Televised Entertainment in Review: the Jersey Shore

Written by  //  December 14, 2009  //  Televised Entertainment in Review  //  No comments

jerseyshore01

Preface:

The most recent form of televised entertainmente to appear on my four-metre plasma screen television device was the new Music Television show Jersey Shore.  This show is essentially about the foolhearty experiences of young “guidos” and “guidettes” as they soak up the filthy evening happenings of the New Jersey Boardwalk.  Fornicatings and libatings will indeed be in store.  Most of the specimens are adorned with tans reminiscent of the Lenni-Lenape native peoples who once roamed these same parts of the country some 400 years prior, hair stylings that seem to have made their way from some world obviously severed from the likings of Tosca, and accents so thicke that Marlon would even need a hearing horn were he still with us today.

The show is assuredly an experiment in the dichotomy of the sexes, a classic rumping of the Amazonians and Greeks.  Oh how humorous it would seem seeing as the players are all of I-talian decent.

The females will curse and complain of visiting womens with loose morals and less than ideal hair colours. They will swish their chalices of “Ron Ron Juice” trying to remember the night previous, exclaiming that they have no memory of the romances with the rather large “Wrestler” fellow.   Some claim to have the attributes and natural inclinations to rip the head off of their mates like a praying mantis, while others still care for the ill who have consumed too much ether-based beverages.  But ho’ none will converse with another creaton who has the infamously unreasonable “puke breath.”

The males will lift heavy objects and run on moving floors in an attempt to increase the number of muscles they possess.  Some will concoct aforementioned “Ron Ron Juice”, a conjuring even a seasoned alchemist would likely find troublesome to mirror.  The rooftop artificial hot springs is the favoured communal forum as well as most likely place to coerce visiting wenches into their sheets.

Often both sexes will visit the local watering holes, which double as evening ballrooms of sorts for lack of a better descriptor. Let me assure you, dear readers, that there is no waltzing to be had in these establishments, yet only the most progressive versions of the tango.

The Players:

Mike “The Situation”

jerseyshoremike

He prefers to refer to himself in the third person form of his nickname, which is a reference to his overly ripened rectus abdominus.

Paulie D.

jerseyshoredjpaulie

A “DJ” from Rhode Island and Providence Plantations, this 29 year old wizard owns a motorized bicycle with some sort of demonized magical wheels of trickery.  Tesla beware.

Vinny

jerseyshorevinny

A rather normal fellow when compared to the others, Vinny has a penchant for rapidly pumping his fist in excitement as well as contracting bacterial ailments of the optic region.

Ronnie

jerseyshoreronnie

The most primitive of the males, Ronnie is a witch doctor in the kitchen often using his mixings to entrance the all others in the barracks.  A true purveyor of drink.

Jenni aka “J-WOWW”

jerseyshorejenni

J-WOWW (pictured left) seems to only be able to afford clothes that a panhandler has given her second hand.  She also has the tendencies of a praying mantis threatening decapitation if post coitus.

Angelina

jerseyshoreangelina

This self proclaimed “cock-blocker” is sure to ruin any lofty plans of the males with whom she shares shelter.

Sammi aka “Sweetheart”

jerseyshoresweetheart

Specializing in the givings of evil eyes, Sammi , in concert with co-hort Angelina, concentrate in ensuring that the men under the roof receive no sexual release with other encroaching females.

Nicole “Snooki”

jerseyshoresnookie

Suffering from achondroplasia, Snooki isn’t even called by her preferred nomen, yet is referred to as Snickers

Acts I & 2:

The players all meet at rectangular prism they seem to call a home, yet, I see no columns, no courtyards, not even a single croquet field.  Quickly the players begin creating mixed “cocktails” and loosening up their chemises and trousers.   They are shown their new job at a local primitive haberdashery specializing in custom undergarment like t-shirts (for lack of a better term).  The Situation seeks out romance, Snooki attempts to wench herself to the tall people surely in hopes of bettering her gene pool, Pauly D uses his fists to settle a duel and Vinny misses scheduled work hours due to conjunctivitis.

INTERMISSION; stay tuned for more Jersey Shore!

About the Author

Rich LeFevre

Rich LeFevre is a master of none, though a jack of all those trades one would expect: Dressage, denning, dueling, and Jenga.

View all posts by

Leave a Comment

Notify me of followup comments via e-mail. You can also subscribe without commenting.

comm comm comm