The Accusation That Launched A Thousand Blog Posts

Written by  //  December 13, 2010  //  Fucked-Update  //  6 Comments

I love Julian Assange. He’s a badass. I will freely admit that I’ve had fantasies about the two of us breaking into the White House to fuck in the Lincoln bedroom. But now those fantasies have been tainted.

I fucking hate a high-profile sexual assault case. It takes forever to get actual information about what happened, and everyone gets twitchy and says fucked-up shit on the internet. It’s like when Kobe Bryant got accused of rape and people were all,”But I like him! He plays basketball on the teevee!” As if you can’t be likable and also a rapist. In fact, being likable bodes quite well for a rapist because the public will champion the quest to prove your innocence by calling the accusers whores, and NO ONE likes a whore. Especially a whore who tries to sully the reputation of a dude who a lot of people like. Or a dude who happens to be on a personal mission to make governments accountable for their dirty deeds.

As I see it, there are 3 theories being presented by People on the Internet:

1.  Those bitches are lying!

2. This whole thing is a charade created by the powers-that-be to silence this brave and noble hero of the people!

3. He’s guilty…yeah…just guilty.

We’re gonna toss out option Numero Uno right away. Why? Because when we start discussions about sexual assault charges with tired cliches about how women love to falsely accuse men of rape WE MAKE THE WORLD A SHITTY, SHITTY PLACE FOR WOMEN. So seriously….don’t do that. Rape is already way under-reported, and one of the reasons it’s under-reported is that women fear no one will believe them. And they have good reason for fearing that, because whenever these high-profile cases come along there are shitloads of people saying that no one should believe the victim. So really….resist the temptation to start the argument with, “She’s probably just crazy/jealous/attention-seeking/bitter.” It only makes you look like an asshole.

As for number 2: this one I like to indulge just a little bit, because I love a good conspiracy theory. Also, because a lot of powerful people really, really hate this guy. It might seem like you can’t support option 2 without taking for granted that his accusers are in on it, but I don’t actually think that’s true. I mean, there is some suspicious stuff about this whole situation. Like: in the beginning this whole thing was being reported as some sort of broken condom fiasco which violated an obscure Swedish law that only carried a $700 fine. This did not sound like the sort of thing that Interpol would go batshit crazy over. So while I’m not prepared to assume those bitches are lying, I’m more than willing to acknowledge that the timing and circumstances of all this are awfully convenient for the people who want Assange to shut the fuck up. And I have a hard time believing the response to these charges would have been so dramatic had the accused not been Julian Assange. Also, it’s hard not to side with the guy when the Secretary of Defense can barely contain his glee when asked how he feels about Assange being taken into custody and members of the administration have admitted that they’re scrambling to find a way to indict the guy for espionage. So: I think there’s at least a little of this shit going on.

The third explanation is by far the most complicated. I mean, what the fuck is the guy being charged with anyway? The great internet gossip mill has really been muddling the details here. Glenn Beck keeps calling it “Sex by Surprise” and painting his accusers as radical feminists bent on revenge. And then there were reports that one woman was just pissed about a broken condom and the other woman was saying he agreed to wear a condom but didn’t and she didn’t realize it until after the sex, to which dude/bros all over the internet responded with resounding cheers of “That’s not rape!  That’s how it’s done, amirite?”

Public Service Announcement: Wear condoms, people! Avoid the clap!

Well, according to this possibly reliable source, Assange is actually being charged with unlawful coercion, sexual molestation, and having sex with a lady WHILE SHE WAS SLEEPING. I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt on that last one and just assume you know that whoever you’re fucking should be awake for it unless you have some sort of prior agreement that it’s totally ok to fuck them while they’re sleeping. And you had better be really fucking sure you know ALL the terms of that agreement. The unlawful coercion charge has something to do with Assange holding a woman down in a way that she apparently did not like or consent too. That shit is also fucked up and, like the condom thing, super prevalent–prevalent enough that I wonder if a lot of the angry guys on the internet (or, for that matter, the reporters who have scoffed at the charges) are angry because they’ve done all that shit Assange was accused of and they don’t like having those actions labeled sexual assault. If you are one of those people who sees a little of your own experience in these charges against Assange, do the world a favor and take this as an opportunity to reflect on ways you can better respect your sexual partners rather than ranting on the internet about how OMG, LIGHTEN UP, LADIES, THAT IS TOTES NOT RAPE!!!!!!!

It’s the sexual molestation charge that introduced the whole sex-by-surprise/sex-without-a-condom thing, because the woman claims that her consent was contingent upon Assange wearing a condom and then he didn’t. This concept of conditional consent seems to be confusing for some. It shouldn’t be. I mean, if you and I are fucking because I want to and you want to and then I start to shove my fist up your ass and you say “Hold on, Cap’n, I did not fucking agree to that!” then it would be my responsibility to stop, because you did not agree to that. This should not be a complicated concept. And if you think there’s a difference between fucking someone without a condom and fisting them without their consent then maybe you do not share my fear of germs and babies, because the idea of germs and/or babies scares me a hell of a lot more than the idea of a fist up my ass. And also, I get to tell you how I will and will not fuck you because I am human. If this is a problem, then buy a fucking Real Doll and leave the rest of us to fuck people who don’t mind so much that we can say no.

