Sexiest Song Ever

Written by  //  March 3, 2011  //  Symposium, The Table  //  1 Comment

Confession: this is more of an experiment than a definitive list. It all started when I appalled my male coworkers by admitting that while I enjoy the merits of D’Angelo, his song “Untitled (How Does It Feel)” doesn’t *actually* get me in a tizzy. In fact, I can say the same thing about most R&B songs that are designed to make girls want to take their clothes off – ones where oiled up, buff, air-humping dudes proclaim to worship all parts of a lady. Their shirts are so huge yet they leave them unbuttoned for some reason! and their diamond earrings are bigger than mine! And I feel like when someone is pandering to me so much (well not me personally, let’s face it), they aren’t to be trusted. It’s naive for them to think that by offering women things that women supposedly like (I will buy you expensive clothes/I will give you oral sex) that we will come blindly like dogs, even if we have no interest in them as men.

I find much more sex appeal in rebels like Black Rebel Motorcycle Club. Or super lush sounds, like Goldfrapp or Air. Or Frenchies like Sebastien Tellier or Serge Gainsbourg. Rich LeFevre added that a female friend of his proclaimed that Radiohead’s “Talk Show Host” was the sexiest song ever, and he didn’t understand it, but I instantly saw the appeal. Is this a male/female split? What do women really want to bone down to? What do men really want to bone down to?

From my incredibly small sampling of Donnybrook writers and people I was drinking beer with, the conclusion I came to is thus: as people have strange and wildly different tastes in the bedroom, so do they have strange and wildly different tastes in their bedroom music. Please do enjoy the following list…thoroughly. And let us know what music you like to bone down to!


“Too Close” by Next

I think the entire reason that this is the sexiest song ever is pretty obvious. I will start by quoting several portions of the song. First stanza, first line: “I wonder if she could tell I’m hard right now.” This is truly incredible writing. Forcing the listener to immediately be taken aback as to what tense we are talking in is a wonderful way to open the listener to new ideas and thoughts. It is obvious that NEXT is really trying to free your mind. Is there anything sexier than being mentally free? And, this idea of “hard” is a recurring theme in Too Close. It is obvious that well educated chaps, as the gentlemen from NEXT obviously are, are talking about the difficulties of falling in love so fast. The genuine connections the lovers are making, and thinking about the challenges that will be henceforth. Weather it be meeting the family members of the lover in the coming months or finding a way to still achieve erection when covering clown masks with apple butter doesn’t seem to cut the mustard and the female is in dire need of congress.

“I feel a little poke comin’ through on you.” Riveting poetry. I dare say this sits on the shoulders of such literary greats as Victor Hugo and Carl Sandburg. So complex, so honest, so fruitful.

- Rich LeFevre

 

“Try A Little Tenderness” by Otis Redding

I almost find it offensive that I even have to justify why Otis Redding’s seminal classic, “Try a Little Tenderness” is hands down the sexiest song. Wrapped in a neat four minute package, Otis starts with a slow burn, with those sensual horns subtly caressing your weary libido into tingling excitement. Oh, and then the beat happens. That building beat that takes the whole thing into a veritable bonfire of lustful ecstasy, Otis’ wail both making men everywhere emboldened and a little embarrassed, because come on…they have to know that their woman’s Sunday dress is only in a puddle on the floor because of that man’s feverish promises. It’s been noted by several musical historians that when Otis Redding performed “Try a Little Tenderness” live, he achieved simultaneous orgasm with his audience every time he went into the frenzied, euphoric string of “got to”s. Final nail in the coffin on why Otis Redding owns the key to any woman’s panties: “Try a Little Tenderness” kept its unassailable sensuality despite being lip synched by Ducky in Pretty in Pink. Light a cigarette, you’re done.

- Poppy Helena van Liquer


“Chattahoochee” by Alan Jackson

Short Answer: Just listen to the song… Very intently and with earnest interest.

Long Answer: A. It’s Awesome, B. It’s Honest.

To say that Alan Jackson defines male sexuality is to commit an unforgivable and slanderous understatement; and it also detracts from the true beauty of the culture that inspired such an honest portrait of low-income rural white sexuality. Watch the video. Seriously, watch it. It starts out with a living breathing mustache with a stetson water skiing. That would normally be enough, but the video goes on to feature mullets, Dallas Cowboys running back Tommie Agee jerseys, monster trucks, ladies in unflattering swim wear, shirtless out of shape men, fireworks, and water skiing; but just when your mind begins to explode, you realize that every single person in the hoe-down scene was on an early 90’s episode of cops. That’s awesome

It’s honest. The song is about spending the summer drinking, and forcing yourself on people. Which sums up a lot of my friends’ entire lives. I’m from the South so I’m qualified to interpret the lyrics; the chorus is, in short, about a kid to takes a girl out to the woods/river somewhere and attempts to bed her (for lack of a better word). She rejects him, so he goes and eats a hamburger and a snow-cone, drops her off, then goes back to the woods/river and drinks away his disappointment with his friends… nice… It’s honest in the sense that Alan Jackson doesn’t try to seem profound, like modern country stars. He’s a singer of the old guard that knows that country music belongs to those secluded and inbred woodspeople with little understanding of logic and absolutely no social tact. Sex is an act of pure honesty, and the singers of its ballads should reflect that. I may be belaboring this point, but something tells me to just trust him when he says “it gets hotter than a hoochie coochie.”

