Surprise!! CSI isn’t sucking!!!… (that hard… just saying)

Much like the weird Suicide by Chocolate last time, Alistair is forced to eat her words!

I have to say, I’ve been somewhat impressed with CSI these past two weeks – way to go team! There were gun fights, cop killings, gangsters, angry bitches, helicopter crashes, and a little whipped cream topping of Daddy Issues thrown into the mix! And then, for dessert there were freaks, Elephant Men, and lots and lots of pain!

Last week’s “CSI Down” sadly wasn’t a porn starring yours truly as the “Guilty Offender” and George Eads as Nick Stokes. It started with Catherine, Greg and D.B. getting called to what initially was a dead body in the desert, but when they got there they found out that the victim was still alive and getting med-e-vac’d to the hospital.

Before the vic can be transported they get a call from my Darling Nicky, who’s just landed a double homicide and could use some help. Since this is no longer a murder D.B. allows Greg or Alice (not her actual name but what I call her because, well look at her, she’s AHdorable like a little Doll-Baby, and of course there’s still this, which I’m going to use EVERY POST.) to leave so they can go help Nick – Alice, because she’s a dirty little skeez with eyes on my man, jumps to volunteer to go, obviously so she can try to fuck my Darling Nicky in a blood pool of dead gangsters. Okay maybe that’s what just what I’d do – don’t judge, this is not a place of judgment. Okay it totally is if you’re poor, but for those of us in the inner elitist circle, is there really anything that’s TOO depraved? I thought not.

As I’ve said before, I love it when CSI connects the cases and has the whole team working together and this was a great one – the guy on the helicopter ends up being the main suspect in Darling Nicky’s murder case and when he comes to (right as Alice is learning who she’s sharing a ride with) he goes bananas and manages to steal a gun (Alice’s, because you know dumb bitches don’t keep their guns in check – also, very good to know for when I finally catch up to her and have to bring her down for putting the moves on MY fake TV boyfriend).

Everything just goes to shit – the guy’s doing this all for his long-lost daughter, who fell in with a bunch of gangbangers, but she’s still totally in with the gang and leads her dad into a trap so her gangster boyfriend can exact revenge for the murder of the two guys Darling Nicky found tied up on the floor. The helicopter ends up crash landing into some weird deserted Wild West town (note to self: find out where this is and throw an acid fueled rager in it STAT).

Of course, because this is TV, and they stopped killing off Newb’s in Season 1 when Holly Gribbs bit it in the first episode ever (and I’m totally going to showcase my Pop Culture / TV obsessed memory/patheticness by admitting to you all that I totally didn’t need to look that name up, yep, pulled that one right out of my ass) everyone makes it out okay – Alice manages to get out in plenty of time to give her Daddy Ecklie the coldest of shoulders.

Next up, we have the not quite as good but still totally decent “Freaks & Geeks” which centered on a murder at a travelling carnival with an old timey Freakshow theme complete with crazy acts and “Circus Freaks.” Have to admit I was disappointed it never reached Tod Browning proportions but okay CSI, okay – I appreciated the bright colors and the interesting makeup effects. Did NOT appreciate the total lack of quality Nick Stokes screen time, but I won’t hate.

Despite the neat extras and awesome makeup and lighting, this one just wasn’t as fun as last week’s – maybe they got me too revved up with the shootouts and the crashes, but at least they stuck to one case again which I really like. The body of a young woman is found wrapped up in a tarp on the outskirts of Vegas and upon examination they discover that she’s suffered multiple injuries to her arms and shoulders. It looks like the poor girl’s been tortured repeatedly – there are marks up and down her arms where thick skewers would be pushed through. She’s also got residue of wax all along the marks – making the team think that she’s been tortured and burned.

After tox comes back they learn that she had been on a regimen of pain medications which makes them wonder – if she were being tortured, why would her attacker dope her up so she couldn’t feel the pain? This leads Alice to “suddenly” remember that there’s a traveling carnival in town and one of the featured acts is “The Human Candelabra” which has a woman undergo all the same stuff their victim has – she puts skewers through her skin and uses them to hold up candles, then lights herself up.

They find her sister and inform her of the death and go to the carnival and question everyone. The owner, Willie, is shifty and they don’t believe him that he has no idea where his star act is. But they do find out that she has a boyfriend who’s one of the other performers and a victim of neurofibromatosis (Elephant Man’s Disease for all you uneducated heathen masses out there). They invite him to the station and he tells them that she was leaving the carny life because she found out she was pregnant – he didn’t want the baby because he was afraid it would be afflicted with the same condition, but when the detectives try to pull an “It was YOOOOU!!” on his ass he informs them that she WAS pregnant, lost the baby, but still wanted out.

This leads the team back to the carnival, where they figure it has to be the carnival owner – and after some more digging they find out that in a way, it was since he was the one who found the body and dumped it – but the real killer was the victim’s sister who was afraid that her sister’s crazy lifestyle was going to rub off on her young daughter, who idolized her freakshow auntie. Anyone still following? Yeah, me either. But Freakshow Auntie would make a kickass band name.