At the end of the day, there’s no way to know how all of this is going to work out. Maybe he’ll get extradited. Maybe he won’t. Maybe the charges will get dropped. Maybe he’ll be convicted. Whatever. WikiLeaks has promised to go on fighting the good fight whether Assange goes to jail or not. This is all we should really care about. These charges, even if they prove to be true will not undo the good work that Assange has done. I tend to think there’s probably something to these charges–I mean, a guy with enough ego to fancy himself an international man of mystery sent to unleash chaos across the globe probably has enough ego to think a sleeping lady will be THRILLED to wake up to find he’s fucking her. Let’s not forget that some of the things we love about Assange–his rebellious nature, his contempt for authority, his disdain for playing by the rules–could also make him a total douche in his personal life.

So let’s review:

People who do awesome things are also capable of doing super fucked-up bad things. Powerful people do not like to be caught with their pants down and if you’re going to be doing the de-pantsing, you should prepare for skeletons in your closet to be paraded all over the internet. And finally, don’t go ruining a good shag by taking advantage of your partner(s) or pushing the boundaries of their consent.

About the Author

Cap'n Colleen

Cap'n Colleen is Donnybrook's political columnist and militant, dangerous, international activist.

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6 Comments on "The Accusation That Launched A Thousand Blog Posts"

  1. Team Donnybrook
    godonnybrook December 13, 2010 at 3:05 pm · Reply

    Thank you for this. I love this. In fact, you have an open fisting invitation anytime.

  2. Cao'n Colleen December 15, 2010 at 9:30 am · Reply

    Huzzah! Just what I ALWAYS wanted!

  3. The Bartender December 27, 2010 at 12:16 pm · Reply

    Anyone ever read Casino Royale? After Bond had sex with this girl he reflected on the tryst as having “the sweet tang of rape.” Brutal. There’s also that scene in Lost in Translation where Bill Murray’s character, Bob awkwardly watches a prostitute attempt to seduce him by initiating a pseudo-rape role play. Hilarious. Interestingly, Bill’s character plays a 007-type character. The differences is that Bob is not Bond; he doesn’t buy into the archetype that he plays on the screen. I have no doubt in my mind that Assange believes that he is this 007 archetype, because he’s said little to disprove it. Not once has he said that I’m just a geeky hacker with a radical sense of international street justice. It’s fucked up – I love wikileaks, but unless these girls accusing Assange are lying (which does happen by the way, Cap’n, Issac Brock from Modest Mouse was falsely accused of rape) or is a charade it will always have that unforgivable tang of rape.

  4. Professor Honeydew December 29, 2010 at 6:12 pm · Reply

    Rape is my favorite flavor of Tang.

    Oh, I’m sorry–that should have said “Grape.”

  5. Cap'n Colleen January 23, 2011 at 4:52 pm · Reply

    I was just sitting around reading articles about rape culture (because it seemed like a great way to spend the weekend?) and I thought—Hey, I wonder if anyone ever commented on that last fucked update? And someone did!

    I’m sure no one will ever see this because the last comment was almost a month ago, but I just read what The Bartender had to say and thought I would respond even though this thread has been long-since abandoned. I’m mouthy, so I’m going for it.

    So, Bartender—

    False rape accusations. I did not say that no woman ever in the history of the entire world has ever ever EVER lied about being raped. People lie about all sorts of weird shit. It is not hard for me to believe that some woman somewhere at some point in time might have lied about being raped. But what I did say is that when someone we know, or someone we know of, is accused of rape our first response should not be to assume the woman making the accusation is lying about it. I think if people would stop jumping to that conclusion maybe it would be easier for women who are raped to talk about it.

    As for Isaac Brock– I remain unconvinced that those accusations were false. Which does not mean that I believe he is a rapist. It just means that I do not know. I wasn’t there. And even if I was there, I still might not know because unless consent is expressly stated, it can be kind of hard to tell. Most of us don’t do a ready check before fucking. We take for granted that we can tell when our partner is into it and we assume that if they weren’t into it we would notice and if we’re decent people we tell ourselves that if we could tell they weren’t into it then we would stop. But that is a whole lot of assumptions to be making and sometimes we make bad ones because we’re more interested in getting some than in being good to other people or maybe we’re just really drunk. Like: one time I was fooling around with this girl I knew from work and we were both pretty drunk and I was having a gay ol’ time but then I realized that she had this look on her face like maybe she didn’t want to be doing it. But I couldn’t tell, because she was….let’s say…actively participating. And so I said, “Are you sure you want to be doing this?” And she said “I always want to do this.” Which is a weird thing to say and I did not for a second believe that “I always want to do this” meant the same thing as “I totally want to fuck you right now,” but the drunk, horny not-so-keen-on-getting-rejected-by-pretty-girls voice in my head said “HELL YES, THAT IS GOOD ENOUGH!” Fortunately for the both of us there was also a part of me that was like….”Um….maybe you should just take a little time out”. I really, really, really did not want to listen to the second voice because I knew there was a distinct possibility that I would not get laid. Which I didn’t. And that was a bummer. But it’s better than being a rapist.

    And that was, like, a totally unnecessary story thrown in to illustrate that consent is tricky. So let’s all go off to not rape another day!

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