The iTunes Top 10 – January 8th, 2009
Written by Col. Hector Bravado // January 12, 2009 // The Conservatory // 17 Comments
In order not to completely lose track of mainstream culture, sometimes I listen to the free 30-second snippets of the top-selling iTunes tracks. Here are brief reviews based on those snippets from January 8th.
1. “Just Dance” Lady GaGa & Colby O’Donis
I like how two people get billing for this piece of shit. “Ooh, can you believe Lady GaGa finally teamed up with Colby O’Donis?” Maybe next year Lady GaGa can do a collab with R2D2 and PeePeePooPoo.
2. “Heartless” Kanye West
I’ve been reading for years about how Kanye is one of the creative forces that has saved rap, and I still don’t get it. What a bore.
3. “Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It)” Beyonce
Pattery double-time clapping and some synth work with some Galaga sounds that are kind of berserk-sounding. I liked it.
4. “Gives You Hell” The All-American Rejects
$1,000 from the Donnybrook war chest goes to the first person to punch the lead singer in the throat, preferably during the chorus. You also get a commemorative hat of some kind, and a spirited, if brief, parade.
5. “Love Story” Taylor Swift
Just enough of a ghost of digitized twang so that exurban rednecks don’t have to face the fact that they’re really just listening to shitty ‘90s pop.
6. “Circus” Britney Spears
How heartening that Ms. Spears could be washed from the seas of celebrity to the beachhead of insanity and finally crawl to the lush jungles of mediocrity.
7. “Hot N Cold” Katy Perry
Good lord, how many times have those four notes been dragged out for a techno-pop joint? And I still can’t resist. It sets my inner gay ablaze.
[audio:http://godonnybrook.com/v3/wp-content/themes/mimbo2.2/images/07-Hot-N-Cold.mp3|titles=Hot 'N Cold]
8. “I’m Yours” Jason Mraz
Jason Mraz, I want you to look in the mirror and ask: “Am I going to spend the rest of my life making music for cunts?”
9. “Love Lockdown” Kanye West
Oh, it’s you with vocorder again. Hooray.
10. “Womanizer” Britney Spears
Sometimes I like to punch myself in the cock until I black out.
17 Comments on "The iTunes Top 10 – January 8th, 2009"
This is brilliant, all around.
And amen on Kanye. Be glad you didn’t see him on SNL recently.
Ten years ago, I never would have thought Beyonce would be my favorite top ten pop artist, but sadly that day has come.
that’s what you get for checking in on the mainstream. should have called it ’30 seconds over cuppertino” or whatever that place is where apple is based. (but, Col. Hector O’Donis has a nice ring to it, don’t it?)
That’s what you get for using iTunes. That fascist program. It’s good for nothing except for wiping your– *assassin shoots me in the back of the head*
Hey. I like that song Womanizer. It’s catchy. And also, it’s spelled correctly, doesn’t use any superfluous z’s or x’s, and at no time replaces the word “for” or “to” with the numbers 4 or 2, respectively. It’s a step up for pop culture, really.
It’s too bad the Colonel had to black out and JB had to lose his life over this triumph, but the good news is I discovered a hot new artist named Britney Spears.
Ivyy:
Stay tuned for the remix: “W0man1z3r”
i’m just going to go out on a limb here, but some of those womanizer remixes are kind of hawt…just sayin….
I never knew bile could taste so good…
As ever, your shotgun-blast insights keep my nethers warm.
Or maybe it’s Katy Perry’s vinta-slut wear, I can’t tell this time.
Itunes is so passe. Discover Songbird.
Womanizer is the apples.
If it’s nasty then you shouldna put your thing in it.
i like the word shouldna
I just read “Kidnapped” to my son. I nearly wrote shouldnae.
Too bad you only heard 30 seconds. 3+ minutes of that Beyonce single and you start to go “…. is it done yet?” It should really only be 2 minutes long. Same for womanizer. Both fun dancey songs that drag out wayyyy too long.
I just checked the iTunes top ten again. Lady GaGa is on there twice this week. I can picture some record executive in LA sitting on the hood of his 7-series BMW with a bullwhip, and there’s Lady GaGa, harnessed out in front, frothy with sweat, face strapped into a leather bag of high-test blow, pulling with all her might. She wants to take a ride on his disco stick, sure, but who doesn’t. The Lady is going to blow a gasket at this rate, and someone needs to pull this bimmer to Anaheim.
@Elliott: I can only grin. You’ve done it again, the Bard of the Comment Thread.