The Legend Of Zelda: Ocarina Of Pooter

Written by  //  March 28, 2011  //  Video Games  //  1 Comment

Almost 15 years and two wives ago, I lived a day which marked a very special time in my life. It was a Friday, payday, and I had $112.00 burning a hole in my pocket, which could only mean one thing: it was time for my monthly visit to a small, greasy, downtown strip club called The Butt Hut.

Stale peanuts and dollar beers, served in plastic backyard-barbecue cups, flowed as the rewards of my hard work tickled the insides of g-string after g-string. Then, just as I had finished my third Wacky Watermelon Jello shot, it happened.

The song ”Pour Some Sugar On Me” holds special memories for everyone, but for me it will always bring back the first time I saw a 5′ 7″ brunette with green eyes and a hand print made from glitter and fairy-tale romance on her left butt cheek. She took the stage like she owned it and we all held our breath a little as the DJ asked us to give it up for… Snapple.

I gave that glitter print high-five after high-five until her set was finished. Then she left the stage and whispered the nine most romantic words I’ve ever heard, “Would you like to tip me for my dance?” Forty-five dollars later and fifteen minutes in the back of my 1993 Chevy Gladiator and we were in love. After sixteen glorious months we were divorced and on our way to living seperately ever after. She got that 1993 Chevy Gladiator, and I got the Nintendo 64 and ”The Legend of Zelda: The Ocarina of Time.”

Ocarina of Time was in many ways a game of firsts. It was the first 3-D Zelda game. It was the first game in which Gannon appeared humanoid, looking a bit like the Thugee leader from Temple of Doom in drag. It was also the first Zelda game which featured a tree that spoke in the King James Version. It seemed an odd choice of dialects to me, and to this day I still don’t know what “verily” means. The Great Deku Tree, as he was known to his friends, with his handlebar moustache and Castle Grayskull-esque face is a prominent figure in the game. He sets Link on his quest at the beginning, but then he dies. Bummer.

Ocarina of Time is one of the few things in this world I would classify as a ”must see”, still hitting number one on most of the Most Popular Games of All Time surveys. But play it cautiously. I was unaware of it’s power when I started, and my dog, Pooter, paid for my lack of respect.

Pooter is a 6 lb. Chihuaua who would sit at my feet and watch my gaming. Deep in one of the dungeons I stopped momentarily to look around when a giant hand fell from the ceiling and bitch-slapped me back to the entrance. It happened so fast I jumped and fell right off the couch. Pooter wears an eye-patch now and watches the game from a safe distance on the recliner.

I could go on all day about the storyline or dungeons, but the fact is you can watch video of a man named Bloobiela playing through the entire game in just under three hours on YouTube, so I’ll let you see these things for yourself. I prefer to use my world-wide influence here to tip my hat to those who have sacrificed social standing, career advancement, and even sexual relations to discover the tips and cheats for this game.

Specific game areas and button sequences more complicated than nuclear launch codes can be utilized to turn Link into an Emo kid, change the color of his gauntlets or even swim through the ground. You can look through a castle window and see 8-foot oil paintings of Mario and Luigi, or create a line of Links who take up the whole room. Apparently, you can even risk messing up your whole console by pulling the left side of the cartridge up slightly to get a yellow bar at the top of the screen where you can input command codes.

If you really want to impress the ladies though, you can run the race at Lon Lon ranch again after winning your horse, Epona. If you win in under 49 seconds Link will be rewarded with his very own cow to live with him in that tree house. I don’t know how they got that cow up into a tree, I only know that the cold winter nights will never be lonely again. I named that cow Pooter, and she wears an eye patch.

Until next time…

About the Author

King Arthur Fonzerelli is looking more and more like the Geico caveman with each passing day.

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One Comment on "The Legend Of Zelda: Ocarina Of Pooter"

  1. King Arthur Fonzerelli April 4, 2011 at 9:30 am · Reply

    To my faithful and devoted fans… how I love you all. It is with a tear in my eye that I write in my efforts to bring even a little joy to each and every one of you. But, I just have to ask, how is it that this article is only fifteen hits behind the one about college girls having their first lesbian sex in front of a dog???
    My fellow Americans… we can do better!

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