Stuck in My Head: Better Writing Through Anal
As explored in this week’s Hand Job and a Reuben, anal may or may not always be the answer to your sex life; but it will almost always improve your writing. Have you ever wrestled a Donnybrook submission to the brink of perfection and wondered what element you missed, what flourish would coax the work to wholeness? It’s anal!
For purposes of illustration, I have taken the liberty of embellishing otherwise drab passages from three famous works in hopes of showing you the panache with which the merest mention of anal blesses any sentence.
Shut up and learn hard!
The Bear and the Dragon, Tom Clancy
“Whoever had been inside had been shredded instantly by metal fragments traveling at nearly ten thousand meters per second. Had they even known what had happened? Probably not. Perhaps the driver had had time to look and wonder, but the owner of the car in the back had probably been reading his morning paper, before his life had ended without warning. One thing was certain: no more anal for either of them.”
The Beautiful and Damned, F. Scott Fitzgerald
“This Fifth Avenue Chesterfield married at twenty-two. His wife was Henrietta Lebrune, the Boston “Society Contralto,” and the single child of the union was, at the request of his grandfather, christened Anthony Comstock Patch. When he went to Harvard, the Comstock dropped out of his name to a nether hell of oblivion and was never heard of thereafter. But he was still totally into anal.”
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, J.K. Rowling
“The rest of the school was happily anticipating their Halloween feast; the Great Hall had been decorated with the usual live bats, Hagrid’s vast pumpkins had been carved into lanterns large enough for three men to sit in, and there were rumors that Dumbledore had booked a troupe of dancing skeletons for the entertainment. And it was eagerly anticipated that the skeletons’ arrival would be preceded by three or four hours of rough anal.”
There you go, Donnybrookers; more secrets of the masters laid bare for the development of your craft. Stay tuned for next week’s installment: “Handjob as Trope in Meta-Fictional Structures.” Ta-ta!
Col. Hector Bravado
From Denver, Colorado