stronger and his sword hand taken as trophy.

Judges may be used to award style points throughout the match. In true fencing they are immaterial to the outcome except to determine afterward whether it may be said of the loser “he died well.”

Two competitors to a match. Any more than two and it counts as swashbuckling, not fencing.

Remember, as with all sports, the key is to have fun!

About the Author

M. W. Byrne

M. W. Byrne would describe himself as a gentleman criminal. Born to the infamous nouveau riche Günther family, much of his adult life has been spent in and out of the department of corrections for a wide array of infractions from petty theft, mayhem, arson, and impersonating a member of the clergy.

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