- Hiram O’Cicero-McKnoxt

 

“Finding Out True Love is Blind” by Louis XIV

CLICK HERE TO SEE THE VID

This a filthy little rock number that always ends up in my party mixes. Play this song at the after-party when people are just about to brown out and it usually throws them over the edge; they start grinding on each other and making out on the dance floor. This song has absolutely no class, but it says exactly what some of us are thinking.

- The Bartender

 

“My Asparagus” by Humpasaur Jones

Everything from the insanely sexy beat to the flirtatiously clever lyrics make My Asparagus the most P.I.M.P. song in the sex game. I mean, come on! Who can have a conversation with themselves in the middle of a song and pull it off with this much swagger and class?

“(what’s the key to good sex?) just being relaxed / (what do women want?) I think the answer is me / and the hands that are deep inside my pants would agree/ (where’s your DJ at?) he’s drunk with some midgets / (where are your pants?) probably none of your business.”

I also like the fact that the entire album is dedicated to absurdist sex rap. Humpasaur Jones was blessed with a deep voice for one reason, and that reason is to make your girlfriend HOLLA!

“it’s hump and squid, ladies, of course you’re horny / we’re here to restore your dormitory to its former glory / the animal house days, we’re bringing it back / with samples, sound waves with ridiculous tracks, / so consider that a lifetime achievement / otherwise I’m quitting rap to fight crime with Jesus.”

http://www.worldaroundrecords.com/albums/keep-it-moist/

- Jaffe Joffer


The Midnight Juggernauts remix of Sebastien Tellier’s “Divine”

Sebastien Tellier simply oozes sex — have you seen him? When he performs, it’s downright dirty. Here are some photos depicting his sexiness (ignore the last two Astra Moveo shots): http://fromthehipphoto.com/3oh3-sebastien-tellier/

Oh, and just for reference, here is the 2009 Professor Honeydew write up of his show (with more photos): http://godonnybrook.com/home/stop-or-ill-shoot-sebastien-tellier/

- Nina Barry I

 

“#1 Crush” by Garbage

Easy for me. Garbage’s “#1 Crush.” Why you ask? I think the bigger question you should ask is why you are asking a computer screen a question at all. Does it give you an answer? If so, what is the answer? OK, look, I don’t mean to interrupt the fascinating discussion with your HP, but can we get back to sex and/or music here? Sheesh.

The opening is sexy as fuck. If you are not titillated-yes, I said that-by the opening, your libido is as dead as the Avalanche’s playoff hopes. Female sexual moaning on par with the best professionally produced porn? Hello? Let’s just set the stage right at the top. Followed by Shirley Manson’s opening delivery of ,”I would die for you, I would die for you.” When is it not hot when someone says they will die for you, “just to feel you by my side?” This is quite possibly the best blend of lyric and music to ‘grease the wheels’ since the cavemen developed music. And to be fair, much of that music was nothing more than tribal bullshit. “#1 Crush” moves at a pace that can best be described as ‘grinding.’ Lyrically, I have this girl eating out of the previously hairy palm of my hand. Who doesn’t want a girl (or guy as the case may be) crying for them, selling their soul for something pure and true like me? Seeing my face everywhere they are walking, hear my voice every time they are talking? Not sold yet? What’s that? You will feel pain for me, burn for me, lie for me, beg and steal for me, die for me, kill for me, do time for me, sail ships for me because you believe in me? You would die for me? Shit, honey, do my wash and vacuum once a week and I am all yours. The song breathes sex; exudes sex. In conclusion, a vote against this song is a vote wasted.

- Coconut Roman Coke

 

“Tonight Ricky” by Rachel Sweet

When I was a mere lad of 17, there was no idea more appealing to me than receiving a phone call from a 17-year-old slice of cow-punk jailbait informing me that her house was empty and that I should head on over to engage in some spirited fornication. I no longer feel the same way, of course, as that would be illegal. I submit this song in tribute to my long, long ago youth and any admiration I still have for it is strictly on artistic and academic grounds, you understand.

Rachel Sweet was a tender, young and not-yet-legal nymphette when she released her second album Protect the Innocent on Stiff Records in 1980, and never did a more appropriately named artist record for a more appropriately named label. Tucked in amongst the Lou Reed and Graham Parker covers was the jazzy “Tonight Ricky,” on which Sweet coos come-ons to some lucky bastard named Ricky, who most likely had to change his underwear as soon as he hung up the phone. Sweet tries unsuccessfully to maintain some semblance of kittenish innocence, but the way she purrs “holding hands and dreamy eyes won’t render satisfaction” indicates that she already has a pretty good idea of what will. Ricky probably isn’t going to survive the night, but at least he’ll die with an enormous smile on his face.

The fact that Sweet didn’t age very well and ended up playing George Costanza’s shrewish cousin on “The Contest” episode of Seinfeld doesn’t diminish the intensity of the heat she emitted in her days as the resident teenage sex kitten in Stiff’s roster of oddballs, nor does it change the fact that listening to “Tonight Ricky” is the first step to losing the titular contest of that episode. “Tonight Ricky” is a very stiff record indeed.

- Rev. Theodore Marley Renwick-Renwick

About the Author

Angora Holly Polo

Angora Holly Polo is the Czar of Donnybrook Manor, moderator of leisure, purveyor of intrigue. You may email her offerings of gold at GoDonnybrook@Gmail.com.

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One Comment on "Sexiest Song Ever"

  1. King Arthur Fonzerelli March 10, 2011 at 6:27 pm · Reply

    Hands down… the best song to bone down to is “Pork Soda” by Primus. You can generally apply Primus to any situations, but everyone knows that you need a thumping bass line in the bedroom. Just watch any adult video made prior to 1993.

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