The Baron Writes a Letter to The Princeton Review
Mr. Michael J. Perik
President and Chief Executive Officer
The Princeton Review
New York, New York 10024
Dear Mr. Perik,
We’ll get to that a little later.
First, I think it necessary that we discuss the grave injustice that has been perpetrated by your publication against The Donnybrook Writing Academy. To wit, it is my understanding this “Princeton” Review (I’ve always thought your name was misleading, as you are not affiliated with Princeton University, the highly touted massage therapy school in…Hoboken, is it?) publishes an annual list of the Top Party Schools in the country and the 2009 list failed to give due credit to the first, best and only true party school in the country, The Donnybrook Writing Academy!
According to your list, the top party school in the country is Penn State. Penn State? Did we gain one? Where the hell is that, even? You mean, like, Bic? Bic State University? Is that a rollerball or a ballpoint? We only use fountain pens here at Donnybrook, Mont Blanc with Racing Green ink. It seems silly that the students and faculty here at The Academy could place 2nd or 100th behind a bunch of plastic pen makers! They sure know how to party it up with all of their self-tattooing and doodling. I think I remember Becky Nelson telling me about the most fabulous postcard party sophomore year. Apparently, things got really out of hand when Peter pulled out his Paper Mate Flex Grip Elite! Can you imagine the looks on their faces? I’m guessing somewhere between disgust and sheer terror!
The Donnybrook Writing Academy is situated in Denver, Colorado on many several acres of lush grounds overlooking fine ponds with bathing loons and the most beautiful morning fogs that hover just above the water, softly rippled from the early acrobatics of grumbling bullfrogs. And, yet, your cracker-jack team of 122,000 student pollsters found the tattered grounds of The University of Colorado at Boulder more appealing for their partying needs? Dude…bro…seriously? Like, you’re totally throwing off my Ch’i right now, man. We’re going to take a faction of Donnybrook representatives to Boulder in a caravan of hybrids and show those fraternity kids and Trustafarians how to party it up. We’ll all meet up after the big game and I think, when push comes to shove, you’ll find that The Donnybrook Academy can party CU’s ass under the table with one hand tied behind our backs! Jaeger! We need Jaeger bombs, bro! I think those chicks over there are totally digging us right now. Buy ‘em a Ketel Red Bull and let’s roll up. Fist bump, bro. Knucks, bra! Fo’ real.
Clearly, the only way to rectify this situation is to nullify the results of the recent poll and subject you and your staff to public ridicule and stoning. Oh…sorry…there I go talking about Boulder again! It’s only 9am and I’m already so hopped up on goofballs I can’t think straight. With such grievous errors and omissions in your lists there is only one question that can be asked: What the fuck does the Princeton Review know about top party schools in the United States?
Tell you what, why don’t you take a few days off and head west to party it up right with the Donnybrook elite? We’ll even put you up in the finest room in the Manor, complete with no less than 2 private serfs to tend to your comforts. The first round of Sloe Gin Fizz’s is on you, though.