The Ex Games (Through the Past, Darkly)
We’ve all gone through break ups. Some good, some bad, some mandated by a silly little court decree. Regardless they happen.
And when we dump you (yes, we dump you) guys think the same thing:
1) we’ve put up with enough of your shit
2) you are too bossy
3) you’re a whore
4) any number of cuter girls are ready to jump in the sack with us
And in this wired and wireless generation, the race is on to proclaim your new found singlehood. In the old days, it was just a matter of drunkenly addressing the bar with “HEY! I’m a free man! Who’s down to fuck?” Nowadays, it’s no sooner than that final “FUCK YOU” rolls off the lips then it’s a race to change your status on Facebook. Ah, yes, Facebook, the premier destination to announce a break up. Here’s a secret: we’re no different than you.
Personally, I love it when friends break up. I love to watch the two go to extremes to distance themselves. Suddenly their pages proclaim how “over it” they are and “how much better off” they are. I especially enjoy the time they invest to dump all those pictures. That is only matched in comical fashion as how quickly they try to get pictures up of them with a new fuckbuddy. Before you know it, you are replaced by some peckerhead that looks like a homeless Giancarlo Badessi. We have those cute friends stashed away, too; those we added with a slew of other ‘friends’ so you never noticed. You also didn’t notice how fast we defriended those other losers. When you think about it, the almighty FB should have a ‘friends with benefits’ option.
Which leads me to the point of this story. Cyber stalking. Yes, we all do it. We all break up and hope for the same exact thing. For that heartless bimbo to be reduced to a puddle of tears and spend the rest of their lives ruing the day they didn’t dress up like Alice from Resident Evil to fulfill our selfish needs. I want to see every ex broken down. I want to see them dating a full 3 grades below my class level. And Facebook gives me that satisfaction.
There are days when I want to feel better about myself. Watching reruns of Cops won’t do it, so it’s time to cyber stalk. And let’s face it, just about every girl I date is an attention whore, and feels no need to lock me out of their page. I don’t have to spend too much time figuring out what most of my exes are up to. In fact I know where most of them are; below the basement floor at my parents’ house. But for the lucky few who have escaped, it’s nice to see how far they’ve sunk.
First up, let’s see what Ashlee is up to. (And yes, she spells it with two e’s, which was a sure sign there was trouble a-brewing.) When I dumped her sorry ass to the curb of Loser Street (though she may dispute that, but she can go get her own fucking column), she left town for Idaho. I know, talk about setting your expectations lower, right? In the interim, she met a guy and pushed out two kids. The worst part is that she absolutely has a more bangin’ body now then when she was with me. But, hey, good for him. Maybe he can bang the crazy out of her.
Missy seems to have picked up the shattered pieces of her life quite well. All the music videos on her profile are of the uplifting “I will survive” sort. She seems to have moved on. She’s dating-snicker-a Denver Nugget. Apparently, Denver has some sort of basketball team that likely loses to the Globetrotters every night. Good for her. Hope he can put up with the mood swings better than I could.
Some of my exes have apparently blocked me on FB. So while I cannot comment on their status, I think science would bear me out and reveal them to be gas station sluts. Which means they haven’t really advanced in life at all. So if you will excuse me, I have a few future exes to stalk.
*The names have not been changed, because they are bitches. Suck it.